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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I met a man on a social media last year. We talk on the phone all the time and are very much in love. He is already talking about marriage. We haven’t met yet and he wants me to visit him at his base. I know he loves me and I feel something strong for him too, but now am nervous to go and see him. He wanted to come and see me when he was on leave but I turned him down.

Now he cries to me on phone on a daily basis, begging me to come, even if it’s just for 2 minutes for us to meet with each other. I want to see him too yet I have no courage to go and see him. Does it mean I am afraid of love? What should I do? Light

Hi Light,

It always amazes me when someone tells me they are in love with someone they met on a social media yet have never met in person. You may like him a lot, you may have strong feelings for him, but love? No, I don’t believe it’s love – at least not yet.

I don’t think you’re afraid of love – I think you’re afraid of intimacy. You feel safe as long as the relationship is over the phone or online. But a face too face meeting makes you anxious because now you have to take things to another level.

I don’t believe in doing anything that doesn’t feel good, so if you’re not ready to meet him yet, then don’t. You can continue the friendship – because that’s what it is at this point – and maybe you will eventually want to meet him. If not, then I would suggest you see a professional to discuss your fear of intimacy.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I’ve been dating a great man since May. I’m 25, he’s 33 and has been divorced for 3 years, no kids. We talk daily and see each other 3-4 times a week.

7 months into our relationship I asked if I was his girlfriend. He said he really liked me, but wasn’t ready to use that label since it was so new and he was still getting to know me. He assured me there’s no one else. I told him it was ok, I wasn’t giving him an ultimatum or trying to force him into anything he wasn’t ready for, I was just curious.

I brought it up again today and got the same response. I don’t want anything to change; I just want to be able to call him my boyfriend.

Am I being totally irrational by wanting a title that, to me, isn’t going to change anything? Is he just not that into me? Lori

Hi Lori,

7 months into a relationship is not “new”. He knew long before then whether he wanted you to be his girlfriend or not and the answer is: No! That’s why, it’s now been 10 months and he still hasn’t changed his mind. He is happy to see you on his terms. He gets to spend time with you, have sex with you and still keep his options open.

Your choices are to either take this or leave it.

Do you want to continue to spend time with a man who is only interested in a casual relationship with you? Are you willing to be in a casual relationship, knowing that the longer it continues, the more it will hurt when it’s over?

If you decide to leave, do not give an ultimatum. You need to be very calm and sure of yourself. Say something like, “This is no longer working for me. I don’t want to be in a casual relationship. I want to be somebody’s girlfriend. I enjoyed the time we spent together. I wish you well, and I’m going to move on.”

If he says he needs to think about it, let him take all the time that he needs. However, he does not need to see you while he is “thinking about it”. The only way you should continue to see him is if he is willing to commit.

In the meantime, start meeting other guys, if for no other reason than to get your mind off him.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

Recently I started going out with a guy. He seemed very nice and I could say we both were attracted to each other. On our third date we went to his friend's birthday at a club. I had just a couple of cocktails. I felt so drunk, as never before. I don’t really remember how we left. He took me to his place, because I was in no shape to go home on my own. He saw that I felt really terrible, but he was still trying to make me want to have sex.

I understand it was hard for him to control himself in bed with me, but still I tried not to respond.

I finally started to kiss and cuddle him too.

When we were about to make love, I realized he didn’t have a condom. I stood up and started to put my clothes on. I told him that I don’t know  who he sleeps and I didn’t want to risk myself or get pregnant. I asked him for a car service number or where I can take a train. He looked so mad, he didn’t even say bye to me. He just showed me directions while still lying in bed.

On my way to a train, he texted me that he no longer wants to be in touch with me and wants his number deleted. He promised to do the same.

I don’t know if it was right to refuse him last minute and if I need to just leave it as it is. Julia

Hi Julia,

It sounds like you may have had something put in your drink. Thank God you had the clarity of mind to not have sex without a condom. This guy doesn’t give a damn about you. Even though you were in no shape to go home, he still tried to have sex with you.

You can refuse a guy anytime, last minute or not.

He probably won’t like it, but that’s his problem. If he’s a gentleman, he accepts it gracefully. If he’s a jerk, then he behaves like the guy you described.

If he hadn’t suggested that you delete him from your life, I was certainly going to advise you to do it.  Leave it as is and move on!

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months. He told me that he feels like I'm not giving him enough space for his personal life. He also told me that what he really wants is to get married with a girl of his nationality, which is a neighboring country with the same culture and similar language. His family lives in my city and I don't see a big difference between our nationalities. He pointed out that he wanted it since he was a kid and will probably end up with somebody of the same nationality.

