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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I’m currently single and considering a “friends with benefits” relationship with my ex.  We broke up a year ago and are both single, but don't want to get back together.  However, none of my close friends - man or woman - has ever had one, nor would go there for fear of catching feelings for the other person and/or being jilted when the other person found someone they liked better. What do you think?  Kim C.

Hi Kim,

I don’t like the expression “Friends with benefits.” Let’s call it what it is: A lover. I believe if someone is not in a relationship, and hasn’t taken a vow of celibacy, they should have a lover. I especially believe women should always have a lover. Men are usually happy with a booty call relationship, but I think women need a lover.

This would be someone that is not only skilled in bed, but is also able to take them out, sleep over sometimes, and generally be there for them, with no expectations on either side. Impossible you say? Not at all. (I know!)

A lover should be someone that you know there is little to no chance of a real relationship with. This could be because they’re either too young or too old for you, someone whose company you enjoy but know you could never commit to or an ex you get along with but no longer have any romantic feelings for (nor they for you).

Life is about balance. Just because you don’t have a partner at the moment, there’s no reason to deprive yourself of male energy if you’re a woman, and female energy if you’re a man. That way, when you do meet someone you think you may want to get to know better, you won’t be tempted to jump into bed with them, because those needs are already being met.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I had a massive fight with my man and accused him of something really stupid that I know in my heart he isn't capable of. He flew off the handle and stormed out of my house.

The next day I made the 30min journey to his house to apologize and he wouldn't let me in. I have tried texting and calling. I even tried leaving him alone for a week so he could calm down. I've written him a letter and given that to him, telling him why I said what I did but still no response. It's been 3 weeks.

Why won’t he respond? Candace

Dear Candace,

There could be several reasons why he’s reacting this way:

1. This was the last straw and he’s done
2. He doesn’t think your apology is sincere
3. He wants to punish you
4. Any combination thereof

The fact that he still won’t speak to you after 3 weeks concerns me. Someone that loves you will not keep you in limbo for that amount of time if they’re upset with you. Love means you care about another person’s feelings as much as you care about your own. His lengthy silence tells me his pride and hurt feelings are more important to him than you.

At this point, unless he’s decided it’s over, he’s over-reacting. Now it’s about punishing you so that you feel as much pain as he did. Even if you do get back together, you need to discuss how you resolve conflicts in the future, because if he really cares about you, then his behavior is unacceptable.

I would suggest contacting him one more time and saying something this: I’ve tried to contact you and apologize many times but you refuse to accept my apology. I don’t want to bother you any more. This will be my last communication. If you would like to contact me, my door is open. If not, then I wish you well.

Keep your word and don’t try to get in touch with him again, no matter what!  Someone I was upset with left a similar message for me and when I heard it, my heart melted. I hope this will have the same effect on your man.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I found out my boyfriend cheated on me. I know it has not been the 1st time. I always find pictures of other girls in his phone, emails, tickets from dinners and movies.

I broke up with him but my trouble is that I cannot get used to not being with him. I know I did the right thing but I feel so attached to him that sometimes I want to go back. I know he won’t change.

What can I do to stay strong? I thought that it would be easy but it is not. I put with it for years and I don’t want to feel the same. Our relationship was pretty serious.

He is 33 and I’m 20. We’ve been together almost 3 ½ years. Fabi


Dear Fabi,

Before I knew your age, I was ready to be sympathetic as I gave you my “not putting up with a cheater spiel.” However, given the fact that you’ve been with this guy since you were a teenager and you’re only 20, I say, it’s about time it ended! (BTW, were you even legal when you started dating?)

You don't miss him, per se, you miss the way you felt when you were with him and things were going well.  Don't worry, you will feel that way again, and hopefully next time, it won't be with a cheater.

You did the right thing by walking away.  You should never trade self-respect and self-esteem for a relationship.  The price you have to pay is too high.

Self esteem can be defined as being impressed by your courage to do the right thing. The longer you stay, the less courage you demonstrate and the lower your self-esteem goes. The faster you leave, the higher your self-esteem goes.

