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- Written by: Administrator
Have you ever started to date someone, begun to have feelings for them and then found out that they still hadn't gotten over their ex? Few things in the dating world are more annoying than the "ex-factor". If someone is not over their ex, no matter how hot, sexy, intelligent and sweet you are, it won't matter, because they are not in a position to appreciate it at the moment. They are living in the past. You are competing with someone they have a history with, who knows them a lot better than you do and who they share a lot of good memories with.
How do you know if someone isn't over their ex?
There are two main clues. The first is if they're always mentioning the other person, when there is clearly no reason for it. The second is if they even refuse to discuss the ex. So what can you do?
Practice what I call the, "Lose 'em to keep 'em" move.
Sit your sweetie down and say, "I like you and enjoy being with you, but it doesn't seem as if you're over your ex. I understand, however, it's not fair to either one of us and I can't continue to see you under these circumstances. I don't want to be in a rebound relationship. You need to go and do whatever you need to, in order to figure out what you want."
This will probably surprise them and they may even deny still being into the ex, but don't fall for it. No matter how much they beg and plead, stand by your statement. If they ask whether you are going to be dating others, the answer is, "Yes!".
Don't worry that if they get back with their ex it will be over forever with you.
I once started dating someone that had just gotten out of a relationship. When the ex found out, suddenly she wanted him back. He saw both of us for a while, although she thought he had broken it off with me. One night he had to leave to go pick her up. I was not happy about that and told him so. His response was, "Too bad."
I broke up with him that night. They were together for another year but in the meantime he kept in touch with me. When he caught her cheating, he immediately broke it off and came running back to me. I took my time taking him back and from that moment on I always had the upper hand in what turned out to be a five year relationship. Eventually he asked me to marry him but I turned him down. I truly believe that if I hadn't broken up with him and had instead put up with him seeing me on the side, the relationship would have ended for good within a short time and he wouldn't have come back.
The ex is an ex for a reason - something obviously wasn't working. More often than not, if they do get back together, eventually they'll fall into the same patterns and before you know it, they'll start having problems again. You need to give them an opportunity to see that it's not going to work, so that they can stop idealizing the relationship in their minds. It will probably happen sooner rather than later if you're not around to distract them.
When they finally have closure, they will be able to move on and give you their full attention.
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- Written by: Administrator
Why is the title of this article "How to Make Him Commit?"
In general, women are only too happy to commit and therein lies the problem. They usually want to move the relationship along faster than men do, whether it's from casual dating to a monogamous relationship to living together to getting married. They try to convince the man by ineffective methods such as repeatedly talking about it, nagging, whining, threatening, issuing ultimatums, begging, crying and arguing.
Would that type of behavior make you want to commit?
What if I told you there was an easier way to achieve your goal?
According to the book, Love Tactics, "It's very possible that a person is growing to love you but is not yet consciously aware of it."
So how can you help your guy get in touch with his subconscious feelings? What I'm about to tell you will go against every fiber in your being, every bone in your body, but it is, I believe, what usually works best when you want to move a relationship to the next level.
It is two simple words: Go away. Yes, that's right, go away.
I'd always heard that men fall in love "in the spaces", that is, when we're not around. Unlike women, who are usually quite aware of their feelings for someone, men usually get in touch with their feelings when they realize they miss their woman. If women are always there complaining and begging for a commitment, they miss out on giving their man the gift of missing them.
I was recently listening to a radio show where a young man in his early 20's called in. Since I was taping the show at the time, I have his words verbatim: She would ignore me and I'd want her more. I would ignore her and she'd want me more. We'd both make each other jealous and then have great sex later. I guess she played me for so long and I played her for so long I'm actually starting to sadly have feelings...Now she's back home for the summer for a month and for once I don't feel like hooking up with anyone else. So I go hook up with another girl, what's that gonna do for me?
So here's this young man who is faced with the situation of not seeing his girl for a month and he realizes he has feelings for her. She didn't need to do anything, except live her life and go home for a month.
A similar situation happened to me. I was living in Italy with my boyfriend of 5 years when I decided I wanted to check out Los Angeles and see if I wanted to live here. The one time the "m" word had ever come up, he'd said rather smugly, "I'm never going to marry you".
In typical Lucia fashion, I answered, "I don't care." I had been in L.A. for about a month when he called an asked me to marry him. He'd realized I was the one for him, he didn't need to keep looking and he was willing to wait as long as it took. I had never discussed marriage with him, never had "the talk". I just did my thing and when I wasn't around, my absence forced him to face his true feelings for me.
These examples are generally the rule, not the exception.
My girlfriend Pam had been dating Mark for 5 years. They were non-exclusive because whenever one of them wanted a commitment, the other one didn't and vice versa. At the time, Pam was working in Austin and Mark was in L.A.
