Dear Lucia,
I’m in big trouble, I’m afraid. I’ve been in a relationship with a great guy for almost a year now. At the beginning I was a bit distant and afraid to get close to him. I didn't reveal my true feelings & had the pleasure of him ''chasing me''. He gave me so much love & affection, as I had never imagined. So I finally started to become as tender as he was and maybe even more (big mistake).
Everything was okay until the fourth month, when his ex-girlfriend appeared and claimed him back after 2 years. They had an 8 years relationship (since they were both 17) and she left him for another guy. As soon as she heard he was starting over, she told him she regretted it and wanted him back, in a rather intense way (crying & begging).
She's been calling him at least once a month complaining about her life without him. I know all this because he told me, even though I didn't want to listen. He said he wanted to be honest with me and wanted me to know what's going on in his life. He has ensured me he's in love with me, not her.
I still feel insecure and jealous because he doesn't discourage her calling him. He said he chooses me, but he feels sorry for her and can't tell her to stop calling him because she has no other support from friends or family.
From what I know, he has met with her three times so far, to calm her down. Right afterwards, he would meet with me, to calm me down. Each time before seeing her, he always let me know that he would, and after their meeting, he told me that he is worried about her because she’s in a bad place right now.
When I said: Don't tell me, I don't want to know! He answered: Don't you want to know how I feel? I answered: I want this to stop now! He said: I understand you, but I can’t just can't ''kick'' someone whom I've known and loved (in a friendly way now) out of my life. You are both pressuring me. You both say you love me but don't really care about me.
This has been going on for five months now and although I trust that he would never cheat on me, this whole thing is a blow to my ego. He has stopped being as attentive as he was before and he looks sad. I believe it’s because of this situation along with some severe financial problems.
How can I stop this unpleasant situation without appearing ''bitchy'' and get him 100% back to me? Evanthia
Dear Evanthia,
Think back to how you behaved when you first started dating. Did you attract your boyfriend by crying and begging? Did you call him to complain about your life? Did he have to come over to calm you down? No? Then why would you think that his ex behaving this way would be attractive? I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. She is repelling him with her behavior, and eventually he will get sick of it.
Your boyfriend is a nice guy. He feels a sense of loyalty to her because she was a big part of his life. If you were with him for 8 years, would you want him to just ignore you afterwards?
He’s right when he says you both don’t care about him. You are both just thinking about yourselves.
What should you do? The only way to get him back to how it was in the beginning is to behave the same way you did in the beginning. Tell him you’ve thought about it and realized you have not been as supportive as you could have been. Tell him you understand and think he’s a great guy for being such a concerned ex boyfriend.
I would also tell him to see her and talk to her as often as he feels the need to. His jaw will probably drop! Pushing him to see her, will actually make him less likely to see her.
Be confident that eventually things will get back to the way they were. He will think he has the most understanding girlfriend in the world!
