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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I started hanging out with a guy who told me upfront that his ex invited herself to come visit him in a month. He said he didn't want her to come out, but that she spent the money & they'd kept in touch so he'd just see what happened; soon after he asked me to date him.

When I confronted him about his ex & asked if he planned to see me while she was here he said "I guess not because it would be awkward." I said,  "Goodbye".

Now he is trying everything to get me back. How do I deal with his pleads to see me now? He asks if he can see me if he tells her not to come out.

Do I ignore him or repeat that I told him what is & isn’t acceptable & his ignoring that doesn’t help his reputation with me? I feel that letting him see me would let him feel that he can get away with not respecting my boundaries regarding the issue & I don’t want to call his shots for him. Desiree

Hi Desiree,

Congratulations on your insight. You’ve pretty much answered your own questions. Unless you’re just interested in a fling, whenever you find out there’s still an “active” ex in the picture, it’s time to distance yourself from that person.

His explanation regarding why she was coming sounds lame. If he really didn’t want her to come out, she wouldn’t have spent the money to make the trip. Think about it – if you had an ex that you didn’t want to see, would you tolerate their making a trip just to see you? No! His statement that “he’d just see what happened” tells me there’s still unfinished business there.

How do you deal with his pleading to see you? At this point, you owe him nothing. If you are uncomfortable seeing him under the circumstances, as you should be, then you simply don’t see him no matter how much he begs or pleads. Otherwise, you teach him that if he whines enough, you’ll give in. This is not a good precedent to set with pets, children or potential boyfriends.

You’re right in not calling the shots for him. We need to let people do whatever they’re going to do and then we decide whether we still want that person in our lives or not. Tell him that as long as his ex is in the picture to the point that she is willing to spend money to see him, you are not available and will be moving on and dating others.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

My ex broke up with 3 months ago. He texted me, and said that he's not the man for me, and that I needed to move on and find happiness. And that's just what I did.

I completely stopped calling and texting him. Every once in a while he would text me, and I would give friendly yet very short answers. I busied myself with friends and family.

Before long, I was thinking about him less and less. I was finally getting over him.

After 1 1/2 months of not seeing him, he called me one night when I was out with my girlfriends. He asked if what I meant by a commitment was being his girlfriend, settling down, being a family, buying a house, and getting married. I said it was.

He burst into tears on the phone. He said he was ready to commit to me and that he missed me so much that every time he saw a car like mine, he would see me in it and get sad.

I had my girlfriends drop me off at his place and we talked for hours. He said that he was in love with me. He realized that I had always stood by his side, despite everything he had put me through. He apologized for the way he had talked to me and treated me.

He is getting out of the Marines at the end of this month, and was offered a great job 2 states away. I told him that I didn't want him to go...but that I would respect whatever decision he made. Last week he turned down the job, and he said I'm part of the reason why he did!

Things have been so wonderful. He tells me all the time that he loves me, has no problem calling me his girlfriend to other people, and actually spends hours on the phone talking to me now. (He never spent over 2 minutes talking to me before) I can honestly say that I am so happy with him. I wanted to thank you for your advice. I did no contact , and now things are great!  Jodie

Dear Jodie,

Wow. I am so happy for you.  Your story is a big inspiration to everyone that is in a similar situation and doesn’t know what to do. Often, our instinct is to stick around and try to convince the other person to change their mind.

As usual, actions speak louder than words. People don’t respond to words as much as they do to “no contact”. When you are no longer around, they experience what the truth of the situation is.  If they have strong feelings for you, your silence will ring loudly in their ears.

Most people are afraid to back away, for fear that the other person doesn’t care that much and will move on.  However, if that’s the truth, it’s better to know sooner rather than later.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I met a guy at a party and gave him my number. It took him a week to text me.  Does that mean he’s not really interested? Dorothy

Dear Dorothy,

Actually, it probably means the opposite. There are certain dating coaches who are teling guys to wait 7 days to contact a woman when they get her number. Why? Because he will stand out from all the other guys that usually reach out within a day or two and the woman will be more intrigued.

Well, I don’t agree. I think there are other ways to stand out. When a guy waits that long, it sends out a big smoke signal that he’s interested but he’s playing games. Fine, let the games begin.

Here’s how you handle this situation. You met John at a party and he finally texts after a week. This is how the conversation should go:

John: Hey, it’s John.
You:  John?
John: Yeah! We met at Chris’s party.
You: Oh, you’re the veterinarian!
John: No, I’m the lawyer.
You:  Oh, I remember now. Hi. How are you!

