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Written by: Lucia

Hi Ms. Lucia,

I have a friend that I began to have feelings for. At first I tried to fight them and stay away from him, but eventually I gave in and slept with him.

We have been having sex for five months, but it doesn’t seem as if he’s interested in anything more. I once asked him, “Who I am to you?” and he coldly answered, “Friend…only a friend.” So I asked him why we were sleeping together and he couldn’t answer me.

I am in love with him and I don’t know what to do since he keeps insisting we are just friends, but by his actions, we are more than that.

We have a lot of common friends, so I can’t just walk away and forget him. They all think that we are having a relationship. Please tell me what to do. Ramona

Hi Ramona,

I always advise looking at a person’s actions before their words; however, in this case, the words count just as much, if not more. Guys try desperately to stay out of the friend zone if they are interested in dating, so if someone is saying they are just a friend, believe it!

He didn’t want to answer why you’re sleeping together because he knew you wouldn’t like the answer and may possibly put an end to the situation. He’s sleeping with you because you’ve allowed him to, without asking for anything more. It’s commitment free sex. Not too many guys are going to turn that down.

If you’re seeing someone and you have to ask, “Who am I to you?” then the answer is probably, “No one I’m really serious about”. If a guy is interested, you will definitely know. If you have to ask, then he’s probably not that interested.

His actions are not saying you are more than friends, but you are interpreting them that way because that’s what you want to believe.

What should you do? You can continue to sleep with him, with the false hope that it will lead to a relationship. You can continue to sleep with him while dating other guys and then end it when you meet someone who wants what you want, or you can just go back to being friends and not having sex.

The right choice is usually the one that’s the hardest one to follow through on. As usual, you have the power to decide what you will do.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I was just wondering how to talk to a guy, what to say. Sometimes when we are talking there’s an awkward silence! What should we talk about when we are texting? Should I say I want to talk about our relationship or do guys hate that? We will be going to the mall. Should I hold his hand? Blu

Hi Blu,

I’m glad you wrote to me. I can tell from your questions that you’re either a teenager or in your early 20s. Yet, the questions you ask are in the minds of women twice your age. Hopefully I can stop you now from getting into bad habits.

If you’re concerned about awkward silences, then have a list in your mind of things to talk about. Do not discuss the relationship. What’s to discuss? I know that any relationship discussions are going to be about you wanting to know where it’s going. However, if you follow my advice, you will know where it’s going, because the guy will want to see you and talk to you as much as possible.

I know your generation is into communicating via texting, however it is too impersonal and makes you too accessible. This is not a good thing when you are trying to establish a romantic relationship. So, even though it goes against what all your friends are doing, I would keep texting to an absolute minimum. It should mainly be used for logistics – I’m running late, do you want me to pick something up for you at the store, etc. Once in a while you can have a very brief conversation with just 3 or 4 exchanges. If nothing else, you will at least stand out in his mind as not being like all the other girls! Yes, that’s a good thing!

Finally, in terms of the PDA, you need to let the man (or the boy in this case) initiate any form of public affection. Some guys don’t feel comfortable with PDA, so you don’t want to put them in the position of trying to untangle themselves from you.

Your questions all come from a place of feeling you need to be pro-active, but you don’t. Females are meant to receive. You don’t need to initiate anything. You just need to show up with a smile, look good, smell good, sound good and Mother Nature will do the rest.

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Written by: Lucia

A few years ago on my way to Hawaii, I chatted with the girl seated next to me.  When I gave her my card and she saw that I was a dating expert, she began to tell me about the relationship with her fiance.

She expressed to me her doubts that he was the right man for her. Even though she was 7 months pregnant and he was 40 years old, he still went out in the evening to clubs, while she was home alone. She finished by saying that despite everything, she lived in a beautiful home with him. I said to her: If you’re with the right person, it doesn’t matter where you live. You’d be happy to live in a hut, as long as you can be together. If you’re with the wrong person, it also doesn’t matter where you live – you still won’t be happy. She agreed.

