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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I have been single for about 5 months and I have no problem getting dates. Some lead to fascinating conversations followed by sweet kisses but most go nowhere.  I have a few guy friends with benefits on the side, not guys I'd date, but for no strings attached sex and friendship (watching movies, occasionally venting or searching for advice).

I recently started seeing someone. He's very charming and handsome, and I don't mean to stereotype but often these types of guys are trouble.  I'm trying to protect my heart from destruction while enjoying my time with him and finding we have all these things in common. I don't think this guy is looking for a typical relationship, but I don't really know what he's looking for (and I know not to assume anything, or ask where it's headed).

I kind of like being a "player" but I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.  I would settle down for the right guy, but not anything less. What I'm wondering is when do you know you should stop seeing or sleeping with other people?  And perhaps more importantly, do you think that my system of compartmentalizing my needs impairs me from being open for a true lasting relationship in the long run?  Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,

Until you’ve had a conversation about exclusivity, you should continue to see and/or sleep with other people. You don’t know what his intentions are, so getting rid of everyone else in the hopes that he will eventually want a relationship is foolish.

I’ve found that if a woman doesn’t ask, “Where is this going?” or “What are we?” eventually the man will bring it up. At that point, you are in a better position to “negotiate”.  If he never brings it up, then he doesn't want a commitment.

Your question about compartmentalizing was very interesting.  I believe you are currently trying to protect your heart by having “no strings attached” sex.  I also believe the capacity to love and give one’s heart is innate.  Although it may be temporarily pushed to the side, when you meet someone who you trust and feel safe with, you will be open to a lasting relationship.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I've dated my boyfriend for 1 year and a half.  We are Christians and have not had sex. We are not virgins, we both had other relationships and lovers before we met but we made a commitment to purity until marriage

He told me he was not happy with his job situation and was desperate for a change.  I got anxious since we had talked and fantasized about the idea of marriage. He started feeling pressure, freaked out and bailed the day before Valentines Day, because he thought I was expecting a proposal.
 
It’s been 4 months since we've broken up.  We have not seen each other and have had limited conversation.  In a recent call he told me he didn’t feel prepared professionally or financially to provide. He said he was having doubts about us and that it may very well be that he is afraid of change and commitment.

He said that he still does not think we are over and that he's confused. One day he thinks he did the right thing but the next day he misses me and thinks he might have made a mistake.  In short he said he is still figuring us out. 
 
I spied on his Facebook page and saw there was correspondence with a chick and major flirting.  We spoke today and it was tearing me apart. I asked him about her and he said they've hung out, she is a big flirt, but he is not "seeing" her.

Christian or not, he's still a man and these comments on Facebook to this girl were not "Christian like".  Her last message to him was "I miss you".  I'm going nuts here. He tells me vague things about us. I hold on to that thinking there is hope but then I find out he's up to something with someone else...
 
I love this man and I want him back.  I need to get him away from this chick and make him miss me and realize I'm the one for him.  How do I do this when our conversation is limited to begin with?  Sammi

Dear Sammi,

This man has told you many things since he broke up with you; however, even though you say you love him, you have not told me that he has said that he loves you. His words and actions are not those of a man who is ready to be married.

I don’t know what the story is with the new girl. I’ve found that on social media, things are not always what they seem. Just because she may miss him, it doesn’t mean he misses her! She may have said that to make them seem closer than they are, in order to keep other women away. You can’t worry about the competition. You can only control your own behavior.

Do not sit around waiting for him to decide whether he is coming back or not. He has all the power. I’d be going nuts too. It’s time to take the power back.

Ask God to give you the strength to accept the situation as it currently is and for the strength to move on and start dating other men. I truly believe this is the only way you can turn this around.

If you are sitting around obsessing about him 24/7, he will pick up on it and will know he can take all the time in the world to make up his mind. If however, you have moved on, he will be able to sense that something is different whenever you do have contact.

