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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

How should I handle the fact that my boyfriend of 4+ years e-mailed 2 women?  I discovered this by being snoopy (my ex husband cheated). I went into his email and saw his dating profile. Then I discovered he contacted 1 woman in Aug of last year and  a 2nd one in Nov. of last year. Now he tells me we should start considering getting married. How do I confront him? Dale

Dear Dale,

Your situation is a perfect example of why snooping is not a good thing. Yes, I know you found emails but you have no idea if things went any further. I’ve met people online (who claimed to be single but were actually married or in a relationship), who I then met in person but for one reason or another, nothing happened. Maybe he was having doubts about your relationship at that point and now he’s sure that you’re the one. However, since you were checking up on him, now you have to say something, because you can’t enter a marriage with this knowledge in the back of your mind.

You’ll have to be honest, tell him what you did, why you did it, apologize for invading his privacy and of course, find out why he was contacting other women. If you are satisfied with his response and have learned your lesson about snooping, then you can proceed forward. If you’re not satisfied with his response, then don’t get married until you absolutely know that you can trust him, because playing detective in your marriage won’t be fun for either one of you.

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Written by: Mary J. Gibson

Reading Mills and Boon or Harlequin books as a teenager can give you the impression that romance is right around the corner, waiting to lock eyes with you at a party or ready to bump into you at a train station. The truth, however, is that we are all far too busy with our heads buried in our smart phones to do so. Though meet-cutes sound dreamy to me, the reality is we all need a little help in the dating game. And online dating is the prayer answered.

The best part is online dating works! It requires minimum efforts, is easy to use and a great way to widen your social circle. A number of people consider online dating because of its versatility, options, access, user-friendliness, popularity and reach. Don’t go spending money on blind dates and take control of the dating process. Instead, take a look at some of the many reasons you should consider online dating and jump into the world of new people, fresh experiences and a lot of adventures.

1. Variety Is the Spice of Life:  Whether you are looking for a long-term relationship, just hookups, casual dating or even marriage, online dating has it all. Enjoy the perks of dating from your couch in your pajamas! Imagine going out on a date at a charming eatery and realizing your date has the personality of a potato. Since an online connection is established through chats, know each other's likes, interests and hobbies, there are no awkward first dates.

2. Hold the Reins:  Most dating apps these days are women-centric. The power to initiate conversations makes the whole process far easier. Bumble is a great example of this. You have the freedom to put the details you seem ideal for the world to view and are in charge of how much of the information you share with potential matches. Also, you can set the contact preferences and not be bothered with unnecessary texts or calls.

3. The Busy-Bees:  The magic of online dating is you get to schedule it according to your calendar. At my last job, I would work a very early shift which meant I had to go to bed pretty early. But that gave me the freedom to schedule online dating for the evenings. You can experience this fun game of internet dating wherever and whenever you want. I use online dating apps while I travel, during coffee breaks and it's a great use of my time.

4. Unlimited Choices:  Unlike a bar or pub, the pool of online dating is much bigger and thousands of people are waiting to meet someone new. With online dating, your geographical location is not a problem since apps, like Tinder, help you set your location preferences. Instead of spending money on blind first dates that may not culminate into anything, online dating gives me the option of eliminating people early on.

5. Bye-Bye To Boredom:  With online dating, molding its experience to cater to the users in a more relatable way, we see a surge of fresh features. Many dating websites have fun questions that help you gauge a person's characteristics and qualities. This helps you narrow down the choices and zero-in on the ones that strike your interest. You get the opportunity to taste a unique cuisine, try a new bar or experience something totally fresh.

6. Self Learning Mode:  Online dating firstly helps you get rid of the fear of rejection. With no hopes and expectation, you get to rationally analyze whether something works for you or not. Also, getting messages from strangers is validation at its finest. It helps boost your self-confidence and improve self-esteem. It motivates you to dig deep, discover interests, realize preferences and understand what works for you.

7. Safety Net:  It is a boon for introverts like me who struggle asking someone out in the real world. But being online, protected by a screen, I get to be myself and talk freely. Online dating provides a comfortable space for even shy people to ask their cute crush out on a date. Online dating reduces the stress of making a great first impression and takes off some of the pressure of courtship.

8. Smart & Progressive:  From giving you the chance to ‘be yourself’ to opening a world of new opportunities, online dating has something for everyone. So I say let's put this easy accessibility and an-almost addiction to smartphones to good use. When I first stepped into the world of internet dating, the thought that only desperate weirdos try dating this way was something I had to work on. But online dating has far more advantages than drawbacks.

9. Options, A Plenty:  It's convenient, saves time, has easy access, a ton of privacy options and far more success stories than you think. There are a lot of different online dating sites and apps like Tinder, Bumble, Happn, OkCupid, TrulyMadly and many many more. Most of them are free and a few have paid upgrades with extra features. With a rise in the usage of the internet, many companies are delivering a variety of dating apps and sites.

10. Easy As A Pie:  As a single, independent woman with limited dating experience, I went on to try quite a few adventures and had different dating experiences. I could choose from a whole bunch, most apps worked in my favor and I genuinely had a great time. It was easy to make a profile and I locked in my preferences with great care. With pictures being the focus of your profile, it actually encouraged me to take new ones.

