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- Written by: Administrator
Dear Lucia,
My bf says he loves me, but sometimes I'm not sure how true it is. He talks to all these different girls on Facebook, and their pictures aren't exactly something I like him looking at. It's not my place to tell him who he can and can't talk to, but I think he's flirting with these other girls.
He joined groups like "fun with sex," "single and looking," "guys and girls". His relationship status still says single. Am I taking things the wrong way? Kate
Dear Kate,
I must say, your letter blew me away. At first I thought it might be a joke. After all, can someone really be in that much denial? Unfortunately, the answer is: YES!
Your email was titled: Desperate to save the love. Excuse me? What love are you talking about? You may think you love him, but love is the last thing on his mind. Oh, I know, I know. He said he loved you. Okay, I'm saying I have a million dollars in the bank. Guess what? We're both lying. Guys know that as long as they talk a good game, they can usually get away with murder (criminal defense attorneys know this too). Remember: Actions speak louder than words. Close your ears and open your eyes.
The icing on the cake was when you said: Am I taking things the wrong way? Aaarrghhh!!!!! Unfortunately, this is the typical female response when they don't want to let go of a guy they know is not good for them. They blame themselves, because they know that if they actually acknowledged that their partner was wrong, they would no longer have an excuse for staying in a bad situation.
If you need proof that he's not being faithful, why don't you put up a fake profile and find out what he's been posting in the groups he belongs too? Send him an email telling him you think he's hot and you want to meet him. Don't be too surprised if he falls for the bait.
I hope you've come to the realization that you need to bail. There is nothing for you here. One of the wisest decisions you'll ever make will be to cut your losses and move on. One of the dumbest decisions you'll ever make will be to stay. The choice is up to you. I hope you make the right one.
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- Written by: Administrator
Hi Lucia,
I know I made a stupid mistake but what shall I do? I totally screwed up.
I went out twice with a guy and we French kissed. He's busy always traveling and he didn't call or text. When I called him a week later, I said stupid stuff like "Even the president has time to call..." so he told me "I'm not relationship kind of guy". He also said his ex-girlfriend sometimes go to his place water the plants when he's away.
I want to see him again, without any strings attached - how do I do it? Do I need to wait 3 months to see him again? Dorothy K.
Hi Dorothy,
3 months? Why would you need to wait 3 months? Is there a 3 month rule I don't know about? We'll get to that later.
First of all, I'm glad you realized you made a mistake. I'm of course referring to calling him and then on top of that making that president comment. Anyone that has been following me for a while will remember my "10 Things You Should Never Say to a Guy" list. One of the 10 is: Why didn't you call? Now you see why asking that question never works. The answer is always: Because he didn't want to. What you're really asking is: Why didn't you want to call? It's too soon to be wondering that. All you've done is lock lips. Don't fall into that silly female habit of trying to move things along, because it rarely works. When you prematurely try to take one step forward, the guy will instead take one step back.
This is what he did when he told you he wasn't a relationship kind of guy. What he means is: He doesn't want to have a relationship with YOU! If he wasn't a "relationship guy" how does he explain having an ex-girlfriend? He's trying to put the brakes on because at the moment he hardly knows you, and he certainly doesn't need some girl calling him up to find out why he didn't call.
Finally, you say you want to see him again with no strings attached. I say you want to see him again and pretend there are no strings attached. You and I both know you want more. But okay, I'll play along. Since he felt forced to make that "no relationship" statement, you've now painted yourself into a corner. What to do? Well, I would say wait for a month and see if he calls you again. If he does, don't mention getting together. If he asks you out, don't say yes right away. Tell him you'll need to get back to him. This is your way of taking one step back. (Incase you hadn't noticed, dating is a lot like "Simon Says"). When you do go out, you need to casually slip into the conversation that you're just looking for a casual relationship (not necessarily with him, but in general). See how he reacts to that and go from there.
If, however, you don't hear from him in a month, call and leave a message saying hello (since no one seems to answer their phone anymore). If he's interested, he'll call back at some point, though it may not be right away. If he answers, do the same thing, keep the conversation light and get off the phone in 5 minutes. Don't ask him to get together. He needs to ask you out if he's interested, otherwise, you'll be taking one step forward again, while he's still two steps back. Understand?
Now, go forth and do not ever again commit the sin of asking: Why didn't you call?
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- Written by: Administrator
Hi Lucia,
I was in a three year relationship and had plans to move in. From one moment to another my boyfriend's feelings changed. He claims to be confused. He tells me he loves me but isn't in love with me. He was the one to ask me to move in; he brought up children and marriage.