This way, you let him think you weren’t sitting around wondering why he was taking so long to text you. See how it can backfire on him if you handle it this way?

There is of course always the possibility that he was undecided about whether to call and finally decided to try it or he could be seeing someone else and wrestled with the idea of whether he should text or not.

Any way you look at it, when a guy waits too long to text, it’s rarely a good sign. If he was intrigued with you, he’d wand to get in touch sooner rather than later.  Proceed with caution.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I recently caught my boyfriend of 6 years cheating when I found a receipt from a short stay hotel. I believe it is the same woman he was seeing when we were having problems in the past. We obviously worked things out and he said he wasn’t dating her anymore but did speak to her from time to time. When I recently found the receipt I said its over and he cried and begged. I love him so I accepted and stayed.

I am 34 and he is 38. I want to eventually get married, have kids and buy a home. His goals are to move up in his field, buy a home, have kids and get married. We are working on getting a place to rent so we can split bills in order to save money for a home. We’ve discussed marriage in the past and he stated he eventually wants to marry me. He hasn’t proposed yet but says he fears losing me.

I love him and panic at the thought of things not going well but his cheating has lowered my self esteem. Shelby

Dear Shelby,

You said you worked things out, but apparently you didn't.  If he’s messing around before marriage, when he’s supposed to be putting his best foot forward so that you’ll accept a proposal, how will he behave after you’re married?

When a man wants to marry a woman, he will usually propose within 2 years or less.  You've been with him for 6 years without a proposal and he still doesn't know when he wants to get married, or so he says.

It's interesting how you listed your priorities.  You wrote that you want marriage, kids and a home.  You also wrote that he wants to move up in his field, buy a home, have kids and get married.  I don't think it's a coincidence that you put the two priorities in that order.  It would appear you're not on the same page.

Moving in with him would be one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Living together is a convenience, marriage is a commitment. Do you want a convenience or a commitment? Studies show that couples that move in together before marriage have a higher divorce rate than couples that don’t. On top of that, his goals are the exact opposite of yours. His priority is his career and he’s willing to have kids before marriage. How do you know that he would even marry you if you had a child together?

If you still want him, you need to do the following:

1) Get to the truth as to why he cheated. If necessary, go to counseling.

2) When you are certain that the cheating issue has been dealt with sufficiently, tell him that you “love him and want to be his wife and if you don’t receive a proposal and a ring within 3-6 months (you choose the length), you will move on.” Yes, this is an ultimatum. Though not generally recommended, you’ve already wasted enough time with him. You must be mentally and emotionally prepared to follow through.

3) Actions speak louder than words. If he doesn’t propose, stop seeing him. Don’t accept any excuses. When he calls you, keep the conversations light and short. Tell him you’re busy and have to run after 5 minutes.

4) If he wants to see you, it has to be because he has a ring for you. If not, there’s no point.

I know you won’t want to do this, but I believe you have no other choice. Let’s see how much he really fears losing you. Staying with a man who cheats and doesn’t want to get married would lower any woman’s self esteem.

The only way to have high self esteem is to impress yourself with the courage to make the right decision, even when it’s the most difficult thing in the world to do.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

This guy and I have a physical and somewhat emotional attraction but he keeps getting scared it's going too far for him.  He thinks it shouldn’t have gotten this far.

We’ve been seeing each other off and on for several weeks now and also talking several times a day on the phone. We share lots of laughs and intimate times and are very compatible with each other. I’m just trying to make out what’s going on with him right now. Jodi

Dear Jodi,

Girl, you’ve got to slow down. You’re making the typical female mistake of trying to rush things. You haven’t been “on and off for several weeks”, you’ve simply been getting to know each other at a pace that you consider too slow.

A few weeks in is way too soon to be talking on the phone several times a day. Guys are not generally aware of their feelings towards someone they’re seeing until they begin to miss her. He can’t miss you if he knows he can talk to you every day.

Dating is supposed to be a slow dance, not a race. If you behave as if it were a race, at some point the guy is going to put on the brakes and you will be on the road to nowhere.  I've seen this happen over and over again.

Instead, as with dancing, you take one step forward, one step back, two steps forward, one step back.

At the moment, you’re scaring him off. Take a step back and don’t be so available, to either talk on the phone or to see him in person. No more daily phone calls. See him no more than once or twice a week for the first few months.

If he wants to see you more often, let him be the one to bring it up.