Hi Lucia,
I started hanging out with a guy who told me upfront that his ex invited herself to come visit him in a month. He said he didn't want her to come out, but that she spent the money & they'd kept in touch so he'd just see what happened; soon after he asked me to date him.
When I confronted him about his ex & asked if he planned to see me while she was here he said "I guess not because it would be awkward." I said, "Goodbye".
Now he is trying everything to get me back. How do I deal with his pleads to see me now? He asks if he can see me if he tells her not to come out.
Do I ignore him or repeat that I told him what is & isn’t acceptable & his ignoring that doesn’t help his reputation with me? I feel that letting him see me would let him feel that he can get away with not respecting my boundaries regarding the issue & I don’t want to call his shots for him. Desiree
Hi Desiree,
Congratulations on your insight. You’ve pretty much answered your own questions. Unless you’re just interested in a fling, whenever you find out there’s still an “active” ex in the picture, it’s time to distance yourself from that person.
His explanation regarding why she was coming sounds lame. If he really didn’t want her to come out, she wouldn’t have spent the money to make the trip. Think about it – if you had an ex that you didn’t want to see, would you tolerate their making a trip just to see you? No! His statement that “he’d just see what happened” tells me there’s still unfinished business there.
How do you deal with his pleading to see you? At this point, you owe him nothing. If you are uncomfortable seeing him under the circumstances, as you should be, then you simply don’t see him no matter how much he begs or pleads. Otherwise, you teach him that if he whines enough, you’ll give in. This is not a good precedent to set with pets, children or potential boyfriends.
You’re right in not calling the shots for him. We need to let people do whatever they’re going to do and then we decide whether we still want that person in our lives or not. Tell him that as long as his ex is in the picture to the point that she is willing to spend money to see him, you are not available and will be moving on and dating others.