I know he has been badly influenced by his friends, who are all single. I feel like I got the short end of the stick. Should I assume there was someone else or that he was afraid of commitment? Should I let things go or work to make him understand? Broken-Hearted
Dear Broken-Hearted,
When someone says "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" what they really mean is, "I don't want to have sex with you anymore." People say this when they want to end a relationship, but don't know what to say. It sounds innocent enough, because, after all, they're still saying they love you. The statement makes it seem as if something suddenly came over him and he's not in love any more. His feelings did not change from one moment to the next. He's been feeling this way for a while, but either managed to hide it or you chose to overlook the red flags.
Even if he was influenced by his friends, do you really want to be in a relationship with a man whose friends have a say in your life together? You may think you "got the short end of the stick" but frankly, if you're a religious person, you should get on your knees and thank God for saving you from many years of misery.
Who cares what the reason was? The bottom line is that he no longer wants to be with you and you cannot make him do anything. He understands what he needs to understand and that is, that he no longer wants to be with you. He's not confused. Sorry to sound so harsh, but it's better to face the truth now and move on with your life than to waste years and eventually look back in regret. Good luck.
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- Written by: Administrator
Dear Lucia,
I need to be more alluring...more mysterious. I'm very friendly and funny, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'd like to keep that part of my personality, but I want guys to think I'm a bit mysterious too. What are some things I could do to appear that way? Monique K.
Dear Monique,
Thank you for your question. I think this is something that needs to be addressed. Woman today are letting it "all hang out" – in more ways than one. I've noticed that European women in general are able to be more alluring than American women, so I have to believe it's a cultural thing. I've noticed this difference during the interviews on TV talk shows.
American women talk about anything and everything and are all over the place with their gestures and conversation. Europeans, on the other hand, are usually more reserved and mysterious. I remember Jay Leno telling Sophia Loren on "The Tonight Show" that many women had walked onto that stage, but hers was the classiest entrance.
Being mysterious is about not saying everything that's on your mind. Most guys already think most women talk too much, so cutting back will immediately set you apart from the crowd. Don't always let your whereabouts be known and don't ask too many questions about things that are inconsequential. Don't always return calls right away and don't ask questions such as: Where were you? Why didn't you call sooner? When can we get together again? Most women can't do this, but those that do, come across as confident and alluring and yes, mysterious.
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- Written by: Lucia
Dear Lucia,
I'm sleeping with this guy who I originally got involved with because I knew he was not the type to commit to one girl. I just wanted sex with no strings attached. Now we're hanging out, cuddling and spending the night together. He's the one initiating all of this and I'm starting to like him. I think he feels the same way, but it's so hard to read through the game and I know the game because I've done it too.
Should I break it off before I end up having feelings for him and getting hurt? Or, should I keep doing what we're doing and see if his actions are really sincere? Lost in L.A.
Dear Lost,
Women are supposed to bond with the men they have sex with. Nature made it this way in order to ensure the woman would stay with the man long enough to procreate. In this era of booty calls, friends with benefits and sex with no strings attached, women are learning the hard way that it's not always possible to keep casual sex, well, casual.
Dr. Patricia Allen, in her book "Getting to I Do", says that casual sex in a normal woman triggers a bonding that verges on physical addiction. She continues, "This is due to a sexually stimulated hormone called oxytocin...which triggers orgasm. Soon the sound of his voice, the look on his face, the touch of his hands...become intensely associated with the addictive pleasure that oxytocin brings, and keeps "her" bonded to "him". In other words, oxytocin (not to be confused with the drug oxycotin) makes you feel good about the person who causes the hormone to be released. I guess this would account for some women's bad choice of partners.
You ask if you should break it off before you end up having feelings for him. I hate to tell you, but you already have feelings for him. There are two ways of dealing with this situation – directly or indirectly.
If you choose the former, then you need to find out how he feels about you. I would ask him when you are "hanging out and cuddling". If he says he wants to keep things as they are, then you need to decide if you can live with that. Sure he may not be telling the truth or he may change his mind, but how much time, energy and emotion do you want to waste to find out?
If you choose the latter, then he should not sleep over anymore. Sleeping over can ruin a perfectly good booty call. This privilege should only be reserved for boyfriends. Also, you need to start dating (though not necessarily sleeping with) other guys and make sure he knows it. If he does have feelings for you, he won't want you to date others and will step up to the plate.
You can lie to him about what type of relationship you want, but please don't lie to yourself. Most guys will say they don't want to commit to one girl, until they find that one girl they do want to commit to. Once you're on the booty call list, it's not easy to get off (so to speak).
Is it possible for some women to keep things casual when it comes to sex? Absolutely, but they are generally the exception that proves the rule. Make sure you know which category you belong in before you decide to go against nature.
