Dear Lucia,
I have been single for about 5 months and I have no problem getting dates. Some lead to fascinating conversations followed by sweet kisses but most go nowhere. I have a few guy friends with benefits on the side, not guys I'd date, but for no strings attached sex and friendship (watching movies, occasionally venting or searching for advice).
I recently started seeing someone. He's very charming and handsome, and I don't mean to stereotype but often these types of guys are trouble. I'm trying to protect my heart from destruction while enjoying my time with him and finding we have all these things in common. I don't think this guy is looking for a typical relationship, but I don't really know what he's looking for (and I know not to assume anything, or ask where it's headed).
I kind of like being a "player" but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. I would settle down for the right guy, but not anything less. What I'm wondering is when do you know you should stop seeing or sleeping with other people? And perhaps more importantly, do you think that my system of compartmentalizing my needs impairs me from being open for a true lasting relationship in the long run? Stephanie
Dear Stephanie,
Until you’ve had a conversation about exclusivity, you should continue to see and/or sleep with other people. You don’t know what his intentions are, so getting rid of everyone else in the hopes that he will eventually want a relationship is foolish.
I’ve found that if a woman doesn’t ask, “Where is this going?” or “What are we?” eventually the man will bring it up. At that point, you are in a better position to “negotiate”. If he never brings it up, then he doesn't want a commitment.
Your question about compartmentalizing was very interesting. I believe you are currently trying to protect your heart by having “no strings attached” sex. I also believe the capacity to love and give one’s heart is innate. Although it may be temporarily pushed to the side, when you meet someone who you trust and feel safe with, you will be open to a lasting relationship.
