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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I’m 21 and have been seeing this guy who is 28.  Things were going great and I was so happy. He was good to my kids and to me. I never had to pay for anything and he drove two hours just to see me on the weekends.

3 days ago after he left we were talking online and got into a fight. He was saying I needed to improve on my lovemaking skills.  He said he would show me more things.  I shot back at him that he was small the first few times.  He said it was because I didn't do enough to get him excited and it made me mad, like I was the only one who needed to improve.

Later, after crying and drinking, I wrote him that I loved him.  He told me he didn't love me but that he "cared for me a lot".   We've been together over a month and I've cooked for him, we've gone out, played with my kids, cuddled and fell asleep together every time he was here. I thought after doing all that by now those feelings should be mutual??

Before this happened we talked on the phone every night for 4 hours.  Lately when we text each other he's very short and to the point with me.  I just don't know what happened.      I went from feeling like I was so happy and floating on air with this guy to sad and depressed and unsure of how to get things back to the way they were.

It really bothers me because this guy is educated and a gentleman - like nothing I've ever had before. The whole thing was so perfect and I really put myself out there.  How do I save this relationship? Amber.


Dear Amber,

The problem here is that you are 21 and therefore, immature.  My answer is not going to all of a sudden make you mature, but hopefully it will plant a seed.

The key to men is to remember that they are constantly looking at situations as:  Am I winning, am I not winning?  When men feel as if they are not winning, they withdraw.  That’s why he isn’t communicating with you as much as he was before.

Never, ever criticize a guy for his sexual skills.  So much of his identity and ego is tied into his sexuality, that it will always be a no win situation.  You are only 21, so he probably doesn’t expect you to be a dynamo in bed at this point.  If he wants to show you some things, he’s doing you a favor.  Some guys would just leave.

Don't contact him, but respond if he reaches out to you.  Also, you need to stop trying to rush things.  It’s only been a month.  Slow down, otherwise, you are just rushing to the end of the relationship.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I was online recently when my ex, who is friends with my current boyfriend, came online and started to flirt with me. I flirted back. I lied to my boyfriend, saying I was going to bed.  A few hours later he found out from my ex that we were flirting when he thought I was sleeping.

That’s when he started to not trust me. He doesn’t treat me the same anymore. He talks to me harshly, calling me a cheap girl, disgusted, and more. I want to make it up to him. I want to have a healthy relationship with him like we used to, but I don’t know how. Diashdak

Hi Diashdak,

He has every right to not trust you. You’re supposed to be in a relationship with him and here you are flirting with your ex. Are you sure you’re over him?

You need to ask your guy what you can do to regain his trust. Then you need to follow through and be where you say you’re going to be, doing what you said you would be doing. If he’s willing to give you a second chance, you can slowly regain his trust that way.

As for the ex, I think he’s trying to break the two of you up. I would stay far, far away from him.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I am attracted to a man who works in a department store. I was standing with my back towards him when he walked up behind me and asked if I needed help. I said yes and then turned around and WOW - here is this gorgeous guy standing there. Since it was not his department, he called for help and we left it at that.

I was looking for an item that had to be ordered and a few days later I went back to order it. He again approached me and asked if I needed help. I thanked him and told him that he helped me a few days before. He suddenly seemed to remember who I was and what I was looking for that day, so we briefly chatted about that.

Five days later I went back again with a gay male friend of mine to find out if my order came in. We saw him from the distance and he shouted something like: "You should get a job here since you are here all the time". He walked over to us and we chatted for a few minutes.

My friend was the one who started joking around that this guy likes me. I was thinking that maybe he is just a helpful sales person, but my friend's point was that it looked like he came over just to chat me up, because he left his department to talk to me.

The sales person who ordered my item was not there that day so I went back to him and gave him my telephone number and asked him to give it to the other employee.

At this point I did go back to him as a reason to talk to him a bit again. He was very helpful, professional and smiled at me a lot. I noticed that he had no wedding ring.

My item arrived a few days later and I when I went to pick it up I thanked him for his help. He introduced himself and we shook hands.

I had his name finally and I used it to search online to see if I could find out something. He has an account on one of those friendship sites (not a dating site). He has a few pictures up there and it also says that he is in a relationship.

