Hi Lucia,
I have been suffering so much lately and I am not sure what to do. I haven't been sleeping or eating and I feel really overwhelmed by my own fears. My last relationship lasted seven years. After two kids and the best years of my life gone, he decided to hook up with my ex best friend (who was supposed to be gay, can you imagine that).
Now the relationship I am in I feel very happy and satisfied. I am now dating someone who has his life together, a really good job and treats me well. I am very happy and satisfied. It's like a dream come true, or so you would think.
When he is gone, I am plagued with nightmares and anxiety attacks. I just can't get over the fact that after I fell in love the first time, gave my all and after all those years someone left me.
Now I am in the situation again where once again someone has become very close to me and although he has no intentions whatsoever of leaving me or anything (I mean, we don't even really argue) I am terrified that each time he goes I'm never going to see him again.
This is really starting to intrude on my happiness. I think this is a trust issue and a letting go of the past issue. I'm getting worn out from my nerves being so frazzled all the time and I am mad at myself because I just can't seem to let my guard down enough to feel secure with this man and also even more mad at my ex that he screwed me up this way. What do you suggest with this mental nightmare I am in? Amber
Dear Amber,
It sounds like you have what I call, “P.T.D.D.” – Post Traumatic Dating Disorder. You went through a very difficult and traumatic experience, and that has now become the filter through which you look at relationships.
As long as you are blaming your ex for how you feel, you cannot move past it and heal. You have to accept responsibility for your reaction. We can’t always help what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.
It sounds like you’re in a good relationship; however, your walls, fears and anxieties will eventually drive this man away if you don’t deal with them. I suggest you go in for some short term, cognitive therapy.
There are no guarantees in love. You gave it your all and it didn’t work out. Instead of staying stuck in the past and not enjoying the present, think about what you would have done differently, given what you now know. Look back, learn and let go.
