Hi Lucia,
My “fiancé” and I met about a year ago. The first 3 months we dated, he showed me a lot of respect, in every possible way. His plans were to get know each other, date, move in together and soon after that, get married. Since I’ve known him his biggest dream is to get married and have a big family with me. At that time, I had family problems and I needed to move out. He offered to help so he got me an apt. It was no ordinary apartment - it was a luxury apartment. He even furnished it, paid the rent and gave me a weekly allowance. He said he didn’t want me working at all.
The first three months in the new apartment were great. I had my own place and he had his. I was living a good life, going out and partying. I hung out at bars or with friends because he was hardly ever around. One day I suddenly realized that this wasn’t what I wanted, I was only going out because he was always working. I began to notice a pattern – he was never around on the weekends. I confront him all the time, but he always gives me lame excuses like, “I took a pill and it knocked me out.” Every Monday, without exception, he starts calling me. When he is at his house, he doesn’t answer my calls. When I had the apt. he only stayed over two or three times in six months.
The next three months I was even more suspicious. I have tried to talk to him and he always gives me the same answer - that he is not married. I decided to move out and back with family. The holidays were coming and I knew then that he wasn’t going to spend them with me. We are supposed to move in together in the next few months, when we are supposedly “engaged”.
I've never been to his house. I know where he lives, but I never been invited and what’s more confusing, I don’t know his family. I have his home number because I found it on the internet but he has never given it to me. We only go out on my side of town, not his. Could I be so blind? I mean, he is not a bad person - he’s a very religious and conservative person. He doesn’t drink or party - he is a boring person.
I'm almost ready to move on. I just want to know the truth but I don’t want to stalk him - that is not me. Caryn
Dear Caryn,
Wow. You’re almost ready to move on? How many red flags do you need before you’re willing to see that he’s married or living with someone? What does a red flag have to do before it gets your attention? Chase you down and hit you over the head?
When a person’s words are the opposite of their actions, ignore everything they say and only look at what they do. So, let’s review:
He didn’t give you his home number
You’ve never been to his home
He’s never around on weekends
You’ve never met his family
He’s only slept over 2-3 times
He didn’t spend the holidays with you
Do I need to go on? I guess he’s not a bad person, if you don’t consider cheating and lying bad. And exactly which religion condones infidelity? Don’t be fooled. A lot of conservative, boring people who don’t drink or party have no problem being unfaithful.
So, now you know the truth. Asking him why he lied to you will only lead to more lies. There is nothing here for you. Learn your lesson and don’t look back.
