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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I'm involved with this guy who just got out of a four year relationship and does not want a relationship with anyone at the moment. I met him a month after his break up. We clicked and connected really fast, so we started to date and called it "seeing each other".

We had sex after 9 months. He has a hard time trusting and getting close to women because of his past and the way his ex hurt him.

He tells me he isn't seeing anyone or dating anyone besides me. I feel that he uses distance a lot; some weeks he calls me more often and some weeks he won't call me for five days. Why does he do that?

He says that I’m his girlfriend and tells me how he feels only when he is drunk or buzzed. He does not want to open up about his feelings towards me when he is sober. 

I am 23 years old and thinking about a long-term relationship but he is 26 years old and not thinking about any of this. Is it all because of his past? Gretchen

Dear Gretchen,

You met him only one month after he got out of a 4 year relationship. That was way too soon for him to start dating. He was still bound to the other person on an energy level, and anyone he dated on a regular basis risked being a rebound. I believe him when he said he didn’t want a relationship at that time.

However, it sounds like it has been at least 9 months since you met. By now, he should know if he wants a relationship with you or not. He is giving you mixed signals. One week he calls, one week he doesn’t. As I mentioned in my book, "Lucia’s Lessons of Love", this type of inconsistency generally indicates a low interest level. Someone that is “into you” and isn’t playing games is consistent. They don’t let 5 days pass without calling, simply because they would miss you and want to at least hear your voice. I believe he has feelings for you but doesn’t want a commitment with you. It’s possible he was using you to get over his ex, and knew it could never be anything serious.

The foundation of any good relationship is communication. Do you want to be with a man that can only express his feelings when he is drinking? Are you going to have to get him drunk every time you want to find out the truth about something? Don’t you want someone who is consistent in his actions and is able to express his feelings?

Although I don’t generally recommend ultimatums, you two are on such opposite ends of the dating spectrum that in this case, I would recommend one. You don’t need to be mean about it. Very calmly let him know you are looking for a committed relationship, and his inconsistent, uncommunicative behavior leads you to believe “he’s just not that into you”.  Let him know that unless he is willing to make a commitment, you will have no choice but to move on.

Afterwards, do not contact him. When he calls you, and he will, only speak to him if he is sober. Accept nothing less than a commitment. Don’t let him try to bargain with you. If he really has feelings for you and thinks of you as his girlfriend, he won’t want to lose you. If he doesn’t, then he will let you go. Actions speak louder than words and it’s about time you found out the truth.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years now and we've had more than our fair share of arguments and very rough times. We've made it through all that and yet I often wonder does he still love me the way he used to?

When the passion starts fading, what can I do next? I would really appreciate honesty here as I need that. Alexa

Dear Alexa,

We will have to blame Mother Nature for the natural decline of romantic passion in long term relationships. Intense passion consumes a lot of time and energy and it would not be efficient for it to continue for years. This is why after about 18 months to 2 years, it turns into attachment and feelings of safety and contentment.

Does this mean we are doomed to passionless, long term relationships?   Heck no!

There are many things you can do to keep the romantic fires burning. Keep the sensual part of you alive. Don’t get lazy just because you’re in a committed relationship. Continue to be his girlfriend. Do those things you did in the beginning when you first started dating. Keep appreciating him, admiring him, flirting and complimenting. People often forget to continue doing these things, thinking such actions are no longer necessary. This is actually the secret to protecting a relationship against infidelity.

Continue to do fun and exciting things, create new situations, such as doing a staycation at a hotel once in a while.

Finally, don’t forget that absence makes the heart grow fonder. Space helps maintain romantic passion. To quote from Kahlil Gibran’s “The Prophet”: Let there be spaces in your togetherness.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I love the way you teach women to like and respect themselves when it comes to dealing with men -- no games and no bullshit - and that's very challenging these days. Keep up the good work!

I would like to know how to not get discouraged when using the law of attraction. How do I visualize a person who is not specific?   I know the kind of man I want to attract and the specific qualities, but how can I picture him without seeing a specific person?  Dee

Hi Dee,

Thanks for your compliments. I genuinely appreciate them.