I can promise you that the longer you stay away from him, the easier it will get. Right now you miss him because he was a big part of your daily routine. You need to replace him with something else that will occupy your time in a healthy way – working out, studying, spending more time with friends and family, etc. Before you know it, you won’t miss him anymore and will be glad that you moved on.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I met a guy about 7 months ago at a club where he worked and we instantly clicked. About a month later, I noticed he would dance with other women instead of me. His affection and attention was not the same. However, if I danced with someone else, he either got an attitude or branded me by hugging and kissing or staying by my side. He never asked me out, never made me exclusive. He said he was a confirmed bachelor. He was married once but it ended badly. I just came out of a ten-year relationship.

Around the holidays someone said they saw him with another woman, so I figured he had a girlfriend I made a decision not to go see him perform last month, because I would like a more committed relationship. My cell phone was off, so he searched for me at the places he knew I hung out at. He found me and said "he loved me" numerous times that night and included me in his future hopes and dreams. He has since ghosted me. I miss him. I am really feeling bad because I want to go see him. This guy made me feel great about myself. I know we have a connection and it’s magical. Melanie

Dear Melanie,

First of all, let me say that it’s not him that you miss, because he wasn’t giving you anything to miss. You miss how you felt about yourself when you were with him. He “made” you feel great because he told you things you should already have been telling yourself. You should not need anyone to tell you how great you are. That way, when someone comes along and says that to you, it’s a confirmation, not a revelation.

You let yourself get played. Part of the reason is due to the fact that you just came out of a long-term relationship and are probably starved for positive attention from a man. The other part is because you needed someone to make you feel good about yourself, so you were willing to close your eyes to obvious red flags.

When a man says he is a “confirmed bachelor” please believe it. Even if he’s lying, he’s telling you he’s not interested in you for a committed relationship. The reason he would become attentive if you were dancing with someone else is because men are territorial. Even if you didn’t have a commitment, he wanted to make sure you’d still be available to him for sex when he felt like it.

This is also the reason he searched for you when you disappeared. His declarations of love were just his temporary feelings of relief that you were still interested in him. That’s why he felt it was okay to not contact you afterwards. He knows he’s got you wrapped around his finger.

Just because you felt a connection with him, it doesn’t mean he feels the same.  A connection is not evidence of someone’s suitability for you. It’s nature’s way of bringing people together so that they will procreate and keep the human race going.

If you’re serious about wanting a committed relationship, then you need to move on and find someone else. There is nothing to be gained by continuing to waste time on a man that has clearly demonstrated he is not in love with you. Actions speak louder than words and his actions are not those of a man in love.

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Written by: Lucia

 Hi Lucia,

I’m 33 and my boyfriend is 28. We had been dating for 9 months when his immaturity (i.e., putting his friends before me) broke the camel’s back. We broke up and shortly afterwards I went on an overseas trip for a month with no cell phone. Upon my return I found out that he had been trying to reach me.

When we finally met up, he told me that during the time we had been apart, he realized how no woman would have wanted to deal with his “friends first” attitude. He really thought we had something special and that we should try again. I told him: I’m 33, I’m over these stupid games, I want a family and a strong stable relationship, if you don’t want that, let’s not try again. He assured me that’s what he wanted too.

Things are going great and we are now talking about living together but I’m scared that this will not work out and his age will someday come to bite me in the butt. Last month on the day he gave his landlord notice, I freaked out and created a big fight. He took it back and said since I wasn’t ready we could wait until I am. Do you think he’s too young to make a serious commitment at 28? Sarah

Dear Sarah,

There are men 10 years older than your guy that still aren’t ready for a commitment. On the other hand, I’ve known guys in their mid-twenties that were mature enough to get serious, so it’s not the date on the calendar that counts, but what’s going on in his head. If he’s sown his wild oats, is financially stable (meaning he has a steady job and a decent credit score) and is focused on his career, there’s no reason to believe his age will come back to bite you.

Do you think that maybe you might not be ready? It’s interesting that you would freak out when things were about to move to the next level. If you’re not 99% (because you’re never 100%) sure that he is “the One”, then keep dating and see what happens. If he’s too young for a serious commitment, it will become evident soon enough.