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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

Two years ago I met a guy.   I thought I had found my soul mate and the love he expressed for me left me in no doubt he felt the same way. 

After 6 months, we moved in together.  We had amazing times, as well as bad times, like any couple.  After about a year our relationship started to fall apart.  He lost his job and as our lifestyles diverged, it became harder and harder not to argue about every little thing. We decided to move apart after our one year lease expired.

The relationship survived for a few more months, but we saw less and less of each other. Finally, last New Year's Eve, we had a massive argument and he told me for the first time that he thought we had no future together.  Two days later, he left a package at my door with all the photos he's taken of me, as well as a 'sorry' postcard.  Since then there's been nothing, aside from a couple of short “Are you alright?” emails, which I ignored.

While I am totally determined to get over the whole thing and live my own life, I find it harder and harder with every passing day.  I can't stop thinking about him and any contact with random men only serves to remind me how special he was and what a beautiful connection we had together.

Should I let him know how I feel, despite the fact that the door has clearly been shown?

  Onyx

Dear Onyx,

I feel for you.   The end of a relationship is like going through drug withdrawal.  It may take you up to a year to fully get over him.

Your story is one of the reasons I tell people not to move in together, and especially not after 6 months.  You are basing your decision on feelings rather than facts.   You didn’t know him well enough at that point to decide whether you were a good match.  Chemistry cannot make up for a lack of commitment or compatibility.

When you’ve truly made a commitment to another person, you deal with problems as they come up.  Otherwise, you are just seeing how it goes, and if it doesn’t feel good, you leave.  That’s why marriage is a commitment and living together is a convenience.

Why would you want to tell him how you feel?  What do you think that will do?  I’m sure he knows you’re hurt.  His act of leaving the photos at your door was an act of hostility.  Why did he have to do that?

The only thing you can do at this point is learn your lessons and leave him alone.  He's the one who needs to reach out to you.  If seeing other men just makes you think about him, then don’t date for a while.  Get back to the life you had before you met him. 

I would also suggest that you do things for other people.  When we are suffering, it’s because we are “me” focused.  By getting outside yourself and helping others, you will feel good and also temporarily forget about your current state of mind.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I've been dating this guy for three years. Every year he has some type of financial situation he needs help with. He currently owes the Federal Government $3,000.00 for collecting unemployment illegally.

He asked me to take a loan out to help him get out this debt. I told him no. I got myself out of debt two years ago. No credit cards, car paid off, $2,500.00 in my savings.

Do you think I should help him out when he can't afford to take me to Applebee’s or Red Lobster? I've made my mind up to start dating better men who are not financial losers!! A.K.

Dear A.K.,

I remember when you wrote to me about this guy several years ago when you first started dating him. Let me quote a part of my answer to you at that time:

"I suggest you cut off all communication with this loser immediately and permanently. Nothing good can come out of having him in your life, not to mention the fact that you will be setting a very bad example for your daughters."

Unfortunately, you chose not to follow my advice (It’s okay, most people don’t, because they are making an emotional decision instead of a logical one.  Emotions don't have an IQ).

So, here we are again. 3 years later and nothing has changed. He was asking you for money before and he’s asking you for money again.  Men are literally "wired" to want to provide for their partner.  If a guy isn't willing or able to do that, something has gone terribly wrong.

My question to you is: Why do you think so little of yourself that you’re willing to be with someone who collects unemployment illegally and is always asking you for money? How can you respect someone like that? Remember, there is no love without respect. There may be attachment, but there can’t be love.

I used to date guys like that, until I let one move in with me temporarily. It was like having a kid, he always needed something. I was so happy to finally be rid of him 3 months later. I vowed to never again date guys who were financially irresponsible and I’ve kept my promise.

I really hope you’ve finally learned your lesson and are going to stay away from guys who don’t have their act together financially.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

My “fiancé” and I met about a year ago. The first 3 months we dated, he showed me a lot of respect, in every possible way. His plans were to get know each other, date, move in together and soon after that, get married. Since I’ve known him his biggest dream is to get married and have a big family with me. At that time, I had family problems and I needed to move out. He offered to help so he got me an apt. It was no ordinary apartment - it was a luxury apartment. He even furnished it, paid the rent and gave me a weekly allowance. He said he didn’t want me working at all.

The first three months in the new apartment were great. I had my own place and he had his. I was living a good life, going out and partying. I hung out at bars or with friends because he was hardly ever around. One day I suddenly realized that this wasn’t what I wanted, I was only going out because he was always working. I began to notice a pattern – he was never around on the weekends. I confront him all the time, but he always gives me lame excuses like, “I took a pill and it knocked me out.” Every Monday, without exception, he starts calling me. When he is at his house, he doesn’t answer my calls. When I had the apt. he only stayed over two or three times in six months.

