Hi Lucia,
I have been dating a guy for 4 months now. He got out of a 5-year relationship a little over a year ago. He says he loved her and she walked out on him. I know if she knocked on his door today, he would probably go back.
What I would like would be if he could get past these feelings for the "ex" and focus on me...even for a little while. Maybe 'try' to forget. I now have developed feelings for him. Feelings I have never felt with anyone else. I have such an attraction for him. We have a wonderful relationship in the bedroom.
He says he can’t make any commitment to me because of these feelings he still has for his 'ex' and that I am much more than a 'friend with benefits'. He beats himself up about still having these feelings and not being able to move on. I have broken down in tears and expressed how I felt about him. He says he really likes me but doesn't want to hurt me.
He has pulled back from me a bit and says he wants to take it slow. It drives me crazy not seeing him like I used to. Everyday I ask myself what should I do. Do I walk away from someone I care deeply about and hurt terribly, or stay with him and maybe get hurt any way. What do you think is going on in that head of his? Does it really take a man that long to get over a relationship? Danae
Hi Danae,
Why is it that every week I seem to be getting the same email? A woman meets a guy, sees the red flags, jumps in anyway and then wants to know how she can change him. So, I will answer yet again, and hopefully some readers will have an epiphany and approach dating differently.
When you first start to date someone, if you’re looking for a committed relationship, one of the first things you have to find out is if there is someone in their past they still haven’t gotten over. If there is, you can certainly be friends, but having sex with someone who isn’t emotionally available is generally not a good idea if you’re thinking long term. How long will it take him to get over her? Who knows? Some people never get over a past love.
You said he considers this more than a frieands with benefits, but you didn’t mention exclusivity, therefore, you are free to date other men, and I highly recommend you do. Otherwise, your current situation is usually the end result – you develop feelings for someone, ask for more than they’re ready to give and they back off. By having several men to date, you won’t become obsessed with any one man.
You continue to date 2-3 men (though not necessarily sleep with them) until one of them brings up the subject of exclusivity. Then it’s up to you to decide whether you too want to be exclusive or continue dating.
Now, doesn’t that sound a lot more empowering than pining your hopes on one guy who may or may not want a relationship with you?
