Dear Lucia,
I've been dating my former boss since 2005. There is no subject he cannot talk about, but he is not very nurturing for me emotionally.
I often got the feeling there were other women. When I would be at his place the phone seldom got answered, unless the caller ID showed a man or a relative's name. Our last time together was Super Bowl Sunday and not one phone call since. I got angry because he was flirting with someone at the party.
Now he drops me a note saying he plans to call, yet the call has never come and I refuse to call. His last words were: Go date another. I won't be what you want.
All I want is his love and respect. He can keep the gifts and horrible trips where he would completely ignore me.
Where did I go wrong? Why can't I get him out of my system? I am shocked he could just walk away so easily with no feelings for me. Why does he do this? Broken spirit.
Dear Broken spirit,
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.
The question is not: Why does he do this? The question is: Why do you do this? By blaming him, you are saying that you have no power here and are therefore a victim. Yes, you are a victim – of your own behavior. Let's look at the warning signs you chose to ignore:
1. He is not emotionally nurturing: One of the great benefits of being in a relationship is that this is where you go to be emotionally supported and nurtured, especially if you didn't get it from your parents when you were growing up.
2. Other women: When all the signs were there that you were not the only one, why did you stick around?
3. He told you to date others: Someone that loves you would never say this to you.
4. He ignored you on trips: Someone that loves you is elated to be on a trip with you and doesn't ignore you.
Why did you choose to ignore all these red flags? If someone came along and treated you well, would you know how to handle that?
You're hooked on being mistreated like a junkie is hooked on heroin. He can't respect a woman that would stick around no matter how he treated her. Of course he doesn't respect you. You don't respect you.
Where did you go wrong? When you realized he wasn't there for you, both emotionally and physically but still stuck around.
The best thing he ever did was tell you to, "Go date another. I won't be what you want." At least he was telling the truth that time.
I would suggest you run, not walk, to a therapist to figure out why you are keeping yourself from being in a healthy relationship. Otherwise, you'll end up alone or, even worse, in another bad relationship.