During one of her visits, Pam found an empty condom wrapper at Mark's place. She knew he was seeing other people, but she realized she was no longer okay with that and she was ready for a commitment. When she tried to discuss it with Mark, his response was to yell, "I'M NOT READY!" She went back to Texas, changed her number and mentally prepared to move on. When Mark tried to contact her and couldn't reach her, he was hit with the realization that she was serious about a commitment.
He had lunch with several married friends, who convinced him he'd messed up. He missed Pam and didn't have much interest in any of the other women he was seeing. This prompted him to track Pam down and fly out to Austin. While he wasn't yet ready for marriage, he was ready to take the next step and move in together. Two years later he proposed and I was a bridesmaid at a beautiful wedding overlooking a cliff in Malibu. Mark says his only regret is that he didn't do it sooner!
My last example involves Stacey, who had been living with her boyfriend Jim for over 3 years and was ready to get married. When she had brought up the subject in the past, Jim didn't think it was time. He felt that things were going well, so why change? Stacey had just turned 30 and was tired of calling him her boyfriend.
When she went to visit a girlfriend out of town for a week, she was a bit envious that her single friend was able to do what she wanted, whereas, she felt she was stuck in limbo - she couldn't date yet she wasn't married. She never called Jim while she was out of town and when he called her, he noticed she sounded different and asked if anything was wrong.
A month after she went back home, Jim proposed. The reason he waited that long was because he wanted it to be special and had to do some planning. When I asked him what finally prompted him to pop the question, he said that when Stacey was gone he noticed what was missing from his life and wanted to move to the next step.
I want to point out that in each situation, there was no intentional manipulation involved. The women were thinking about themselves and what they wanted. They were tired of waiting and were ready to move on, with or without their man. I don't recommend following any of the examples I've given unless you are being true to yourself. If you really are ready to move on, then do it. However, don't do it if you think it will make the guy come running after you or make him finally propose, because if he doesn't and you go back with him, you've lost all credibility.
To quote Sugar Ray, "When it's over, that's the time I fall in love again".
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- Written by: Administrator
Do you believe that by putting a man's needs first, doing what he wants and taking care of him, he will fall in love? It actually has the opposite effect.
You may be great in bed, hotter than Jennifer Lopez, kind, sweet, generous and supportive, yet he will still not want to make a commitment if you never say a certain word.
That certain word is "No."
Why does this make a woman attractive? As usual, it's all about biology.
We're all subconsciously looking for someone who will ensure our survival. A woman who can say "No" to what she doesn't want, shows that she is strong, and therefore, a better bet to help him "survive" in the modern jungle.
This means that your wants and needs are just as important as his. You say "No" to what doesn't feel right to you, to what you don't want, and ask for what you do want.
Otherwise, if you can't say "No" to what you don't want and are willing to put up with a man's bad behavior, how will he know that you will be able to say "No" to other men; how will you be able to be strong enough to protect his children or take care of business when he's not around?
The instinctual part of his brain will tell him you are not a safe woman to be with for the long term, so he will never be able to take you seriously.
This is why having sex too soon is rarely a good idea.
Most women aren't ready to have sex on the first date or even the third date. Yet they feel the pressure to do so, and by giving in, they are saying "Yes" to what he wants instead of "No".
Men are programmed to want to have sex with women as soon as possible. However, by making him wait, you are forcing him to get out of his genitals and into his brain and his heart. When you first meet, if he knows that he will not be having sex with you anytime soon yet he continues to want to see you, it's because he is willing to wait and get to know you. It's because you said "No".
By always giving in and saying yes, you become a doormat. He knows he can walk all over you and he will soon lose respect for you. He may stick around and use you, but he will never fall in love with you.
Yet, by not always giving in to what a man wants, when it isn't what you want, you force him to think about whether he likes you enough to continue to see you, even if he doesn't always get what he wants.
A friend of mine recently announced his engagement to a woman he's dated for about a year. When I asked him why he chose to marry her and not his previous girlfriend, who he had been with for almost four years, he said it was because she didn't let him get away with bad behavior. He knew if he didn't change, she'd be out of there.
She said "No" to being mistreated.
This isn't a license to be a bitch. You can say "No" without sounding like a 2 year old brat. Try something like: No, that's not what I want. No, I don't feel comfortable doing that. No, I don't want to (fill in the blank).
Men always say confidence is a very attractive quality. By saying "No" to the things you don't want, you show that you have the confidence to take your needs seriously. Men will respond to this confidence by wanting to be with you and that is the power of "No".
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- Written by: Nick Bastion
Is your man emotionally withdrawn, distant and even more guarded than usual? OK, so you find yourself in this unfortunate situation. How do you fix it?
First, before getting into what you need to do in order to try and make him less distant I want to bring up one important point: he might not necessarily be emotionally distant. Men and women are different in how they express emotions.
What you consider emotionally distant might just be him relaxing—this is just an example—what I am trying to illustrate is he could be doing something totally normal that you interpret as “him being distant” or “him losing interest.”
