My Boyfriend Won't Marry Me

Written by Lucia.


Dear Lucia,

My boyfriend and I have been dating/living together for 3yrs and 8 months. We are both 34. He is an absolute wonderful, passionate, sincere boyfriend-but he just can't take the next step to become a husband. We have so much in common, we love the same things and we have so much fun with each other. I have been nagging him about getting married for a very long time. There have been some break ups in the past because of this. And we have both gone to counseling, separate and together, to figure out his commitment problem.

This past year I set a deadline for myself, which came and went and no engagement. I finally got tired of the lies and being led on about him telling me he has gone to a jeweler a couple of times to "talk" about buying the ring and get prices. I got tired of asking him, "Are you going to take care of this soon?" and hearing, "Don't worry, it's taken care of, it's coming soon." So I backed off a little and still nothing-just excuses of why he hasn't actually bought the ring - work, he lost his check card and is waiting for the new one to come in, his mother is sick so he's trying to take care of her.

A few weeks ago, I told him for the 100th time that I had had enough of waiting. I told him I loved him, but I was mentally and physically tired of hearing the excuses, being lied to and led on. I left him at home and went driving/thinking for a couple of hours. Thought long and hard and came back to suggest to him that maybe it would just best for him to move out. I said that if and when he was ready to marry me and if I was available, to come find me- thanks to Dr. Phil. This was sooo hard to do.

This really hurts. I don't know how I will be able to find someone else and I really don't want to right now. Did I do the right thing? This is so hard to deal with. I hate the pain. I want him to call me up and tell me he's changed his mind. Kris

Dear Kris,

You say he's 34? He sounds more like 13. So he's lying to you, giving excuses a 10 year old could see through – lost his check card, his mom is sick - and you want to marry him? May I ask why? Are you planning to not have children, so you figured you'd marry an adult that acted like one? Even you agree that he has been stringing you along. The foundation of any relationship is trust and respect. How can you trust and respect someone who behaves this way? You need to look at your willingness to tolerate being lied to repeatedly. Your tolerance level is way too high.

And what's with all the nagging? Do you really want to be with someone who isn't dying to marry you? Or did you think he was the best you can do, so you figured you'd nag him to death in the hopes that he'd eventually cave in? That's really attractive. It's not that he "can't" take the next step to become a husband, he doesn't "want" to. However, I understand it's easier on the ego to think that the poor boy just, oh, just can't take the next step, so let's go to counseling.

Okay, now that I've finished verbally beating you up, I have to commend you on finally doing the right thing, even if it took Dr. Phil for you to decide to finally take control of your life. Now don't go messing it up by wishing he would change his mind. For your sake, I hope he doesn't. If you hate the pain now, wait until you're married to him. It's not just about getting married. It's about getting married to the right person. The right person doesn't lie and string you along; he behaves like a man and tells you the truth.



Tags: dating relationships love dating advice he won't marry me why won't he marry me why won't my boyfriend marry me my boyfriend won't marry me

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# Aleta 2014-08-28 17:55
Very Good Lucia....
Please have Pat Allen on again...I love her wisdom.....
Love your show !!
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# DarthW 2014-12-15 19:35
"his commitment problem." Firstly, her statement here is incorrect. It isn't "his commitment problem", he knows he doesn't want to be married to her, but he's apparently committed to living with her and that's enough for him. Not a "commitment problem" at all.

Let me propose something better than the lame, typical female comment that he's "immature" because he doesn't want marriage: He doesn't want to marry because marriage is a huge, dangerous risk for men financially, and emotionally
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# Edward 2015-07-29 07:27
The guy may love her but he can feel uncomfortable to marry her for other reasons. Financial Stability is one of main reasons why men do not want to marry. Career is another. Marriage is a huge commitment that he'll be with her forever no matter what
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# Melissa Lucas 2016-03-25 15:59
I have been going through the same thing for 13 years. Yes I have been waiting a long time. Many many years of waiting and wishing, it may sound crazy but I love him and I don't see myself with anyone else. Makes me feel unworthy at times.
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# Lucia Demasi 2016-04-20 05:03
@DarthW I didn't say he was immature because he doesn't want to get married, but because of his excuses as to why he doesn't want to get married. BTW, women have jobs too. It is a financial risk for them also.
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# Mac 2017-01-22 14:18
The guy in the story dodged a huge bullet. The woman waited until after 30 YOA to get serious, now time is running out and it's the man's fault? He saved himself from the financial and emotional ruin of a probable divorce.
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# Claire 2017-03-24 10:09
Its amazing all the men giving hate comments on the woman. Yhese are the same men who propose then cheat with his secretary men stop it you are the childish ones trying to be 21 forever sugar daddy's etc. Try giving birth to a child or carrying it
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# Chris 2017-06-14 19:20
She's nagging him about it, giving deadlines, ultimatums. He sees it as a lifetime of nagging. She says she backed off but then she says she told him for the 100th time. He loves her or he wouldn't still be there. He just wants the nagging to stop
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# Anita 2017-12-06 16:44
I just went through this similar scenario, except with a 53 year old "man"! We didn't live together, but after two years of him filling my head up with "When we get married..." comments and also going to talk with his pastor for counseling, it became clear that he did not WANT to do it! I walked out and told him the same thing: "When you know what you want, come find me" and I haven't heard from him since! That was four weeks ago, no contact. I'm turning the corner finally on feeling used and heartbroken and it dawns on me today that HE lost out on an amazing woman who loved him unconditionally and wanted HIM. When he sees that that quality is in short supply out here in the world, he will be the heartbroken one. Break-ups are downright HARD, so be gentle on yourself and learn and grow better for the next one.
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