Don’t be so quick to return phone calls, emails and/or texts. Don’t ask him for a status report on his feelings or the situation between you two. Keep conversations light, fun and short. Be busy and happy when you speak to him. In essence, the same things you did to attract him in the beginning are the same things you must now do to “re-attract” him.

If he starts to show signs of wanting to get back together, don’t be so quick to take him back. He’s already bailed once. He needs to prove that he’s in it for the long haul and is seriously considering marriage.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I met my boyfriend a little over two years ago. When we met I was overcoming a pretty serious addiction that I had. During this time he supported me and we became very close. 3 months later I was pregnant. We decided to try to stay together and get to know each other while going through the pregnancy. We quickly moved in together and got through it.

During this time however I noticed red flags and chose to ignore them. I am usually much like you and I am quick to drop a guy who I feel is gonna be a pain in the future. I think that having his baby, however, made me bend some of the rules I set for her sake.

I am confused because he has some excellent qualities that most men don't have. He cooks almost everyday and washes the dishes afterwards. He cleans around the house and is a great father. His daughter loves him, not to mention that any family event I ask him to go to he will be there.

The only problem is he has a hard time getting a job and he constantly calls me names during our arguments (sometimes I retaliate by calling him names also). He calls me a whore or a bitch and I'll call him a fat ass or a loser. When we met he was in excellent shape and gained a lot of weight while I was pregnant.

He brings up some very hurtful things that a former family member did to me as a child and has even said it like this, "Oh yeah? And what about what you did with your *****, you probably want to go be with him so you can f**k him". I’m no angel, but it seems like everything I do is wrong.

Another thing that is a very big problem is that he knows I am bi-polar and he uses it as an excuse in every one of our arguments, making it out to be my fault...I hope you know what to do because I want to do what's best for my daughter but I also want what's best for me as well. Toxic Relationship

Hi Toxic,

You may be like me in that you leave when you see the red flags, but that’s where the similarity ends. I would never allow myself to become pregnant with a man who I barely knew and had not made a commitment to.

All the name calling tells me you are both very immature. Unfortunately I can’t just wave a magic wand and make you both grow up, but you’re going to have to, because you’ve now brought an innocent child into your situation.

The first thing you can do is stop with the name calling. Guys don’t respond well to criticism. It usually just makes them angry or want to withdraw. If you do this, he will probably also stop.

Then you need to appreciate the good things he does. You mentioned some of them in your email. Thank him for cooking, cleaning, being a great father, etc. Men are always looking for a “win” so he will respond very well to positive reinforcement.

If, however, none of the above suggestions work, then your last resort would be to see a counselor. You need to try to make this work for the sake of your daughter, or she may be yet another female to end up growing up without a father in the home.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I’m in big trouble, I’m afraid. I’ve been in a relationship with a great guy for almost a year now. At the beginning I was a bit distant and afraid to get close to him. I didn't reveal my true feelings & had the pleasure of him ''chasing me''. He gave me so much love & affection, as I had never imagined. So I finally started to become as tender as he was and maybe even more (big mistake).

Everything was okay until the fourth month, when his ex-girlfriend appeared and claimed him back after 2 years. They had an 8 years relationship (since they were both 17) and she left him for another guy. As soon as she heard he was starting over, she told him she regretted it and wanted him back, in a rather intense way (crying & begging).

She's been calling him at least once a month complaining about her life without him. I know all this because he told me, even though I didn't want to listen.   He said he wanted to be honest with me and wanted me to know what's going on in his life. He has ensured me he's in love with me, not her.  

I still feel insecure and jealous because he doesn't discourage her calling him. He said he chooses me, but he feels sorry for her and can't tell her to stop calling him because she has no other support from friends or family.

From what I know, he has met with her three times so far, to calm her down. Right afterwards, he would meet with me, to calm me down. Each time before seeing her, he always let me know that he would, and after their meeting, he told me that he is worried about her because she’s in a bad place right now.

