“Il ne faut jamais croire aux belles paroles, mieux vaut croire aux belles preuves.” French Proverb
We must never believe in beautiful words, better to believe in beautiful proof.
I grew up with the idea that churches were the best place to meet one’s “perfect” partner because church is a place where people who share the same religious beliefs and values gather. In my own family, my uncle met his wife at church two decades ago. I find the same situation in America, where churches often have programs for singles to connect.
As American churches are dying, and attendance at church services is waning, online dating is becoming the new “church” for meeting mates. I have met many women who have been active on dating sites for years and have never successfully met their ideal man. I think of these women and online dating sites as birds to trees: no matter how high and far the birds fly, they come back to land on the tree.
Many women that I have met have tried dating sites off and on and experience chronic disappointment. They find their hopes being cut short, and many are the victims of men’s lies and men who view online dating as a sport, like fishing.
Women tell me that men engaged in online dating frequently embellish their status and their salary to look powerful and financially stable. In their minds, power equates to sex. I have noticed that American women complain more than French women when it comes to men lying about their appearance. American women tell me they have met many guys that do not look the same in person as they do online; their profiles often have photos of themselves that are distorted in their favor or
from when they were younger. I’ve been told the most common lie men tell is about their height, Maybe American men are afraid of being like Napoleon! Perhaps this is more common in America because of the pressure in American society to look a certain way. Appearances seem to hold more value in the United States. I can only speculate.
Finding love via the Internet is difficult in a sexualized society such as America. Women go online with the intention of finding someone for a long-term relationship, but tend to jump in too quickly. In my opinion, women who get involved sexually with a man too soon are likely to be dumped. Men tend not to value something that they can get too easily. At the same time, men will play along with the idea of finding a relationship when they are truly only interested in sex. They lie about their intentions, knowing that most women are seeking a commitment. I am not a specialist in men’s psychology but I observe more similarities between French and American men. There are men out there who are opportunistic predators, ready and willing to exploit an available woman for sex. Women who take their time to know a man before becoming sexually involved will know if the man is there for sex only or for the long term.
My message to American women is to follow the philosophy of many French women: treat all the men on dating sites like a rosebush. A man who has beautiful words without actions is like a rosebush that doesn’t produce roses. Trust is earned when promises are kept.
An honest person, French or American, tells the truth despite how that truth will be received. However, stretching the truth on occasion is inevitable in relationships. Lies are tools used to attain something, or to get away with something, or simply to spare feelings. A woman may lie and say “the sex was great” to avoid hurting her partner’s feelings or ego. Lies can be told with good intentions in an effort to keep peace in the relationship. I am not suggesting people should lie to their partners, but I understand the reasons why sometimes people choose to do so.
To women suffering in silence, no matter the source of your pain: Know that resilience is the key to rebounding. It’s okay to be afraid. Do not give up hope. Please keep your head up and continue the journey ahead. Above all else, never give yourself permission to lose hope.
Guy Blaise; Author of "Love Like The French" and "Vive La Difference."
