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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I have been suffering so much lately and I am not sure what to do. I haven't been sleeping or eating and I feel really overwhelmed by my own fears. My last relationship lasted seven years.  After two kids and the best years of my life gone, he decided to hook up with my ex best friend (who was supposed to be gay, can you imagine that).

Now the relationship I am in I feel very happy and satisfied. I am now dating someone who has his life together, a really good job and treats me well. I am very happy and satisfied. It's like a dream come true, or so you would think.

When he is gone, I am plagued with nightmares and anxiety attacks. I just can't get over the fact that after I fell in love the first time, gave my all and after all those years someone left me.

Now I am in the situation again where once again someone has become very close to me and although he has no intentions whatsoever of leaving me or anything (I mean, we don't even really argue) I am terrified that each time he goes I'm never going to see him again.

This is really starting to intrude on my happiness. I think this is a trust issue and a letting go of the past issue. I'm getting worn out from my nerves being so frazzled all the time and I am mad at myself because I just can't seem to let my guard down enough to feel secure with this man and also even more mad at my ex that he screwed me up this way. What do you suggest with this mental nightmare I am in? Amber

Dear Amber,

It sounds like you have what I call, “P.T.D.D.” – Post Traumatic Dating Disorder. You went through a very difficult and traumatic experience, and that has now become the filter through which you look at relationships.

As long as you are blaming your ex for how you feel, you cannot move past it and heal.  You have to accept responsibility for your reaction. We can’t always help what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it.

It sounds like you’re in a good relationship; however, your walls, fears and anxieties will eventually drive this man away if you don’t deal with them. I suggest you go in for some short term, cognitive therapy.

There are no guarantees in love. You gave it your all and it didn’t work out. Instead of staying stuck in the past and not enjoying the present, think about what you would have done differently, given what you now know. Look back, learn and let go.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I've been dating a guy for a few months.  Things have been really good.  He always wanted to meet me in my spare time. Then suddenly he stopped calling me. I didn’t call him on the 1st day but on the 2nd day we had to link up. I called him a few times, but he didn’t answer. I sent him a text and. he replied, "We should move on. I am sorry. I have my reasons, forgive me"

I didn’t respond. After 2 days he texted me asking if I was ok and why I stopped calling/texting him. I replied "I am not happy with you not because you broke up with me via text and you never mentioned if you wanted us to remain friends." He responded "That text wasn’t meant for you, I can explain" and he made me believe that the text was for his ex who is after him.

Since then things haven’t been the same. He doesn’t call or text me as he used to. When I mention this, he blames me for not calling/texting. I was tired of this and I texted him saying that I wanna move on with my life if he is not sure what he wants. He replied, “I know what I want baby and that’s you. I will give you a call tomorrow.”

I haven’t heard from him.  What should I do?  Is he playing a game?  Shall I move on with my life? Jasmine

Hi Jasmine,

Ah, yes. The old, “That text wasn’t meant for you”.  I’ve heard that one before.  Interesting how he happened to send you a text “by mistake” right after you texted him! Even if it were true that it wasn’t for you (which I highly doubt), his actions afterwards betray his words.

Why do people assume the other person is playing a game when it’s obvious that they have lost interest?  You ask, “What should I do?” Well, I think you’ve already done enough. Dating is like a dance. One step forward, one step back. Instead, every time you initiated contact or sent text after text before waiting to hear from him, you kept taking steps forward. In the end, you ran him over.

I’m not saying he doesn’t have any responsibility in this, but we can’t control others’ behavior, only our own. You are trying too hard, doing too much of the heavy lifting. If a guy is interested, he will eventually call/text again. It may take him longer than most women would like, but he will do it.

The key is to be patient and get on with your life in the meantime. Sitting around obsessing over someone and trying to hunt them down via phone/text is a dead end road.

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Written by: Lucia

At some point, the person you're dating or in a relationship with, will do or say something that is out of line. How you react to those situations will determine if they will gain respect for you or whether they will start to see you as a doormat and begin to misbehave even more.

Here are some answers that will immediately let the other person know you won’t put up with their nonsense. I suggest you become very familiar with them, so you’ll be ready to respond when the situation calls for it.

1. Now was that called for – A 21 year old said this on me when I was 27 and I was blown away that such a young guy was being a lot more mature than I was at the time. I realized he was someone that had his act together, and I wouldn’t be able to get away with anything. It made me immediately respect him and I’ve never forgotten him.

2. Don’t start - I once said this to a guy who barely knew me. He was starting to get upset with me because I was 5 minutes late. Some people may have been tempted to appease him, but I felt his reaction was totally out of line. I did apologize for being late but I didn’t think he needed to make such a big deal out of it.

3. Such ugly words from such a handsome man/beautiful girl - This is a great one because at the same time as you are calling someone out on something they said, you’re also giving them a compliment. Keep this one handy and use it often.

4. You can think that, if it makes you feel better - I remember saying this to an ex boyfriend who was jealous of a male friend and he said to me, “He just wants to sleep with you”.  When I came back with this zinger, he was speechless. This is another good, all around line to be used anytime, anywhere.

5. I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that - This should only be used for minor infractions, especially if the person has a history of saying “I was just kidding.” Your next response is, “I wasn’t”. Definitely don’t use this one if the person just told you they slept with someone else!