When I said: Don't tell me, I don't want to know! He answered: Don't you want to know how I feel?   I answered: I want this to stop now! He said: I understand you, but I can’t just can't ''kick'' someone whom I've known and loved (in a friendly way now) out of my life. You are both pressuring me. You both say you love me but don't really care about me.

This has been going on for five months now and although I trust that he would never cheat on me, this whole thing is a blow to my ego. He has stopped being as attentive as he was before and he looks sad. I believe it’s because of this situation along with some severe financial problems.

How can I stop this unpleasant situation without appearing ''bitchy'' and get him 100% back to me? Evanthia

Dear Evanthia,

Think back to how you behaved when you first started dating. Did you attract your boyfriend by crying and begging? Did you call him to complain about your life? Did he have to come over to calm you down? No? Then why would you think that his ex behaving this way would be attractive? I really don’t think you have anything to worry about. She is repelling him with her behavior, and eventually he will get sick of it.

Your boyfriend is a nice guy. He feels a sense of loyalty to her because she was a big part of his life. If you were with him for 8 years, would you want him to just ignore you afterwards?

He’s right when he says you both don’t care about him. You are both just thinking about yourselves.

What should you do? The only way to get him back to how it was in the beginning is to behave the same way you did in the beginning. Tell him you’ve thought about it and realized you have not been as supportive as you could have been. Tell him you understand and think he’s a great guy for being such a concerned ex boyfriend.

I would also tell him to see her and talk to her as often as he feels the need to. His jaw will probably drop! Pushing him to see her, will actually make him less likely to see her.

Be confident that eventually things will get back to the way they were. He will think he has the most understanding girlfriend in the world!

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I emailed you few months ago about my boyfriend (who now is my ex). He told me that "We can be gf /bf but I will never marry you". The moment I received a reply from you, I decided to break up with him and move on with my life. I am glad I did as I have met a really nice guy.

Things have been really good - calls/texts etc. He always wanted to meet me in my spare time. Then suddenly he stopped calling me. I didn’t call him on the 1st day but on the 2nd day we had to link up. I called him a few times, but he didn’t answer. I sent him a text and. he replied, "We should move on. I am sorry. I have my reasons, forgive me"

I didn’t respond. After 2 days he texted me asking if I was ok and why I stopped calling/texting him. I replied "I am not happy with you not because you broke up with me via text and you never mentioned if you wanted us to remain friends." He responded "That text wasn’t meant for you, I can explain" and he made me believe that the text was for his ex who is after him.

Since then things haven’t been the same. He doesn’t call or text me as he used to.  When I mention this, he blames me for not calling/texting. I was tired of this and I texted him saying that I wanna move on with my life if he is not sure what he wants. He replied, “I know what I want baby and that’s you. I will give you a call tomorrow.” I haven’t heard from him. What should I do? Is he playing games?  Shall I move on with my life?  Jasmine

Hi Jasmine,

Ah, yes. The old, “That text wasn’t meant for you”. I’ve heard that one before. Interesting how he happened to send you a text “by mistake” right after you texted him! Even if it were true that it wasn’t for you (which I highly doubt), his actions afterwards betray his words.

Why do people assume the other person is playing a game when it’s obvious that they have lost interest? You ask, “What should I do?” Well, I think you’ve already done enough. Dating is like a dance. One step forward, one step back. Instead, every time you initiated contact or sent text after text before waiting to hear from him, you kept taking steps forward. In the end, you ran him over.

I’m not saying he doesn’t have any responsibility in this, but we can’t control others’ behavior, only our own. You are trying too hard, doing too much of the heavy lifting. If a guy is interested, he will eventually call/text again. It may take him longer than most women would like, but he will do it.

The key is to be patient and get on with your life in the meantime. Sitting around obsessing over someone and trying to hunt them down via phone/text is a dead end road.