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Written by: Guy Blaise

“Il ne faut jamais croire aux belles paroles, mieux vaut croire aux belles preuves.” French Proverb

We must never believe in beautiful words, better to believe in beautiful proof.

I grew up with the idea that churches were the best place to meet one’s “perfect” partner because church is a place where people who share the same religious beliefs and values gather. In my own family, my uncle met his wife at church two decades ago. I find the same situation in America, where churches often have programs for singles to connect.

As American churches are dying, and attendance at church services is waning, online dating is becoming the new “church” for meeting mates. I have met many women who have been active on dating sites for years and have never successfully met their ideal man. I think of these women and online dating sites as birds to trees: no matter how high and far the birds fly, they come back to land on the tree.

Many women that I have met have tried dating sites off and on and experience chronic disappointment. They find their hopes being cut short, and many are the victims of men’s lies and men who view online dating as a sport, like fishing. 

Women tell me that men engaged in online dating frequently embellish their status and their salary to look powerful and financially stable. In their minds, power equates to sex. I have noticed that American women complain more than French women when it comes to men lying about their appearance. American women tell me they have met many guys that do not look the same in person as they do online; their profiles often have photos of themselves that are distorted in their favor or 

from when they were younger. I’ve been told the most common lie men tell is about their height, Maybe American men are afraid of being like Napoleon!  Perhaps this is more common in America because of the pressure in American society to look a certain way. Appearances seem to hold more value in the United States. I can only speculate. 

Finding love via the Internet is difficult in a sexualized society such as America. Women go online with the intention of finding someone for a long-term relationship, but tend to jump in too quickly.  In my opinion, women who get involved sexually with a man too soon are likely to be dumped. Men tend not to value something that they can get too easily. At the same time, men will play along with the idea of finding a relationship when they are truly only interested in sex. They lie about their intentions, knowing that most women are seeking a commitment. I am not a specialist in men’s psychology but I observe more similarities between French and American men. There are men out there who are opportunistic predators, ready and willing to exploit an available woman for sex.  Women who take their time to know a man before becoming sexually involved will know if the man is there for sex only or for the long term. 

My message to American women is to follow the philosophy of many French women: treat all the men on dating sites like a rosebush. A man who has beautiful words without actions is like a rosebush that doesn’t produce roses. Trust is earned when promises are kept.

An honest person, French or American, tells the truth despite how that truth will be received. However, stretching the truth on occasion is inevitable in relationships. Lies are tools used to attain something, or to get away with something, or simply to spare feelings. A woman may lie and say “the sex was great” to avoid hurting her partner’s feelings or ego. Lies can be told with good intentions in an effort to keep peace in the relationship. I am not suggesting people should lie to their partners, but I understand the reasons why sometimes people choose to do so.

To women suffering in silence, no matter the source of your pain: Know that resilience is the key to rebounding. It’s okay to be afraid. Do not give up hope. Please keep your head up and continue the journey ahead. Above all else, never give yourself permission to lose hope.

Guy Blaise; Author of "Love Like The French" and "Vive La Difference."

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

We lived together and I moved out in April after I asked him to partake in counseling. He said yes, and then he said no and that he didn’t want to work it out.

Since living separately we hung out a few times and still had chemistry. He kept telling me he needed space and we would have more convos.

He brought me to the airport last week and held onto my hand and gave me the biggest hug. Yesterday, he agreed to meet at the beach where he tells me he wants to be alone, went on a date with someone, and is talking to other women.

I embarrassingly cried and said it’s hard because I won’t see you again. He said we would and he wouldn’t mind an “open friendship” (whatever that is). I am beyond heartbroken.

Since the meetup I kept calling and texting, I don’t know what to do and if it’s too late for no contact.  I feel he's giving me mixed signals.  Krysta

Hi Krysta,

If there was ever a situation that called for no contact, this would be it.

Although you see his actions and words as mixed signals, I can clearly see where his interest level is and unfortunately, it's not just with you.  He SAYS he wants to be alone, but meanwhile he went on a date and is talking to other women.  Actions speak louder than words.

He doesn't want to be in a relationship right now, but doesn't want to lose you from his life entirely.  Yes, he's defintely being selfish.

By continuing to pursue him, you just boost his ego and let him know you're not going anywhere.  What incentive does he have to see only you, if there are no consequences for his behavior?  You currently have no boundaries with him.

You must immediately go into no contact.  Don't even tell him.  I want him to experience the shock of not getting a response from you the next time he reaches out, and the next time, and the next time.  Unless he wants to be back in a committed relationship with you, there's nothing to be gained by sticking around hoping he'll change his mind.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

Should I be in a no contact with my ex if I'm the one who hung up on him during an argument and did not call him for three days?  When i did reach out to him he's said, "I'm done. I don't wanna talk with you anymore."

I was shocked. My reason for not calling him back right away was because he was yelling so loud and wouldn't let me speak.  I got tired of trying to explain, so I hung up, in order to give him time to cool off.

