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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I'm in love with my co-worker. He is unhappily married and does not love his wife. I’m separated from my husband.

I started to like him 2 years ago. I told him, he was a bit surprised. We have not had sex yet, we just kiss. He is very nice with me, protective, and passionate when we kiss.

Sometimes when I ask him to meet me, he makes excuses When I get upset at not meeting or his not responding to my messages, I send him a massage telling him I’m done, I can’t do this anymore. He tells me how much he will miss me if I leave, or come on, don’t be mad, I have so many things in my mind. I feel bad and again I give up.

I asked him to move in with me, but he just wants to be live alone if he leaves his wife. I feel he loves me; he doesn’t want to lose me. I want to get out of this but I don’t know how because I love him. I have dreams about living together, and I told him so many times. I don’t know what he wants. Lili

Hi Lili,

As I’ve said a million times before, actions speak louder than words. If his words aren’t backed up by his actions, they don’t matter. Even though he “claims” to be unhappily married, he’s obviously not unhappy enough to leave.

He doesn’t want to feel as if he’s cheating, so in his mind, he figures as long as all you’re doing is kissing, no harm done. He’s not interested in leaving his wife and moving in with you.

You are his interesting dalliance at work. In other words, he’s just using you and will say whatever he has to keep this thing going.

It’s time to wake up to the truth. Work on your own marriage, instead of trying to break up someone else’s.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I've been dating my boyfriend for nearly three years. We both in our mid 20s and I’m the first girl he's had a serious relationship with. In January he asked me to marry him. I accepted and everything was fantastic.

In August he told me he wanted to end it as he "didn't think he felt the same about me". 2 months later he begged me to take him back as he'd made a mistake and realized that he did love me, so I took him back.

Last week he started talking about us "not working again" out of the blue like before. He's stubborn and is convinced that it’s not been okay for months.

I'm so confused because the week before he did a surprise party for my birthday and got me loads of lovely gifts! What should I do? Bebe

Dear Bebe,

This sounds like a guy who’s fighting an internal battle – part of him is ready to commit and part of him isn’t. It’s almost like dating someone with multiple personalities, and it will drive you crazy if you continue to accept it.

He’s already ended it twice. Do you want to take the chance that he will end it again, except maybe next time the day before the wedding or perhaps not show up for the ceremony at all?

In today’s society, most guys in their mid-20s are not ready to marry. Heck, they're barely ready to marry in their late 20s.  You’re going to have to be strong and start dating other guys. He will probably want you back when he sees you’ve moved on, but don’t get pulled in a second time.

Maybe in a few years he will be ready, but until then, he still has some growing up to do. Sometimes we have to love someone enough to allow them to grow up without us.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

My ex and I broke up over a year ago because he wanted space and felt suffocated. He also said he wanted to focus on school and not on a relationship. The confusing part is that he still wants to talk and calls me almost everyday. We hang out whenever we have time and occasionally have sex. He says he does not want a relationship with anyone.

What can I do to get him to want to be in a relationship with me again? Jessica

Hi Jessica,

It sounds to me like your boyfriend didn’t really want to break up, however he couldn’t handle being suffocated anymore, so this was his way of keeping you at arm’s length. Brilliant strategy I must say!

Since you broke up a year ago, it's probably too late to do no contact.  Instead, we'll try another approach.

Ask him in what ways were you suffocating him. Start the conversation with, “I’m just curious…” This will usually get you a more honest answer. You then need to listen without interrupting or being defensive. Even after he seems to have finished speaking, pause for a few seconds and then ask him, “Was there anything else?”

You then need to ask yourself whether you really were doing those things and if you would be able to control yourself from behaving like that in the future. If you can’t, there’s no point in getting back together, because it will just end again.

Suffocation is usually the result of insecurity. You feel the need to be in constant contact and know everything that’s going on, for fear of losing him. However, as you can see, it’s actually that type of behavior that will cause you to lose someone.

