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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I'm 24 and have been going with a 36 year old married man for several years. When we first went out he didn't tell me he was married and had kids. I learned from somebody else way after and I was already in love with him.

I just learned that he lied to me and that he does sleep with his wife and it hurts like HELL. I thought I was the only one. I can't trust him anymore and I'm ruining our relationship by always asking him where he was, if he was with her, if he slept with her, etc.  I told him to separate (not divorce) from her or else it was finished. He said that he can see himself with me in the future but can't promise me anything, that right now is not good timing ‘cause I am still in school, it will crush his kids, etc. 

After lots of crying and fighting, I told him it would be too hard for me to stop seeing him and that we'll still see each other but that I will start dating other people. He said that's fine, that the most important thing is my health and that I don't suffer.  I should also mention that he opened up my eyes to many business opportunities. We share an eagerness to make money to the point where it is a part of what is keeping me with him.

I know it is going to be very tough but I want to know if I am making the right decision. Crushed

Hi Crushed,

How nice of him to be concerned for your physical health.   Too bad he isn’t as concerned for your mental and emotional health as well. The top 2 lies married men tell the women they are cheating with are: 1) My wife and I don’t have sex and 2) I would leave if we didn’t have kids.

It’s interesting that you were more upset to find out he was sleeping with his wife than the fact that he was married at all! You said you were already in love with him by then. So? Being “in love” doesn’t give you a license to ignore the fact that he is a liar and a cheater and who knows what else.

You aren’t ruining the relationship by asking questions because there is an inherent flaw in the relationship to begin with – he belongs to someone else.

Your decision to date others is only partly right. You also have to cease all contact with him. It will probably be the hardest thing you’ve done in your 24 years but it’s essential that you do it. You can see what you’re getting by being with him – affection, sex, compliments, gifts, business advice, a pseudo boyfriend, etc., but you can’t see what you’re giving up.

You are giving up something you that you can never get back and that is the time you are wasting with someone who, even if he did eventually leave his family, you would never be able to trust. Do you want to build a life with someone you can’t trust? If he’s cheating on his current wife, what makes you think things would be any different with you?

You can always make more money, but you can never make more time. If you look at it from that perspective, it should be it easier to walk away and look for a real boyfriend.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I am engaged to a guy that I have been involved with for six years. I broke it off with him in August because he cheated on me. Three months later we decided to give it another shot, with the agreement that cheating won’t be tolerated. I have caught him asking women out for dinner but he always has some stupid excuse.

Today I checked his email, which I know is wrong. I tried to talk to him and he kept getting mad at me, telling me he loved me and he is not going anywhere. I found an email to a woman, making plans to meet.

I blew up at him on the phone. I have had enough but truly don't know how to walk away. He throws in my face how he buys me things and treats me so good. My response was "That doesn't give you the right to do this and this was our agreement".

How do I walk away? Paula

Hi Paula,

Actions speak louder than words. You “said” cheating would not be tolerated, but when you caught him yet again, instead of walking away (action) you got angry at him. Getting upset but not leaving with him tells him you’re willing to stay there and put up with it.

You’re right – buying you things doesn’t give him the right to be unfaithful. I don’t know what his definition of “treating you good” is, but for most people, it doesn’t include infidelity.

The fact that you are checking his email and unable to walk away after he has shown you time and time again who he is, tells me you will probably need to speak to a therapist, in order to help you understand why you are willing to put up with this type of behavior.

There's nothing I can tell you that will give you the self-respect you currently don't have.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I have been dating a guy for 4 months now. He got out of a 5-year relationship a little over a year ago. He says he loved her and she walked out on him. I know if she knocked on his door today, he would probably go back.

What I would like would be if he could get past these feelings for the "ex" and focus on me...even for a little while. Maybe 'try' to forget. I now have developed feelings for him. Feelings I have never felt with anyone else. I have such an attraction for him. We have a wonderful relationship in the bedroom.

He says he can’t make any commitment to me because of these feelings he still has for his 'ex' and that I am much more than a 'friend with benefits'. He beats himself up about still having these feelings and not being able to move on. I have broken down in tears and expressed how I felt about him. He says he really likes me but doesn't want to hurt me.

He has pulled back from me a bit and says he wants to take it slow. It drives me crazy not seeing him like I used to. Everyday I ask myself what should I do. Do I walk away from someone I care deeply about and hurt terribly, or stay with him and maybe get hurt any way. What do you think is going on in that head of his? Does it really take a man that long to get over a relationship? Danae

Hi Danae,

Why is it that every week I seem to be getting the same email? A woman meets a guy, sees the red flags, jumps in anyway and then wants to know how she can change him. So, I will answer yet again, and hopefully some readers will have an epiphany and approach dating differently.

When you first start to date someone, if you’re looking for a committed relationship, one of the first things you have to find out is if there is someone in their past they still haven’t gotten over. If there is, you can certainly be friends, but having sex with someone who isn’t emotionally available is generally not a good idea if you’re thinking long term. How long will it take him to get over her? Who knows? Some people never get over a past love.

You said he considers this more than a frieands with benefits, but you didn’t mention exclusivity, therefore, you are free to date other men, and I highly recommend you do. Otherwise, your current situation is usually the end result – you develop feelings for someone, ask for more than they’re ready to give and they back off. By having several men to date, you won’t become obsessed with any one man.

You continue to date 2-3 men (though not necessarily sleep with them) until one of them brings up the subject of exclusivity. Then it’s up to you to decide whether you too want to be exclusive or continue dating.

Now, doesn’t that sound a lot more empowering than pining your hopes on one guy who may or may not want a relationship with you?

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

My boyfriend is impotent. That's okay with me as I'm not really into sex anyway.

The thing is, he always wants to spend the night but I don't like sleeping with him. He snores, tosses, talks in his sleep and sometimes punches me in the back when he's dreaming. Why does he so much want to spend the night when there is no sex involved? Joan

Hi Joan,

Believe it or not, it’s not always about sex! At times, it’s just about companionship. He wants to replace the intimacy that sex brings by sleeping together – literally! However, it’s not just about what he wants, it’s also about what you want. It’s supposed to be a two way street.  This is where you will need to compromise.

Let him know how his sleeping affects you (if you already haven’t) and see what can be done about it. I don’t know how often he sleeps over, but you may have to cut it down to something acceptable to you, like once or twice a week.  The other option is to sleep in another bedroom (if you have one) or on the sofa.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I met a guy 5 months ago. I realized he was a player and I continued to play his game. I made a little mistake and we didn't talk for a while. After 2 months we picked up where we left off like nothing has happened (we didn't even mention it).

This time, we just hang out but he wants to get to know me. I'm wondering what he is doing. Even though I like him, I don't know if I should continue to see him. He doesn't want to commit as far as I know but he also doesn't want another hook up with me. I honestly don't know what he wants. Should I keep seeing him? Elle

Hi Elle,

Like a lot of women, you’re focused on what the guy wants, instead of what you want. Do you just want to hang out and see what happens or do you want a monogamous, committed relationship? Since you were willing to “play his game”, it sounds like you’re not really interested in a commitment. If that’s the case, that’s fine. You can’t make yourself be in a committed relationship if you’re not ready or haven’t found the right person.

On the other hand, if you are tired of playing games and you're ready to be exclusive with someone, then he may or may not be the right guy. I like the fact that he wants to get to know you and isn’t just trying to hook up with you.

You may have started off on the wrong foot, but it's possible that this may work out. Take it slow, don’t try to force anything and do continue to date other guys until you're in a committed relationship.