When I went to his home he said,  "I need you to leave" and I did.  I didn't try talk to him, I just left. We have texted since the breakup.  He sent me a picture he took with his daughter and grandson,  and sent me some information I was waiting on and that's was it.  Is this a fake breakup?  Yvonne

Hi Yvonne,

It certainly sounds like a fake break up to me.  If someone breaks up with you, especially if it was unexpected, and they then contact you as if nothing happened (sending you a picture and information), it's usually a fake breakup.  He's now regretting telling you that he's done, and is trying to show through his actions that he still wants you in his life.

I believe he was hurt that you hung up on him and didn't contact him for 3 days, so he "broke up" with you in retaliation.  However, if he's old enough to have grandchildren but is still yelling at people on the phone, this tells me you're dealing with someone who hasn't matured emotionally.

While you were wrong to hang up on him, he's the one who broke up with you, so he's the one who needs to work to put this back together.  I'm sure you've already apologized.

In the future, when you want to end a conversation, you can say, "Being yelled at doesn't feel good to me.  I'm going to hang up.  Please call me when you've calmed down and we can discuss this again".  By telling him you're going to hang up and telling him to reach out when he's cooled down, you put the ball into his court, and you don't have to feel guilty about hanging up.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I started dating a guy who was in a 10 year relationship. They had serious issues; they didn’t enjoy doing the same things, there was a history of her flirting and texting other men.  He was not ready to settle down because he was a widower and his children didn't like her.

We met and started dating right when they broke up. Everyone liked us together and we got along great, we made a lot of sense; traveled together, started a new routine, saw each other as often as our schedule is allowed, were in constant healthy communication, etc. BUT, once she found out about me she started contacting him and he went back to her.

He cut things off with me cold and refuses to speak to me. They have 10 years of dysfunction, but I knew he needed to go back and address it. Will he come back? If he does, how do I trust him again?  Amber

Hi Amber,

This scenario is nothing new.  It also happened to me.  I met a guy right after his breakup, and as soon as his ex found out about me, suddenly she wanted him back.  They got back together, but broke up a year later.  Guess who he immediately contacted?  That would be me.  We ended up dating for 5 years and he wanted to get married, but I said no.

You're right when you say he needs to address it.  You don't want to start a relationship with someone who's with you physically but emotionally with their ex.  If they felt the need to break up after 10 years, I doubt it's suddenly going to work out in year 11.

Be patient and there's an excellent chance he'll come looking for you when it ends.  I don't think you need to worry about trusting him. He had unfinished business to take care of.  I doubt he'll go back to try for a third time.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I truly love a man that I’ve been involved with on and off for six years.   I’m 34 and he’s 40.  We once lived together for a year until I had to leave because of his many issues, primarily with intimacy/closeness and commitment.  He never let go after I left and continues to call.

He fits the profile of a true commitment phobe; he does the push/pull thing.  He has said many times that he’s “conflicted” and I know he is.  He’s tortured by his phobic side that needs to feel free and his love for me and desire for love.

His mother killed herself when he was twelve and his father was cold and critical of him. He and I have a connection, real comfort level, and long history.   He said that I’m the only woman he ever truly loved.

A few weeks ago he told me that he’s in love with me, can’t see his life without me and so on.  Although he’s not the best with the “I love yous”, kisses and so forth, that night he sure was.

It also came after a fight where he thought he had “lost me” and later begged me not to give up on him.   I want to get married and have kids.

He called two days later, we got into an argument and he hung up on me.   He called a week later to apologize for hanging up.   He started counseling again (at my request).  We went to counseling when we lived together but the results weren’t great.

I feel strongly that he should call me again and the ball is in his court.  I’m sure he’s hiding.   I'm attractive and intelligent and can easily have other dates, but never feel the connection, comfort level, and chemistry that I have with him.  What can I do about this situation?  Dasha


Dear Dasha,

What can you do?  Run!!!!!! This man has more issues than a year's subscription to Vanity Fair.  You “claim” you want to get married and have children, yet you’ve given him 6 years of your life, and you’re no closer to marriage than you were when you first started dating.

In his book, “Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others”, John Malloy says that the main reason a woman arrives at age 40 without being married is because she spent her 30’s with someone who was not marriage material.  How many more years are you willing to waste hoping that he will truly commit?

You need to move on and start seeing other guys.  Of course, when he finds out that you’re dating, he’ll immediately want you and will say anything to get you back.  You need to make a firm decision that you want to find someone who is ready and willing to make a commitment to you.

He’s had 6 years, and he still hasn’t stepped up to the plate, so don’t believe anything he says, because as you have seen, his words mean nothing.  They are simply the fears of a scared, little boy who will say anything so as not to lose mommy.

Many years ago, a guy I was seeing, who had similar commitment issues, also hung up on me.  Despite his repeated phone calls, I haven’t spoken to him nor will I ever speak to him again.  That was the final straw for me.  I hope your guy hanging up on you will be the final straw for you.