He said that he likes me, thinks I'm a good person and doesn't want me to take things too seriously because it’s going to hurt both of us. I asked if he wants to break up and if he is seeing anybody. His answer was no.

We decided to keep things the way they are now, but if something or someone comes up we will be letting each other know in advance.

It may seem strange, but I somehow knew what he was up to from the beginning, but thought that he might change his mind on the "nationality" thing. He has always acted as a gentleman, never turned me down in any way, was always supportive and I was trying to give the same attitude back.

At first he told be that he has no intention of proposing.

I wanted to leave him right away and say that I'm not going be with somebody who is not serious about me but I held myself back. I didn't want to give the impression that I badly wanted to get married to him. I actually told him the opposite, that I have some things going on and that I'm not up to it either, at least not yet.

He said that we’ll see what happens, and if he or I meet somebody else it will end itself, but for now let’s just keep everything the way it is. I tried to calm down myself, though it was really hurting inside.

Do you think I should leave him now or wait some time? Alex

Dear Alex,

Maybe it’s true that he wants to marry someone of the same nationality, or maybe he’s using that as an excuse because he knows he doesn’t want to marry you! You’ve only been dating 5 months, which I think is generally too soon to decide whether you will or won’t marry someone.

It’s possible there are things he sees in you or the relationship which are causing him to think you are not the one. What are some things he has complained to you about that he is not happy with in terms of your relationship? Look at them honestly and see what part you play in those things.

He mentioned the personal space, so give him his space. Do not initiate calls or texts. Do not suggest getting together. Let him be the one who comes to you instead of the other way around.

Women always feel as if they have to “do”, in order to be loved.

They don’t realize they are already loveable just by “being”. Lean back and let him take the lead. I think you will be surprised at the results!

Even if I told you to leave, would you be able to? I suggest you start to see other guys while continuing to see him. You will not be so focused on him and when you do see him, I think you will be much happier because you know you have other options. Your change in attitude will also have an effect on him as he will feel less pressure from you.

Dating is supposed to be about having fun and getting to know the other person. Keep that attitude, and who knows, he may change his mind about the “nationality” criteria!

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months. I am 36 and he is 30. According to him, he is only dating me. We have never had the "talk" yet we joke around about not being boyfriend and girlfriend.

Normally we talk 1-2x a day, text each other between 5-15x a day and see each other 2-3x a week.

I know that his ex girlfriend broke up with him 5 months ago. He recently told me that he was dating a woman in her 40s when he met his ex, who is also 30. He said he broke up with the older woman when he began to fall in love with his ex.

I didn't ask him for how long exactly he was dating his ex before he knew that he was falling in love. He told me that the older woman went nuts on him and hacked into his email, wrote emails to his ex.and other crazy stuff.

He sounded like he just didn’t understand why the older woman went crazy on him since he, "Never told her that he loved her.” He said that they had a good time and had fun together.

He loves to come over to my house, he loves to spend the night (if it was up to him, I even think he would move in) and he loves my expensive car. I am now wondering if I am the new older woman until he meets someone to fall in love with.

On our dates he does take me out for dinner and to the movies, but because of our schedules, 70% of the time he comes over later at night, usually between 9-11pm. We have had a few whole day dates, hiking and biking, but that can still just be considered "having fun".

How can I know if he comes over to my house to see me because he likes me and not just because he has 4 roommates and sleeps on the sofa but I on the other hand have a nice 2 bedroom house?

How can I make sure that he is not just killing time until he finds that new "girlfriend"?  My worst fear is that I get used. Amy

Dear Amy,

The wonderful yet frightening thing about love, dating and relationships is that you don’t have a guarantee of what is going to happen. It’s probably better that way because that is part of what makes it exciting.

However, I can certainly understand how you may be afraid of being used. Whatever you’re concerned that he may be using you for, give him limited access to that and see if he sticks around.

If you want to make sure it’s about you and not your home, then do not let him sleep over all the time. See how he reacts to that. If you’re concerned about being used for your money, then make sure you’re not always the one to pay. If you think it may be sex, then don’t always have sex and see what happens.

Until you know for sure, I would caution you to not get too emotionally involved. This means that you should not project onto him qualities which you think he has or wish he had.

It also means that you should not daydream about a future with him. Live in the present moment. Your imagination is not your friend at the beginning of any relationship. Don’t start fantasizing about how great it would be to live together, go to Hawaii or get married. This will cause the relationship to go off balance and you may be reading more into it than there actually is.

At the same time, keep in mind that 5 years is not that big an age difference, especially these days. I would barely consider you an older woman.

In the end, only time will tell whether it’s about loving you or using you.