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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I have been dating a guy for a little over 2 months now. He has not shown me any signs of affection. I am not talking sex here - that can wait. I mean kissing, hugging, hand holding, touching or making out.

I think he may be shy. I am not the outgoing type either, but I could be if I knew he was indeed interested in me and wanted to keep me around. Also, a glass of wine could help but he does not drink!

I brought this issue up to him and asked what I was to him, just a friend to have dinner with or am I more. He said he wants a friend first. I am now wondering if I need to make the first move. How do I approach this?  Dani

Hi Dani,

As I’m sure you know, it’s very unusual for a guy not to at least try something after 2 months.  Even a shy guy will eventually make a move if he's interested.

There could be a lot of things going on here but dating isn’t about playing therapist, so don’t waste time trying to figure out what it could be. You have to ask yourself, “If nothing ever changes, could I be happy with this?”

I’m guessing your answer is no, otherwise you wouldn’t have written to me. So, since you’ve already asked him about it, and he’s given you an answer (which I don’t believe, but, that’s what he wants to tell you right now) then you need to do what I always tell women to do. Until you’re exclusive, date other guys.

It’s possible he’s gay or isn’t attracted to you sexually but enjoys your company otherwise.

If he ever comes around and starts being affectionate great, but life is too short to sit and wait for him to change.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I'm 30 years old, educated, independent, nice looking and still a virgin. Whenever I date, nearly every man brings up sex on the 2nd date and then doesn’t call back if say I want to wait for at least two or three months until we know each other better. I don't want to bond with anyone based on a hormone rush from sex.

Recently, I dated a highly educated man who said it'll be very interesting to have sex with a virgin and then we can be friends. I told him I didn’t want to see him again.

Now I'm dating with a man who is 10 years older than me and makes me feel at peace. I don't know where this relationship is going, but he didn’t bring up this issue too early, and that impressed me very much.

Who suggested the 3rd date rule? It's not a comfortable thing for me. Emerald

Hi Emerald,

I don’t know who started the 3rd date rule, but it was probably a guy.

This is because of the differences between the sexes when it comes to, well, sex. Guys have billions of sperm and are programmed to “spread their seed” as soon as possible, with as many women as possible. Women have a limited number of eggs, are programmed to be more selective when it comes to having sex.

Women often have sex too soon, thinking that if they don’t, they’ll lose the guy or if the sex is great, they’ll catch the guy. Both these thoughts are incorrect.

I used to tell women to have sex when they “felt” like it, until I realized that most women these days are not in touch with their feelings and would probably end up having sex sooner rather than later.

So, the time to have sex with a man you want to have a relationship with is when you are absolutely sure that it’s not just about sex. You know that he wants you for you, not just for your body. The sex will mean something to him. Until then, you and all women should keep their legs closed and their eyes open!

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I am a chemist, fairly attractive and graduated at the top of my class at an Ivy League school. I want to have children but can’t seem to find a guy! The only guys who seem to be interested in me are other chemists or scientists, but I have no interest in them. They actually look as you would imagine them to look, which is not very attractive!

My ideal guy would be very good looking and also from an Ivy League school, yet they only seem to be interested in trophy women. I find that very shallow.

My I.Q. is 142 yet I cannot figure out why it’s so hard for me to find a guy. Am I too smart? V.G.

Hi V.G.,

Sometimes, we are too smart for our own good. I often find that people who are intellectually intelligent are not always socially intelligent. They lead with their resume, much as you did in your email.

As I’m sure you already know, guys are attracted to looks first, and then they are interested in what is behind that. While many women think this is unfair, you have to look at it from the point of view of Mother Nature.

If a guy is not attracted to a woman, he will not be able to “get it up”. If he can’t get excited, he will not be able to have intercourse, which means the woman will not be able to get pregnant. If women can’t get pregnant and have children, eventually the human race will disappear. This is why it’s actually a good thing that men choose women with their penis!

You said you are fairly attractive yet want someone who is very good looking. While there are a lot of inter-racial couples, there aren’t a lot of “inter-facial” couples. This is because people tend to feel more comfortable with people who are close to them in terms of attractiveness.

If there is a big disparity in looks – the man is a 9 and the woman is a 6 or vice versa, it is generally because one of them has power, wealth or status. A very good looking guy from an Ivy League school can easily get a 10, so why would he settle for less? He’s more interested in his equal in terms of attractiveness as opposed to his equal in terms of intellect, for the reason I gave above.

What should you do? I believe you have three choices.

