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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I recently heard you say that, "It's wrong to ask a man for more time because that is the equivalent of begging". I completely disagree and had to say so. I'm happily married and have some valid input.

First of all, telling someone that something they did is wrong, seems wrong to me. But, communicating your needs to someone (communicating in general) is far from wrong, it's important and should be respected - respected as opposed to being called a beggar. It is also being respectful to yourself and honoring your feelings. I really hate that you told this girl (or the audience) that this makes her a "beggar". Lynn

Hi Lynn,

If you listened to talk radio in the 90’s, you may be familiar with Dr. Toni. She is a renowned clinical psychologist, media psychology pioneer, and best selling author of, " Being a Woman". Her radio show was where I first heard her say that “a woman shouldn’t have to beg for time”. I totally agree.

I’ve had men climbing trees to get to me because I hadn’t spoken to them in 10 days; flying across the country just to see me for 5 ½ hours (and no, it wasn’t for sex) and sob hysterically when I told them I had moved on. They certainly didn’t behave this way because I expressed my feelings.

Just like all truths do not need to be expressed, not all feelings need to be expressed either. That’s just misguided advice from the last century. Until a guy cares about you, he doesn’t care about your feelings.

Asking for more time is not the most effective way to get more time. If a man doesn't want to see you as often as you'd like, you need to first ask yourself if you're being unrealistic with your expectations.  If you aren't, then it means his interest level is lower than yours.  You don't ask for more time, you focus on raising his interest level in the time you do spend together.  That's the most effective way to get what you want.

That is why love is an art. You need to know when to speak up and when to shut up.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I've been dating my boyfriend for 2 years. We're in our 30's and have a committed relationship. Jay has been divorced since 2016 and was with the ex for 8 years. There were no children from the marriage.
 
He still has pictures of her on his PC. They are not displayed on the desktop, but are in folders & there are many of them. It’s upsetting for me when we are viewing pictures to have to stop abruptly because the rest of the pictures have her in them.
 
Last night I asked why he kept them and it seemed like he hadn't really thought it through, but then he just said that they were there for memories. I said,  "Well why can't you get rid of the ones that have her in them?"
 
Is it OK for me to ask him to get rid of her pictures? Bobi

Dear Bobi,

What are you afraid of? Do you think that one day he’ll be looking at her pictures and decide to get back together with her? Well, he just might do that if you’re going to be an insecure girlfriend. You’re asking him to throw away memories from 8 years of his life. How dare you!

He had a life before you met him. All his relationships, including his marriage, have made him into the person you fell in love with. If anything, you should be grateful that he’s already been married and made mistakes he’ll know not to repeat if you two ever walk down the aisle.

What matters is what’s in his heart, not his hard drive. Let it go.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I'm interested in the guy who teaches my dance class. He's a really confident and talented dancer. He has female groupies that hang around him. I'm pretty sure he's attracted to me by the way he makes eye contact and I feel sparks fly when we're dancing together. I've seen him outside of class and he always comes up to talk to me.

I gave him my number a month ago, without him asking for it, yet he hasn't called. Does this mean he's not into me? Alle


Dear Alle,

You’re so focused on everything that he is, that you don’t see what he isn’t. What he isn’t, is interested.. If a guy is interested and available, he doesn’t let a month go by without calling. Most guys call within 2 days.

It’s possible that he’s interested but he’s seeing someone. There’s also the possibility that he’s gay.

I would not have suggested you give him your number without his asking for it. People sometimes take the number just to be polite. If you wait until someone asks for your number, then you don’t have to sit around worrying whether they’re “into you” or not. Let men be men and ask for your number if they’re interested.

I suggest you continue to act friendly and mention nothing about his not calling. If he becomes available and he likes you, he’ll call. If not, say: Next!

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I met a very cool guy recently. He likes me too because I'm kind of beautiful. However, he's got a girlfriend for about 2 or 3 years. They're having some problems now but they're still together. I want to win his heart and steal him away from his girlfriend.  Is there any way to have his love? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

So, let’s say you’ve had a boyfriend for 2 or 3 years. You’re still together despite having some problems. Then a girl that’s “kind of beautiful” (whatever that means) comes along and wants to take him away from you. How would you feel? Should she go for it?

I believe a relationship between two people, whether they are married or not, is a sacred place. Relationships can be difficult enough as it is, without third parties interfering, trying to tear them apart. Besides, if it was possible to “win his heart” while he was involved with someone else, you would always be worried that another woman may come along and do the same thing. If he was willing to go once, who’s to say he’s not willing to go twice?

For the moment, this man is off limits. If they break up and he is still interested in pursing something with you at that time, fine. However, if you are going to try to lure him away while he is with someone else, just remember: What goes around, comes around.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia:

When I was in my last year of college, I loved a boy and expressed my feelings to him, but he rejected me. We lost touch after graduation. Now five years have passed by, and recently I found him on Facebook.  

After reading his posts and looking at his photos, I found that I still have a lot feelings for him. I know it's not healthy and that I should have moved on, but I just can't resist the feeling that drives me to think of him constantly. What should I do? Lindsay

Dear Lindsay,

I can totally identify with your story. When I was living in Italy I met a guy that I had a casual relationship with and I could never get him out of my mind. A few years ago I found him online.  We met up for one last time and now I’m over him.

When there are strong feelings for someone, they don’t generally go away with just the passing of time, especially if the other person didn’t feel the same. Maybe if you had had a chance to date him and know him better, you would have found out you weren’t that compatible and been able to move on by now.

The only thing to do is contact him with a casual messsage – like an old school friend saying hello. Keep it short, don’t bring up your feelings. If he responds, you can start an online dialog and see where it goes from there. Let him be the one to bring up talking on the phone or getting together. Good luck.