My original plan was to go back to the store and ask him out for coffee, but at this point I am not sure if that would be appropriate. I do not want to take what that website said as the absolute truth but I also do not want to be in a middle of anything.

I still would like to get the opportunity to ask him out, but my dilemma is that I am debating between asking him out vs. go back to the store again and see if he would ask me out. I used to work in a department store before and I also know that it may be against their rules for an employee to ask a customer out on a date.

What do you suggest? Should I take the chance and ask him out or should I go back to the store with an alibi? I also have an account on that website, so I could also send him a message there as well. K.R.

Hi K.R.,

What an exciting adventure this sounds like! You’re right; he may not be able to ask you out because you’re a customer.

Whenever you meet someone who is “on the job” and you are attracted to them, I suggest giving them your card and saying something like, “I really enjoyed talking to you. If you’d like to get together, here’s my number.” Smile and walk away. You don’t want to put them on the spot if they were just being friendly and are not interested in anything further.

I would definitely not suggest contacting him on the website. He’ll know you’ve been doing research on him and while it may be flattering, it’s also a bit creepy.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

My boyfriend and I have been together for three and a half years. We recently had a fight which lasted three weeks.   We finally sat down last night and talked things out.

Afterwards, he looked at me and said, “You look great, you been exercising?”   I said, “Yes. I want to work on toning my body more since I’m pushing mid-40."   That was nice of him to notice.  

On his way out the door he said, “I’m going to call you over so don’t go to sleep.” I was not in the mood to be intimate, I was mentally drained. He called but I had the ringer off so that I would not be temped to answer.

Why do men want to have sex when they see the physical part looking hot? Should I have given in to sex just because he wanted to? I would not have been mentally there. I was not ready to jump back into the sack quite yet. After fighting for three weeks, is it okay to have sex?   Aesha

Hi Aesha,

A fight that lasted 3 weeks?  Wow.  Hopefully it's been settled for good.

Men like to make up by having sex, whereas women don’t feel like having sex until they have made up. You can see how this might cause problems between the sexes.

If you were too mentally drained to have sex, then you did the right thing by not answering. However, I would have preferred if you had just been honest with him and told him you were just not up to it at that moment, instead of ignoring his call.

He was probably turned on by seeing you looking so good, especially after not having been intimate with you for over 3 weeks.

By the way, you’re not pushing mid-40, you’re simply in your mid-40’s. Don’t go along with that antiquated mind set of using disrespectful terminology when referring to women over 40.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I met this guy while he was working; I was one of his customers. He is the first guy I can say I’ve been serious about. At first I didn't like him, because I liked being single, so naturally I gave him a very hard time. As time went on, he ended up being a great guy and very stable.

We tried to keep things discreet. A male friend of mine works at his job as well. I went up there the other day to see my friend for business related purposes. My guy is pissed at me now and he won't talk to me at all for whatever reason and he won't tell me why. He just said that he wasn't stupid and I shouldn't try to play him for a fool.

I haven't heard from him at all and yes heart aches and I'm upset at the same time. I know my friend is a little flirty, I'm hoping he didn't make up some kind of lie just to see if there is anything between us because no one really knows and trust me they are asking questions.

I just don't know what to do. I'm at the point to just leave him alone altogether. Should I just give up because it is a petty situation or if I should try something else because it's a petty situation? Is he a tad jealous because I went to see my friend? Should I let him blow off steam? Two weeks ago he couldn't stay away from me and now all of a sudden nothing. Not so lucky
.

Dear Not so lucky,

Something doesn’t make sense. If your guy knows the other guy is just a friend, why would he be so upset? If he’s so stable, why is he refusing to have a conversation about it? Have you asked your male friend what is going on? I think there is some missing information here.

The only thing you can do is call and try to talk to him one more time. Do it when you are in a calm state of mind. Tell him there must be a misunderstanding and you’d like to clear it up. If he refuses, tell him it’s his prerogative to not discuss it, wish him well and don’t contact him again. If he cares, in time, he will contact you.

If you get his voicemail, leave a brief message saying there must be a misunderstanding, because the other guy is just a friend. Again mention that if he doesn’t want to discuss it, he certainly has that right, and wish him well.

Having said that, I would think twice about getting involved with a man who refuses to have a conversation whenever an issue arises.