Dear Lucia,
I'm involved with this guy who just got out of a four year relationship and does not want a relationship with anyone at the moment. I met him a month after his break up. We clicked and connected really fast, so we started to date and called it "seeing each other".
We had sex after 9 months. He has a hard time trusting and getting close to women because of his past and the way his ex hurt him.
He tells me he isn't seeing anyone or dating anyone besides me. I feel that he uses distance a lot; some weeks he calls me more often and some weeks he won't call me for five days. Why does he do that?
He says that I’m his girlfriend and tells me how he feels only when he is drunk or buzzed. He does not want to open up about his feelings towards me when he is sober.
I am 23 years old and thinking about a long-term relationship but he is 26 years old and not thinking about any of this. Is it all because of his past? Gretchen
Dear Gretchen,
You met him only one month after he got out of a 4 year relationship. That was way too soon for him to start dating. He was still bound to the other person on an energy level, and anyone he dated on a regular basis risked being a rebound. I believe him when he said he didn’t want a relationship at that time.
However, it sounds like it has been at least 9 months since you met. By now, he should know if he wants a relationship with you or not. He is giving you mixed signals. One week he calls, one week he doesn’t. As I mentioned in my book, "Lucia’s Lessons of Love", this type of inconsistency generally indicates a low interest level. Someone that is “into you” and isn’t playing games is consistent. They don’t let 5 days pass without calling, simply because they would miss you and want to at least hear your voice. I believe he has feelings for you but doesn’t want a commitment with you. It’s possible he was using you to get over his ex, and knew it could never be anything serious.
The foundation of any good relationship is communication. Do you want to be with a man that can only express his feelings when he is drinking? Are you going to have to get him drunk every time you want to find out the truth about something? Don’t you want someone who is consistent in his actions and is able to express his feelings?
Although I don’t generally recommend ultimatums, you two are on such opposite ends of the dating spectrum that in this case, I would recommend one. You don’t need to be mean about it. Very calmly let him know you are looking for a committed relationship, and his inconsistent, uncommunicative behavior leads you to believe “he’s just not that into you”. Let him know that unless he is willing to make a commitment, you will have no choice but to move on.
Afterwards, do not contact him. When he calls you, and he will, only speak to him if he is sober. Accept nothing less than a commitment. Don’t let him try to bargain with you. If he really has feelings for you and thinks of you as his girlfriend, he won’t want to lose you. If he doesn’t, then he will let you go. Actions speak louder than words and it’s about time you found out the truth.