If you honestly feel you’ve grown over the past year and have learned from your mistakes, you can then have a conversation about getting back together. Be sure to address all his “space” and “suffocation” issues.

If he doesn’t want to get back together, I would suggest you stop having sex with him, although you can continue to hang out. You then need to start dating other guys. Be sure to let him know you are doing this. If you still have a chance with him, he will eventually tell you he doesn’t want you to date others and wants to get back together!

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

What does a girl do when slutty girls look at her man? I have a fear of him falling into bed with this one hussy who works with us. I know I would be out of there but at the same time, shoot I don’t want it to happen!

How do I curb my fears?  How do I have confidence with this one night stand girl?  How in the hell do I just ignore that "yucky" feeling I get?  My man loves me and wants to marry me, but whenever this mess comes around, I wanna run. He doesn’t talk to her, but I wonder if he does when I’m not around? Tonya

Hi Tonya,

You’ve called this girl 4 different derogatory names in your brief email. Do you talk about her like this to your boyfriend?  If so, you’ve just told him that you feel insecure about his feelings for you. Insecurity in never attractive, especially if she really is all those things. If she’s such a “mess” why would you feel threatened?

You say you’d be out of there but I don’t believe you. If that were true, you wouldn’t be so concerned about what might be happening, but in most cases, probably isn’t. Our imagination likes to make up worst case scenarios. You’d know if he “fell into bed” (not sure exactly how one does that, but ok) you’d be able to walk if you wanted to.

However, since you fear you can’t handle it, you are freaking out and have probably mentioned it to him. This tells him you see her as a real threat, because otherwise, you wouldn’t give it a second thought.

This is not about other women looking or even talking to him. This is about you! Unless you plan to live on a remote mountain top, there will always be other women around him. If you truly believe your boyfriend loves you and wants to marry you, what makes you think he’d mess things up by being with a “hussy” or anyone else for that matter? Do you not trust him? If not, you’d better think twice about marrying him if he does propose.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I am so depressed right now. I feel as though I have dated so many guys and have had my heart broken, or at least dented, over and over (even when I break up with them).

Finally I feel as though I've met a man who hits all my checks on the list, and seems to really like me. We have only been dating a month or so, and I want to take it slow, but he keeps pushing the cuddling and intimacy so that it's hard to resist feeling an emotional connection to him.

Trouble is, I am deathly afraid of this not working out. I don't think I can take another heartbreak. My biggest fear is that he is so wonderful, (smart, talented, interesting, successful, good looking, etc.) that one day he will realize that he is too good for me. In fact, I feel that he is superior to me in most ways and this is causing me to feel really bad about myself, and wonder if I am just a loser who will never be good enough for a truly wonderful man.

What do you suggest I should do?  I am usually very confident, and I have never before felt inferior to the man I was dating, and yet he is nothing but good to me! Is this relationship doomed?

Hi Alle,

I hope that you wrote to me in a moment of weakness, and that you are now feeling much better, otherwise, this relationship is absolutely doomed unless you snap out of it!

The #1 trait people find attractive in the opposite sex is confidence. There are biological reasons for this which I won’t get into at the moment, but if you don’t have it right now, you’ll have to fake it till you get it back.

What exactly does it mean that someone is “too good for you”?  With all his wonderful qualities which you mentioned, do you really think he’d waste his time on someone who he didn’t think was worthy of him? He sees how wonderful you are, even if you’ve temporarily forgotten about it.

You are right to not be intimate with him until you get your confidence back, as that will only make things worse. Tell him you don’t want to rush things and don’t feel comfortable being intimate yet.

In the meantime, I want you to make a list of at least 50 wonderful things about you - even the smallest things such as good hair, shapely eyebrows, fast typist, etc. I then want you to review your list every morning before you start your day, and definitely before you are about to see your guy. Keep the list in your phone if you can, so that you can look at it whenever you start to feel down on yourself.

This should help get your confidence back. Keep in touch and let me know what happens!