11. Outside the Comfort Zone:  The rush of meeting a stranger is unmatched. None of your friends knows them hence there’s no judgement. It’s a step out of the familiar to dive into a world of networking, making new friends and so much more. Also, those seeking one-night stands and hookup experiences; this works in their favor.

With a large percentage of the population busy with handling career and social lives; dating through apps and websites, has made life easier. There are many security features that help keep the invasion to the minimum and it is certainly safer than meeting a random stranger. With customer service, blocking and reporting options and some sites taking up background checks; online dating has become a trustworthy harbor. Download a super fun online dating app, forget the hesitations and dive into a world of infinite options.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I’ve been dating a guy for 2 1/2 months and we are very happy together. He is understanding and has everything I need in a man.   The problem is that sometimes we have nothing to talk about – I have to think about what to say next. We were born and brought up in different environments and we have different points of view as well. Sometimes I don’t express my feelings properly because I try to talk about what he likes. If this is the situation now then what will happen after marriage?

I really love him a lot, feel lucky to be with him and want to spend my whole life with him. Is this normal or do I need to do something for this? Angel

Hi Angel,

What could possibly have given you the idea that this is normal? Do you think people would be searching for “the one” if it was someone they couldn’t have a great conversation with? It’s actually the opposite! One of the signs of whether someone is a potential lifetime partner is that you can and do talk about anything and everything. There is rarely a lull in the conversation, especially after only 2 ½ months.

That’s why there are so many jokes about being able to tell who the old, married couple is in a restaurant – because they’ve stopped talking, while people that have just started dating can’t stop talking!

However, I have to place most of the blame for this on you, because you aren’t being authentic – you only want to discuss things he’s interested in. You must be bored to death by now – that’s why it’s hard to think of something to say. Instead of discussing things you like, you’re being an actress and pretending to be someone else. However, this is real life, not a movie, where someone writes your lines for you.

If you want to turn this around you need to start being yourself – the person you are around your friends and family. Ironically enough, one of the ways that men fall in love is when a woman is being herself around them. So, if he likes you now, things will start to get a lot better once you show him the real you.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I have been seeing a guy for the past 3 months who is unemployed. He says we cannot be in a serious relationship until he finds a job. Ever since day 1, we have been inseparable. I am always helping him find new job postings, and if there is something to be done on the computer he asks for my help.

He reminds me all the time that we are just "friends". He wants to know every single detail of what I do and who I talk to. I really like this guy, but I am afraid that once he finds a job he will then kick me to the curb.

I am very sweet to him and really never expecting anything in return. I do want him to find a job and be less stressed. At the end, I am hoping he will then ask me to be his girlfriend.

I have always been there for him, sometimes even without him asking, and I feel he expects it to be like that. But when I need him, he's not. What should I do? Angela

Hi Angela,

Women have got to stop thinking that all they need to do is be sweet and always there for a guy and he will fall in love. Not gonna happen! That is behavior you save for a guy who has already made a commitment to you, not a guy you just met.

Men want a woman who is “high value”. What does this look like?

A high value woman:

Is not inseparable from day 1 with a guy she just met – she has a life

Does not act like a man’s mother by helping someone she barely knows look for a job

Believes a man when he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship until he has a job

Is willing to be friends first, especially if he keeps reminding her of her “status” with him

Is not “always there” for someone who isn’t there for her

A man cannot fall in love with a woman who gives more than he does. He feels guilty for not giving back and feels rushed into behavior he may not yet be ready for. If you don’t value yourself enough to have a life, how can you expect him to value you?

The answer to your question is, “Stop!” Stop doing everything. Stop helping him find a job, stop being there for him all the time, stop being inseparable. Since he is just a friend, behave with him as you would with a friend you had no romantic interest in.

I know this will be hard to do, so I suggest pulling away in small doses. If you see each other 7 nights a week, cut back to 6, then 5, etc.

As I said in my book, Lucia’s Lessons of Love, “What we achieve too easily, we esteem too lightly.”

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I have been online with a gentleman for about 5 weeks. We have sent hundreds of emails, photos, music etc. We talked about finally meeting but because he travels 2 1/2 weeks per month, we haven't yet.

A week ago we got into an argument because I told him I didn't want to answer any more questions and I had been burned before online. He made it all about him and said that I was comparing him to a loser.

I really feel that he wasn't ready to meet and since then I apologized and I sent him a song and him several to me....but no real emails and no plans.

I have decided to not comment on his songs anymore and unless he is ready to meet me and go forward there is no point.  Am I being catfished? Lynn

Hi Lynn,

You are 100% correct. I see many red flags here. First, what’s with the “hundreds of emails, etc” in only 5 weeks? Is he looking for an “e-pal” or someone to date?

Secondly, instead of being understanding when you let him know you didn’t want to be burned again, he got inappropriately defensive. This usually means someone is trying to deflect the attention from the truth – that is- he’s still not willing to meet you.

Finally, if someone is willing to chat, email etc. but doesn’t want to meet, it’s not because they’re not ready. More often than not, it’s because they’re already involved – married, living together or girlfriend.

So, it’s ultimatum time. Tell him that if he wants to communicate with you, it will have to be in person. Don’t fall for any, and I do mean, any excuses. I’m willing to bet you’ll never meet.