Dear Lucia,
I met a guy about 7 months ago at a club where he worked and we instantly clicked. About a month later, I noticed he would dance with other women instead of me. His affection and attention was not the same. However, if I danced with someone else, he either got an attitude or branded me by hugging and kissing or staying by my side. He never asked me out, never made me exclusive. He said he was a confirmed bachelor. He was married once but it ended badly. I just came out of a ten-year relationship.
Around the holidays someone said they saw him with another woman, so I figured he had a girlfriend I made a decision not to go see him perform last month, because I would like a more committed relationship. My cell phone was off, so he searched for me at the places he knew I hung out at. He found me and said "he loved me" numerous times that night and included me in his future hopes and dreams. He has since ghosted me. I miss him. I am really feeling bad because I want to go see him. This guy made me feel great about myself. I know we have a connection and it’s magical. Melanie
Dear Melanie,
First of all, let me say that it’s not him that you miss, because he wasn’t giving you anything to miss. You miss how you felt about yourself when you were with him. He “made” you feel great because he told you things you should already have been telling yourself. You should not need anyone to tell you how great you are. That way, when someone comes along and says that to you, it’s a confirmation, not a revelation.
You let yourself get played. Part of the reason is due to the fact that you just came out of a long-term relationship and are probably starved for positive attention from a man. The other part is because you needed someone to make you feel good about yourself, so you were willing to close your eyes to obvious red flags.
When a man says he is a “confirmed bachelor” please believe it. Even if he’s lying, he’s telling you he’s not interested in you for a committed relationship. The reason he would become attentive if you were dancing with someone else is because men are territorial. Even if you didn’t have a commitment, he wanted to make sure you’d still be available to him for sex when he felt like it.
This is also the reason he searched for you when you disappeared. His declarations of love were just his temporary feelings of relief that you were still interested in him. That’s why he felt it was okay to not contact you afterwards. He knows he’s got you wrapped around his finger.
Just because you felt a connection with him, it doesn’t mean he feels the same. A connection is not evidence of someone’s suitability for you. It’s nature’s way of bringing people together so that they will procreate and keep the human race going.
If you’re serious about wanting a committed relationship, then you need to move on and find someone else. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to waste time on a man that has clearly demonstrated he is not in love with you. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are not those of a man in love.