You can get a makeover and transform yourself from fairly attractive to very attractive. Most women are not maximizing their looks either because they don’t care, don’t know how or don’t think they have to. I’m amazed to find that people who are, in my opinion, a 6 or 7 on the looks scale, actually think they are an 8 or a 9 and vice versa!

You need to either be brutally honest with yourself or find someone who is willing to be so and figure out what you need to change. You will then have a better chance of attracting the type of guy you say you want. You will still be the same person on the inside, you’re just making the “packaging” more appealing.

Your second choice is to “go to where you’re wanted”. This means, look around and see who is interested in you, who you’ve been ignoring. Are you not also being shallow by rejecting the chemists and scientists based on their looks? Instead of automatically dismissing them, why not at least go on one date and see what happens? You may be pleasantly surprised.

Finally, if your primary goal is children more than marriage, the only other thing to do would be to go to a sperm bank and ask for someone who is very attractive and from an Ivy League school. While I don’t agree with raising children without a father, this is an option if you’re open to it.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I’m 31 years old, married to a 39 year old man for 4 years now. My husband’s previous relationship was with a woman 11 years older than him. She is a very nice lady, beautiful, funny and their relationship lasted for 4 years. He left her for me 6 years ago

I’m envious that I don’t have the same experiences and the same confidence she has and I think that this is important for my husband. He is very mature and very logical I’m very emotional and an artistic spirit.

They write to each other every 5-6 months but don’t ever speak on the phone.

A month ago my husband sent her an email that said, "I still think of you everyday".  She never ever writes back anything that seems erotic. I think she only wants his friendship.

Once when we had a fight he wrote to her, "My wife is so immature, she drives me crazy sometimes.”  What does he mean? Do you think he wants to be with her again or that he is only friends?

I never feel "enough" for him. There is always something missing and I don’t know what it is. Sometimes I feel he is still in love with his ex. Other times I’m trying not to be so insecure. I cry everyday thinking about how to deal with that.

He doesn’t know any of this is happening, he thinks everything is ok. I can’t let myself be happy. My smile is fake; my heart is broken. Our relationship looks perfect, he seems very happy with me.

I'm very confused. What can I do to win this competition? I know I may lose the game, but at least I can try, I really love him. I want his children. But I can’t live under these circumstances with him.

I know it’s crazy that I check his email, but it’s the only way to know what’s going on. I want to stop that - I hate it. It’s very hard for me because I can’t tell anyone how painful it is to spy in my husband’s email account and read things like that. Vickie

Hi Vickie,

One of the cornerstones of any relationship, but especially marriage, is trust. Your husband has not given you any reason not to trust him. Writing to his ex twice a year is nothing. This is about you, your insecurities and your anxious attachment style.

I would suggest you speak to a therapist about what is going on. You are threatened by his ex, and yet, he left her for you! If he wanted to be with her, he would be. If, however, you don’t seek help and get a grip on your issues, he may wish he was with her!

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I am very interested in this guy at work. He is 22 and I am 25. He is a virgin and I am very experienced. For some reason I am extremely attracted to him, despite his mild nerdiness and lack of social skills.

When I first started working at my job we went on a couple of dates. He seemed very interested in me and was spouting sexual innuendo constantly. When I eventually tried to follow through (have sex) he "freaked out" mid make out session. He asked me if things would be awkward at work, and when I said "No, we would be friends as usual and nothing would change", he then responded by saying we should take it more slowly and get to know each other.

I suppose this may be right, but after that night he became really shy and awkward at work. He could barely look me in the eyes, but when he did, he smiled and gave me that look – you know- the twinkly eyes?

He ended up breaking it off within a couple of days. I was totally shocked and bummed. We now can barely speak to each other (mainly because when I do he freaks out, says something awkward, and then runs away) I don't know what to do. I have to see him every day and drool over him, which is torturous. Plus I feel like he is still attracted to me but is scared or intimidated. I can't figure out how to make him feel comfortable again! What do you suggest?  Alle

Hi Alle,

If he is running away from you (literally and figuratively), then you need to stop chasing. If no one is chasing him, he has no reason to run. Think of him as you would a cat. If you notice, they will run away from you if you try to go near them. However, if you ignore them, they eventually get curious and come over to see what you’re all about.

While you want to continue being friendly, you should actually be the one to run away from him. Since he seems to have trouble even talking to you, just smile and keep walking when you see him. Do not try to initiate a conversation. Don’t even say, “Hi”. Your mantra is: Smile and keep walking.

If he’s interested, he’ll eventually want to start talking to you again. You will still need to let him take the initiative. Don’t ask him out, don’t try to get together. Basically, let him lead and see where this leads to.