Dear Lucia,
I truly love a man that I’ve been involved with on and off for six years. I’m 34 and he’s 40. We once lived together for a year until I had to leave because of his many issues, primarily with intimacy/closeness and commitment. He never let go after I left and continues to call.
He fits the profile of a true commitment phobe; he does the push/pull thing. He has said many times that he’s “conflicted” and I know he is. He’s tortured by his phobic side that needs to feel free and his love for me and desire for love.
His mother killed herself when he was twelve and his father was cold and critical of him. He and I have a connection, real comfort level, and long history. He said that I’m the only woman he ever truly loved.
A few weeks ago he told me that he’s in love with me, can’t see his life without me and so on. Although he’s not the best with the “I love yous”, kisses and so forth, that night he sure was.
It also came after a fight where he thought he had “lost me” and later begged me not to give up on him. I want to get married and have kids.
He called two days later, we got into an argument and he hung up on me. He called a week later to apologize for hanging up. He started counseling again (at my request). We went to counseling when we lived together but the results weren’t great.
I feel strongly that he should call me again and the ball is in his court. I’m sure he’s hiding. I'm attractive and intelligent and can easily have other dates, but never feel the connection, comfort level, and chemistry that I have with him. What can I do about this situation? Dasha
Dear Dasha,
What can you do? Run!!!!!! This man has more issues than a year's subscription to Vanity Fair. You “claim” you want to get married and have children, yet you’ve given him 6 years of your life, and you’re no closer to marriage than you were when you first started dating.
In his book, “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others”, John Malloy says that the main reason a woman arrives at age 40 without being married is because she spent her 30’s with someone who was not marriage material. How many more years are you willing to waste hoping that he will truly commit?
You need to move on and start seeing other guys. Of course, when he finds out that you’re dating, he’ll immediately want you and will say anything to get you back. You need to make a firm decision that you want to find someone who is ready and willing to make a commitment to you.
He’s had 6 years, and he still hasn’t stepped up to the plate, so don’t believe anything he says, because as you have seen, his words mean nothing. They are simply the fears of a scared, little boy who will say anything so as not to lose mommy.
Many years ago, a guy I was seeing, who had similar commitment issues, also hung up on me. Despite his repeated phone calls, I haven’t spoken to him nor will I ever speak to him again. That was the final straw for me. I hope your guy hanging up on you will be the final straw for you.
