Hi Lucia,
I’ve been dating a great man since May. I’m 25, he’s 33 and has been divorced for 3 years, no kids. We talk daily and see each other 3-4 times a week.
7 months into our relationship I asked if I was his girlfriend. He said he really liked me, but wasn’t ready to use that label since it was so new and he was still getting to know me. He assured me there’s no one else. I told him it was ok, I wasn’t giving him an ultimatum or trying to force him into anything he wasn’t ready for, I was just curious.
I brought it up again today and got the same response. I don’t want anything to change; I just want to be able to call him my boyfriend.
Am I being totally irrational by wanting a title that, to me, isn’t going to change anything? Is he just not that into me? Lori
Hi Lori,
7 months into a relationship is not “new”. He knew long before then whether he wanted you to be his girlfriend or not and the answer is: No! That’s why, it’s now been 10 months and he still hasn’t changed his mind. He is happy to see you on his terms. He gets to spend time with you, have sex with you and still keep his options open.
Your choices are to either take this or leave it.
Do you want to continue to spend time with a man who is only interested in a casual relationship with you? Are you willing to be in a casual relationship, knowing that the longer it continues, the more it will hurt when it’s over?
If you decide to leave, do not give an ultimatum. You need to be very calm and sure of yourself. Say something like, “This is no longer working for me. I don’t want to be in a casual relationship. I want to be somebody’s girlfriend. I enjoyed the time we spent together. I wish you well, and I’m going to move on.”
If he says he needs to think about it, let him take all the time that he needs. However, he does not need to see you while he is “thinking about it”. The only way you should continue to see him is if he is willing to commit.
In the meantime, start meeting other guys, if for no other reason than to get your mind off him.