6. I'm not going to believe that you (fill in the blank). I know you’re better than that - This line was also used on me and it stopped me dead in my tracks. This is a sneaky one. If you disagree with whatever the person was not going to believe about you – that you would lie, cheat, steal, etc., then you’re saying that you’re not better than that. No one wants to look bad, especially in front of someone they want to impress, so you’re obligated to show them that indeed, you are better than that.

7. If this is who you are, I don’t think it’s going to work out between us - This should only be used for major infractions. These could be big lies, cheating, accusing you of cheating for no apparent reason, driving drunk, stealing, etc. If, for some reason, you don’t want to break up with the person and are willing to give them one more chance, this is a way of doing it without actually telling them you’re giving them another chance. They’ll either a) step up to the plate, apologize and never do it again b) promise not to do it again, knowing that if they do, you’re out of there or c) know you’re not going to put up with their tawdry behavior and move on to the next victim. Either way, you win!

8. That’s not acceptable - This can and should be used often. It lets the person know you have boundaries and are not going to be walked on. I remember one guy I was dating disappeared for the weekend and didn’t return my calls. When I asked why, he said, “I don’t know…” This would have been a perfect time to use this line, but instead, being young and naive, I said, “Okay. Well, don’t do it again.” Ugh! A few weeks later he broke up with me.

9. How are you going to make it up to me - This is a great line to use if you just started seeing someone and they call at the last minute to cancel a date. You of course want to be understanding but you don't want them to think they can do this anytime and get away with it.

10. Silence - It’s been said that well-timed silence has more eloquence than speech. If someone tells an off color joke or says something totally ridiculous, a silent glare from you will let them know you’re not amused.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I am a girl and yes, I was dating a girl. She was amazing and I loved her so much. She left me for my ex friend and I'm hurt. She says she still loves me but it doesn't seem like she wants me back. And I need her! I want to do everything to get her back!! I'm lost without her. My heart is so broken.

Every time I'm with someone else, I always see her. All I think about is her. It hurts so much. The girl she’s with now isn't right for her! I know she’s not. I want to find a way to break them up. I know that’s mean but I need her more than ever. And they've only been dating a week. Lost without her

Dear Lost,

Please tell me you’re under 21! I’m going to assume you are. Your email has the typical attitude of someone your age (or maturity level).

It’s only been a week. I’d like to tell you to calm down, but I know melodrama is part of being young. Your body is awash in hormones and chemicals that make you think this girl is the only one for you, and you can’t live without her. You may believe that with all your (broken) heart, but it’s not true! You’ve put her on a pedestal; she has become your “Goddess”, you’re bowing to her, and…you’re miserable.

If she is with someone else at the moment, there is nothing you can do. Maybe she’ll be back, and maybe she won’t. What’s important is for you to know that you can and will live without her. This experience will make you stronger and more mature.

This may not be the answer you want to hear, but it’s the answer you need to hear!

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I have been dating a guy for several months, who informed me that he has many female friends; I asked if he is intimate with them and he said no, only me. I am not a jealous person and don't have a problem with friends, male or female.  

He was out of town and asked that I stay at his place to baby sit his dog. The first night I was looking through his cabinets for something and found a card. I read it and it was very disturbing.

It was a Valentine’s card from a girl about a passionate evening they spent together on Nov 6. It said "a night I will always treasure, I am captivated with the man I have become so fond of.  You gave me something every girl would dream of, an evening as a princess…I fantasize about you, long for you to make love to me in the morning...”  This girl poured her heart out. The card is heartbreaking for me because he treats me the same way. 

I have not said anything about the card yet.  I asked him who Dana is (signature on the card).  He asked how I know about her. I told him it doesn't matter.  He said it is an old girlfriend from 2 1/2 years ago. He broke off the relationship because he wasn't in love.  He said she was devastated but has had many boyfriends since.  She still has strong feelings for him and he is staying in contact with her, even though it is infrequent.

I told him that I believe he may be a player and is using me; that I don't want to be on anyone's list and I am no longer sleeping with him.  He swears he has not slept with anyone since he has slept with me.  He said he couldn't believe I would say this about him.

I am confused with this relationship.  I haven't told him how deeply I feel for him because I feel like it will only feed his ego.  He says he doesn't feel the same way about his other female companions as he does about me. Am I possessive because I question myself why he would want to spend time with other women instead of me?

Part of me doesn't care if I discuss anything and just say screw it and walk away.   Yet it is very upsetting to think that he has been so passionate and intimate with someone else.  He has always been very nice to me, and appeared respectful.  I believed him.  Alexis

Hi Alexis,

The fact that she was referencing a night in November tells me that that is probably the last time they slept together. Otherwise, if they had been together recently, why would she be talking about an incident in the past? Also, it’s actually a good sign that the card was a Valentine’s Day card. She was sending it for a specific occasion, as opposed to just sending it out of the blue.

Friends are important. Some people just get along better with members of the opposite sex. I have a lot of male friends, but I’m not sleeping with any of them. He shouldn’t stop seeing his friends just because you’re now in the picture. Have you met any of them? Has he mentioned introducing you to them? Does he say that he was talking about you to his friends? These are all positive signs.

At this point, it’s difficult to tell if he’s a player and/or if he’s sleeping with any of his friends. Was the agreement that you two would be sexually exclusive? If you don’t want to sleep with him at the moment, that’s fine. If he is still interested in seeing you and treats you the same as when you were sleeping together, that is a good sign.

If you decide to start sleeping with him again, ask for sexual exclusivity. If he agrees, then you need to trust him until he proves he can’t be trusted. Otherwise, you will end up losing him not to someone else, but by your own hand.