Hi Lucia,
I'm 24 and have been going with a 36 year old married man for several years. When we first went out he didn't tell me he was married and had kids. I learned from somebody else way after and I was already in love with him.
I just learned that he lied to me and that he does sleep with his wife and it hurts like HELL. I thought I was the only one. I can't trust him anymore and I'm ruining our relationship by always asking him where he was, if he was with her, if he slept with her, etc. I told him to separate (not divorce) from her or else it was finished. He said that he can see himself with me in the future but can't promise me anything, that right now is not good timing ‘cause I am still in school, it will crush his kids, etc.
After lots of crying and fighting, I told him it would be too hard for me to stop seeing him and that we'll still see each other but that I will start dating other people. He said that's fine, that the most important thing is my health and that I don't suffer. I should also mention that he opened up my eyes to many business opportunities. We share an eagerness to make money to the point where it is a part of what is keeping me with him.
I know it is going to be very tough but I want to know if I am making the right decision. Crushed
Hi Crushed,
How nice of him to be concerned for your physical health. Too bad he isn’t as concerned for your mental and emotional health as well. The top 2 lies married men tell the women they are cheating with are: 1) My wife and I don’t have sex and 2) I would leave if we didn’t have kids.
It’s interesting that you were more upset to find out he was sleeping with his wife than the fact that he was married at all! You said you were already in love with him by then. So? Being “in love” doesn’t give you a license to ignore the fact that he is a liar and a cheater and who knows what else.
You aren’t ruining the relationship by asking questions because there is an inherent flaw in the relationship to begin with – he belongs to someone else.
Your decision to date others is only partly right. You also have to cease all contact with him. It will probably be the hardest thing you’ve done in your 24 years but it’s essential that you do it. You can see what you’re getting by being with him – affection, sex, compliments, gifts, business advice, a pseudo boyfriend, etc., but you can’t see what you’re giving up.
You are giving up something you that you can never get back and that is the time you are wasting with someone who, even if he did eventually leave his family, you would never be able to trust. Do you want to build a life with someone you can’t trust? If he’s cheating on his current wife, what makes you think things would be any different with you?
You can always make more money, but you can never make more time. If you look at it from that perspective, it should be it easier to walk away and look for a real boyfriend.