That’s why it’s important to know a few characteristics of what it looks like when he’s becoming emotionally distant:
• He doesn’t discuss sensitive topics at all and he used to
• He’s talkative with other people and not you
• He’s very quiet and in the past he was very talkative
• He ignores you and even hurts your feelings and you try to tell him this, but all he does is get more distant
Now that you know what it looks like if he is losing interest, let’s explore what to do!
The answer is: no matter what, give him space.
First ask him if he’s OK (just once). Do NOT do this constantly and persistently. (More on this here.) If you keep asking him what’s wrong, he will end up pulling away more and more.
It’s not your fault, I know your intention is to help. But men are wired to detach and shut down when faced with questions about whether they are OK or not.
So now that you’re going to give him space… while you do this, think about whether he was ever emotionally “present” and whether he is simply losing interest in you in a general sense.
If he is losing interest in you, he is going to become emotionally distant as a result of this. If he’s starting to question whether he loves/likes you or not, if he is unsure about you while in the past he was certain he loved you… all these things cause a man to become emotionally distant.
What can you do in this situation? Nothing. There is nothing you can do to make someone like and love you.
And why would you want to, anyway? Forcing someone to love you isn’t natural and does not make sense. You deserve better.
The best thing you can do is try your best not to focus on what he is or is not feeling—life your life, have fun and be happy.
Focus On Yourself: Manage Your Mood
This is something a lot of women do not realize: your mood is directly related to how attractive men view you as.
Your mood is going to make you more or less attractive in his eyes. Even the hottest woman can become unattractive if she has a negative attitude. If you are in a negative mood a lot of the time and worrying about what is going on with him, he will feel this mood. (This article talks a lot more about this concept.)
He will then become even more emotionally distant because of the vibe you’re giving off. Not saying it’s your fault, I am saying this to help you and give you the real answer to solve this problem once and for all.
So the answer you’re looking for to the question: “What should I do if he’s becoming emotionally distant?” is simple. Focus on being in the best mood that you can be when you’re around him.
Try to aim for the vibe that you felt when you first started dating – the excited, happy, delighted vibe that you had with him. If you can recapture that mood, it will go a long way towards bringing him back from wherever his mind went.
At the end of the day, you can’t control him, and you can’t make him love you any more than you can make the sun not set. But by focusing on being at your best, you give yourself the best chance to rekindle the emotional intimacy in your relationship.
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- Written by: Administrator
We’ve all had relationships that we’ve looked back on and thought, “What was I thinking?’’ Problem is, you weren’t thinking. You based your decision strictly on chemistry and first impressions, and in the words of Elvis Presley, “That’s when your heartaches begin.”
Imagine you have an empty wall over your sofa and are looking for the perfect piece of art to fill it with. Let’s make believe there’s a gallery in town that is known for having great paintings. There’s only one problem. All of their artwork is covered up except for one small corner. If you decide you like something, you can either buy it without seeing what the whole thing looks like, or you can go back each week as a bit more of it is revealed.
Do you get where I’m going with this? Most people fall for a corner of the painting and immediately decide this would be the perfect piece of art for a wall that has been bare for far too long. Instead of returning each week to the gallery to learn a bit more, they make up their mind on the spot and only weeks or months later when the cover is off do they see what they are really dealing with.
I doubt anyone would ever buy art in this fashion, yet that is exactly what you’re doing when you first meet someone and either instantly or within days or weeks decide you want them to be your partner. You’re only seeing a corner of the painting. If you had waited to see what the rest looked like, you may have chosen to move on instead.
What’s the solution? When meeting someone new, your motto should be, “SHOW ME WHO YOU ARE AND I’LL DECIDE WHERE YOU FIT INTO MY LIFE, IF ANYWHERE”. Instead of trying or hoping to have someone in your life, let the person show you who they are, by their words, actions and non-actions. Then you can decide what category to put them in.
Let’s say you’re looking for a committed relationship. You meet someone and at first everything seems great. Then they start to become unreliable, don’t call when they say they will, cancel dates, show up 2 hours late, are verbally abusive, etc. You’ve just been shown that they are not to be taken seriously.
If you’ve already brought them home and placed them on that empty space above your sofa (your heart), it will be more difficult to walk away, than if you had just gone to the gallery each week to see who they were
There was a guy that had been trying to get my number for several months, but I wasn’t interested, so I didn’t give it to him. One day he mentioned that he had been tanning at a friend’s pool. I thought it might be fun to go with him sometime, so he gave me his number. I called on a Saturday afternoon, to see about going on Sunday. Well, this guy that was so interested in my number beforehand, didn’t call back.
When I saw him the following Monday, I said, “What happened? You never called back.” He said, “I had a crazy weekend”. Does that mean he couldn’t find 5 minutes to call back? I doubt it, but it did show me who he was and if I wasn’t interested before, I was even less interested now.
Let people show you who they are and then you can decide if and where they fit into your life.
