Hi Lucia
Three weeks ago I ran into a guy I had met a year earlier through mutual friends. I had just turned 36 and was depressed. We talked and then did the wild thing. The sex was fantastic.
We’ve met at the bar 3 more times and always end up at his house. The last time even he commented that it was mind blowing. Now I’ve talked to friends who all say he’s great guy. I wish I’d held out. Is it possible to change a hook up to a potential relationship? Linda
Hi Linda,
If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard this question, well, I’d have a lot of pennies…
The bottom line is that with some guys it will be possible, but with others, it won’t be. That is one of the negatives of hooking up. If you start to have feelings for the other person and they’ve locked you into the booty call category, there won’t be much hope of getting out.
Men do not necessarily want a committed relationship as a result of mind blowing sex - they are wired differently than women. In her book The Female Brain, neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine cites: Males have double the brain space and processing power devoted to sex as women…Just as women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion while men have a small country road, men have O’Hare Airport as a hub for processing thoughts about sex whereas women have the airfield nearby that lands small and private planes.”
This means men are driven to have sex whether it means something or not. On the other hand, when women have sex, they generally want it to mean something, whether they know that the first time they have sex with a new guy or they come to realize it later, as was the case with you.
What should you do?
First of all, ask yourself, do you really want a relationship with him or is it just because the sex is great? Unfortunately, great sex doesn’t always add up to a great relationship and vice versa. Is he a good long term prospect or are your emotions clouding the issue?
Secondly, do you have enough shared interests, values and great communication that a long term commitment would even be possible? He may be a great guy, but not a great guy for you.
If you’re still interested in trying to turn this into something more, you need to stay away from him for a while – I’d say 2-3 weeks. This will give him a chance to miss you and wonder where you are. Sherry Argov, author of “Why Men Love Bitches”, claims that mystery is to men what romance is to women.
If he calls you, tell him you’re busy. When you do finally meet up, you’re going to have to be honest and say something like: I love having sex with you but I’d also like to explore the possibility of spending time together outside the bedroom. What do you think? If he says he doesn’t want a relationship right now, what he’s really saying is that he doesn’t want a relationship with YOU. At that point you need to decide if you’re willing to invest your time in something that may not become something more meaningful down the road or not.
In the future, when you’re tempted to hook up, remember that if women were meant to have sex like men, they would be greater consumers of porn.