The next three months I was even more suspicious. I have tried to talk to him and he always gives me the same answer - that he is not married. I decided to move out and back with family. The holidays were coming and I knew then that he wasn’t going to spend them with me. We are supposed to move in together in the next few months, when we are supposedly “engaged”.

I've never been to his house. I know where he lives, but I never been invited and what’s more confusing, I don’t know his family. I have his home number because I found it on the internet but he has never given it to me. We only go out on my side of town, not his. Could I be so blind? I mean, he is not a bad person - he’s a very religious and conservative person. He doesn’t drink or party - he is a boring person.

I'm almost ready to move on. I just want to know the truth but I don’t want to stalk him - that is not me. Caryn

Dear Caryn,

Wow. You’re almost ready to move on? How many red flags do you need before you’re willing to see that he’s married or living with someone? What does a red flag have to do before it gets your attention? Chase you down and hit you over the head?

When a person’s words are the opposite of their actions, ignore everything they say and only look at what they do. So, let’s review:

He didn’t give you his home number
You’ve never been to his home
He’s never around on weekends
You’ve never met his family
He’s only slept over 2-3 times
He didn’t spend the holidays with you

Do I need to go on? I guess he’s not a bad person, if you don’t consider cheating and lying bad. And exactly which religion condones infidelity? Don’t be fooled. A lot of conservative, boring people who don’t drink or party have no problem being unfaithful.

So, now you know the truth. Asking him why he lied to you will only lead to more lies. There is nothing here for you. Learn your lesson and don’t look back.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I just started dating two guys. One of them, Jeff, I met on a dating site. He used to be dependable with calling me and showing up. I know he has a busy work schedule but he has a habit lately of saying he will call and not calling. He also has said he will show up and has stood me up a few times.

The second guy, Richard, I met where I work. He has my phone number but will not give me his number. He does call me but if I miss his call, I can't call him because I don't have his phone number. My question is: Should I move on and find guys who will be more dependable and call me when they say they will? Should I try making it work with both or either of these guys?  Alexis

Dear Alexis,

Obviously, the answer is: Hell no! Being stood up is a deal breaker. There is absolutely no excuse for that type of behavior. Why would you want to be with someone who doesn’t have the decency to at least cancel if they are not going to show up? Two cornerstones of great relationships are respect and trust. Jeff’s actions show he can’t be trusted and has no respect for you.

As for our dear friend Richard, he’s either married, living with someone, or has a girlfriend. Why would you want to deal with someone who won’t give you their number? I met a guy once who wanted to hang out. When I asked for his number, he said he’d give me his email. I said: Email? What’s that all about? That’s when he admitted that he was living with someone, but he wasn’t happy. I immediately put an end to something that would have led to a dead end.

Everyone who read your email knew the answer to your questions. I understand that when you are in the situation, it’s harder to be objective. So, the question to ask yourself in the future would be: Would I advise my best friend to date these guys? My daughter? My sister? It’s often easier if we temporarily take ourselves out of the equation.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I have been seeing this guy who has been married/divorced twice, that does a lot of weird things. I am 33 and he is 39. He has asked me out on a date 2 times and the first time called and cancelled because he was sick.

The second time he never even called to cancel, show up, or answer my phone calls to find out what happened.  He has this routine of calling me 2-3 days after he stands me up and apologizes because he said he was tired.  He says he is nervous around me because he likes me. 

When I am with him, we are always drinking and he constantly showers me with compliments on how sexy, smart, beautiful, and fun that I am.  He's already said he is going to make me his third wife and that he wants me to give him a son.

I screwed up and called him wasted last night and told him off--called him a jerk and asked him what his problem is.   I am really attracted to him.  He is extremely hot, has a great personality and is a lot of fun when I am around him. Why is he acting like this?  What is up with this guy?  Carly



Dear Carly,

At first I thought this email was a joke.  I wondered if anyone could really be that blind and unfortunately, the answer is…yes!

What is up with this guy?  No, the question is:  What is up with you?  What happened to you, that you think so little of yourself that you are willing to put up with someone who constantly stands you up?   I don’t know what your idea of fun is, but dating someone who has so little respect for me is not my idea of fun. I can understand a girl in her early 20s disregarding all the red flags just because the guy is “extremely hot”, but by your early 30s, you really should know better.

Telling him off was the only right thing you’ve done, and yet you’re afraid you screwed up.  You’ve got everything backwards.

Your interest in him is so high that you can’t see that he’s not that into you, otherwise he wouldn’t ghost you and then pop up a few days later with a bs excuse of being tired.  Every time you accept his excuse and see him again, his interest in you goes down even further. 

Also, how the heck is he going to make you his 3rd wife (wow, what an honor), if he can't even keep a date.  He's playing you and you're buying it hook, line and sinker.

Keep it moving.  There’s nothing to see here.