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- Written by: Lucia
Dear Lucia,
I've been dating my former boss since 2005. There is no subject he cannot talk about, but he is not very nurturing for me emotionally.
I often got the feeling there were other women. When I would be at his place the phone seldom got answered, unless the caller ID showed a man or a relative's name. Our last time together was Super Bowl Sunday and not one phone call since. I got angry because he was flirting with someone at the party.
Now he drops me a note saying he plans to call, yet the call has never come and I refuse to call. His last words were: Go date another. I won't be what you want.
All I want is his love and respect. He can keep the gifts and horrible trips where he would completely ignore me.
Where did I go wrong? Why can't I get him out of my system? I am shocked he could just walk away so easily with no feelings for me. Why does he do this? Broken spirit.
Dear Broken spirit,
I'm so sorry to hear about your situation.
The question is not: Why does he do this? The question is: Why do you do this? By blaming him, you are saying that you have no power here and are therefore a victim. Yes, you are a victim – of your own behavior. Let's look at the warning signs you chose to ignore:
1. He is not emotionally nurturing: One of the great benefits of being in a relationship is that this is where you go to be emotionally supported and nurtured, especially if you didn't get it from your parents when you were growing up.
2. Other women: When all the signs were there that you were not the only one, why did you stick around?
3. He told you to date others: Someone that loves you would never say this to you.
4. He ignored you on trips: Someone that loves you is elated to be on a trip with you and doesn't ignore you.
Why did you choose to ignore all these red flags? If someone came along and treated you well, would you know how to handle that?
You're hooked on being mistreated like a junkie is hooked on heroin. He can't respect a woman that would stick around no matter how he treated her. Of course he doesn't respect you. You don't respect you.
Where did you go wrong? When you realized he wasn't there for you, both emotionally and physically but still stuck around.
The best thing he ever did was tell you to, "Go date another. I won't be what you want." At least he was telling the truth that time.
I would suggest you run, not walk, to a therapist to figure out why you are keeping yourself from being in a healthy relationship. Otherwise, you'll end up alone or, even worse, in another bad relationship.
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- Written by: Administrator
Dear Lucia,
What is your take on men who refuse to go into stores that are targeted for women (i.e. Victoria's Secret, Forever 21)? Is it because they're macho? Anonymous
Dear Anonymous,
What would I call a man that didn't want to go with his girlfriend to women's clothing stores? I'd call him: a man! This has nothing to do with being macho.
There are two types of men: the ones that love to go shopping with their girl and see her try on different outfits and the ones that prefer to see the outfits after she has bought them. Don't judge him for it and don't try to force him to join you. How would you feel if he wanted you go to Home Depot or Pep Boys with him? Exactly!
Men are goal oriented and the thought of just wandering around a mall looking, trying things on and possibly not even buying anything doesn't make sense to them. Instead, for women, it's therapeutic. We LOVE to shop! Take a girlfriend or go alone.
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- Written by: Administrator
Dear Lucia,
I went on a date with a guy from London. He then stopped by LA for an evening to hang out with me on the way to his business trip in Seattle. I didn't want to kiss him or let him give me a massage as he asked for. Since then, he hasn't called me - just 2 short emails.
I'm starting to miss him and I'm falling for him! I was going to call him to ask when he'll be in the USA again. I know he travels all the time, mostly to the east coast - I want to meet him there - is it wise to do so? He's so my type of guy - I realize how much spiritually and intellectually I am attracted to him - we click!
Life is short and I won't find his type of guy in LA - no way. I think it's worth it to see him again even if I pay for the air ticket. Dorothy
Dear Dorothy,
Please tell me you're in your early 20's, because you're behaving like a silly girl. You're looking for your Prince Charming, and after seeing someone twice, you have him up on a pedestal and think he's the one. It's called projection, because you're projecting onto him qualities you're looking for in a man and assuming he has them. STOP IT!
You hardly know the guy and you miss him? What's to miss? I think what you miss is having a man. Life may be short, but it can sure get long when you're waiting for the call or text that never comes.
He wanted to give you a massage on your second date? I think he was looking for an L.A. booty call, and when he saw it wasn't going to happen, he wasn't interested – thus, the two short emails. He's written you off, but not completely, just in case.
You're wrong about not finding this type of guy in L.A. There are plenty of them – they're called players. Save your money and look for someone whose number doesn't begin with "011..."
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- Written by: Lucia
Hi Lucia,
How long is the "rebound" period? How long does it usually take before a person can see someone else again seriously after a break up? Mary K.
Hi Mary,
I once read that for every year one is in a relationship, it takes two months to get over it. However, it once took me 4 months to get over someone I'd only gone out with for 2 months, so I don't think there's a formula. It depends on how deep your feelings for the person were, how long you were dating and who initiated the breakup.
Often people leave a relationship mentally and emotionally before they leave physically. This is why sometimes people can jump into another situation right away and it works out.
What you want to avoid is engaging in destructive behavior such as drinking, drugs or jumping into bed with someone new just to feel better. These are all temporary band-aids and will probably have the opposite effect.
Let your feelings be your guide. Don't rush it. Your heart will tell you when it's ready to open up again. In the meantime, spend time with friends and family who make you feel loved.
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- Written by: Administrator
Hi Lucia,
I'm 23 and I've been dating a 49-year-old man for 7 months. He moved in a few weeks ago and has asked me to marry him. He is really romantic and I love him a lot but when we go out I see people look at us like they are judging me and the age gap between us. Should I marry him or should I break it off? Billie
Hi Billie,
When it comes to marriage, I generally tell people to wait until they are at least 25 years old. That's because the part of the brain responsible for making decisions isn't fully developed until that age. It's crazy, I know, but it has been scientifically proven.
Also, marriage is something not to be taken lightly, and at age 23 it's hard to fully comprehend exactly what you're getting into.
This is the age when you should be sowing your wild oats and dating – meaning, exploring what it's like to be with different types of guys. Please note I'm not saying you should be sleeping with all of them.
However, your guy has already moved in, so unless you're willing to have him move out, continue dating, but please wait until you are more mature in order to decide whether to marry him or anyone else!