When you first start to use the law of attraction, part of you doesn’t believe it’s possible, so it’s quite easy to get discouraged. I suggest you start with something small. Once you see that it works, you’ll be more confident that it will work with something bigger. How about a parking spot? I always visualize a parking spot available on the ground floor of the parking structure at my gym. Before I started using the law of attraction, I was usually only able to get a spot there a few times a year. Since I started the visualization, I usually end up parking there 3-4 times a month. See the parking area in your mind with an empty spot waiting just for you!

Remember that the word “action” is in the word “attraction”. This means, once you’ve decided what it is you want to attract, you must also start to take steps towards your goal. You’ll know you’re making headway once you start to notice synchronicities (such as, someone leaving a parking spot just as you are looking for one).

Your life is presently an out picturing of your previous feelings and thoughts. You can’t change the present but you can create the future. Thumb your nose at the way things are and focus on how you would like them to be.

In terms of bringing someone into your life, once you’ve made your list of the qualities you’re looking for in a person, you do not need to visualize a person. You need to feel the feeling of that person already being in your life. How would you feel when you kiss them good night before you go to sleep? When you think about the person on your list, how do you feel? Feelings are powerful creators. Feel that person as already being in your life. Take any action necessary to bring you closer to bringing someone into your life – try online dating, take a class, join a gym, etc.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I recently started seeing a guy. At first, he was the best. He would text me every other day, and if he had an unexpected day off from work, he would call and ask me to do something.

About a week ago I could feel him pulling away (he wouldn't text back so quickly or instead of returning a call right away, he would e-mail me when he got home). I texted him on Sunday to say hello and that we should get together this week. He wrote back: Sounds great! That was his standard response when we were going to do something. I haven’t heard back from him since.

We went out for about 4 weeks and luckily I didn't have sex with him. I wasn't really into him, but I thought, "I’ll give this guy a chance because he's so nice." 

I am really disappointed in his behavior. If he doesn't want to see me anymore, I would have expected that he call me or something, not just flake out altogether. He was a real gentleman from day one and now this. Candace

Dear Candace,

This proves my theory that those who are willing to rush in will be just as willing to rush out. I know the movies and tv have us brainwashed to think that it’s romantic when someone we hardly know starts to text every other day and want to spend all their free time with us, but it’s generally a big, red flag. They’re more in love with the idea of love than the actual person, because it’s too soon for anyone to really know who they’re dealing with.

You said you’re not really into him so this is more about your ego being bruised than anything else.  The only thing you can do now is to pull back and if you do hear from him, give him less of your time.  If he wants to see you more often, he'll have to earn it.  Don’t make someone a priority when they only see you as an option.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I’ve been dating a man for 2 1/2 months.   He has a demanding government job which requires extensive travel during election season so his time is extremely limited. He said that he was hesitant to ask me out because of his job. We agreed to keep it casual for the time being, and have not slept together.

We have not had a date in 3 weeks. He just told me that he will be traveling for 2 months, and he was sorry we have not been able to hang out. Should I talk to him about my feelings or just give up? Has he lost interest or is he taking this very slow?   Sophie

Dear Sophie,

Since I don’t have my crystal ball today I can’t tell you if he’s lost interest or not, but I do know one thing and that is that following the typical female route of “talking about your feelings” is just going to push him away further.

He already has the pressure of his job, he doesn’t need more pressure from a relationship, that should be a place where he can relax, not be more stressed. Of course you’re entitled to your feelings, but that doesn’t mean you need to express them at this point in your dating relationship. You’re supposed to be taking it slow, remember. This means, going with the flow and not pushing for things to happen or asking for explanations when things aren’t happening as fast as you would like.

If you leave them alone, most men eventually return on their own. Most women never get to experience this because when men start to exhibit behavior that could be interpreted as “pulling away”, they chase after them. To take a page from the book, How to Make a Man Behave in 21 Days or Less Using the Secrets of Professional Dog Trainers, “If your dog is running away from you, the worst thing you can do is chase after him. He’ll only run faster. Instead, remain calm. Act like you’re having loads of fun without him. Soon he’ll be trotting eagerly back.”

Keep dating other guys, and who knows, when he’s back in 2 months, you may not even be interested any more.