This “Hut test” stayed with me throughout my vacation in Maui and Honolulu. I was with a platonic friend and every day I wished I could have been there with a love interest. Yes, the islands are exquisite and you can’t help but have a great time in a place with perfect 80 degree temperatures every day, clean air, balmy breezes and a lush landscape.

However, I realized that what gives a place its magic is the person you’re with. Everyone who visits Hawaii will have a different experience depending on who is there with them. I know it would not have been the same vacation if I had been there with someone I was romantically involved with. I have great memories of my trip and will never forget it, especially since I took so many photos, but I know it would have taken on a whole new meaning if I had been there with someone else.

This is why, especially after a breakup, a coffee shop, park or even a library suddenly takes on special meaning – because of the good memories associated with it. On the other hand, you could be in a 10 room mansion, a limo or on a private jet with your partner, but if you are not happy, these places will not hold a special meaning for you. If anything, they’ll be reminders of what you don’t have. You’ll be there thinking about someone else you’d rather be with.

Take the “Hut test”. If you had to, could you live in a hut with the person you’re currently involved with?  Would you live anywhere with them, go anywhere with them, as long as you could be together? Great! They’re probably the one. If not, then they’re probably not for you.

Is what you’re getting by being with them worth what you’re giving up – time and energy that could be better spent on other things or people? Time lost can never be gotten back. As you become more “woke,” you’ll begin to realize that to waste even one day is to not understand how valuable life is. Before you spend another minute in an unhappy situation, give yourself the “Hut test”. One day you’ll look back and be glad you did.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

There is so much information out there these days about how to behave when you’re dating someone that I’m starting to get confused. Some of it is even contradictory that I don’t know what to believe. Do you have something easy I can keep in mind so that I can get and keep a partner? Alessandra

Hi Alessandra,

I know what you mean. Too much analysis leads to paralysis! I do have a way to simplify everything.

There can be no love without respect. You can’t love someone you don’t respect and if someone doesn’t respect you, they won’t fall in love/stay in love either.

This means that when you are trying to figure out how to handle a situation, ask yourself:  If I do/don’t do or say/don’t say this, will I gain respect or lose respect in their eyes? Your goal is to always have the person see you as someone they hold in the utmost esteem.

A woman I know was falling in love with a man until she saw him yelling at one of his employees and being rude to someone in the supermarket. It was downhill from there.

A lot of the dating advice is really about getting and keeping the other person’s respect. This is why you often hear that you should not call back or text back right away, not be available at the last minute for a date, not ask questions such as, “Where were you?” “Why didn’t you call me” Where is this going, etc.

Everyone wants to feel they have a prize, someone valuable.  If your words or actions are not going to add value, then say/do it.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I’m dating a guy who is a kind and caring person, but the problem is that he spends most of the time with his mother. When she calls, he will jump. She can call at night and ask him to pick her up from her friend’s house and he will go. I don't want him to ignore her or stop being a good person, but hey, it’s too much.

How can I change things? I don't want him to see me as a bad person. It’s my understanding that mothers must cut the cord before the son meets with a woman but it looks like his mother hasn't or doesn't want to. Angel

Hi Angel,

There is good news and bad news about “Mama’s boys”. The good is of course that they love their mother, a trait every smart woman looks for in a man. Because of this, they tend to treat women well.

The bad news is that either he, his mother or both of them have not cut the apron strings.  That means she may feel threatened and therefore not approve of anyone he is dating, fearing that she will no longer be the priority.

Debra Mandel, Ph.D., says, “While you might find it odd that he’s calling or even visiting his mother daily, the frequency of contact a guy has with his mom doesn’t determine how healthy or unhealthy his attachment is to her. What does, however, is the quality of the contact. If both mom and son have mutual respect for one another and have set good boundaries with each other, their talking everyday may not be something worth your concern. On the other hand, while mom and son may not see or talk to one another very often, if he can’t make a decision in his life without her approval or validation, that’s a sign of a seriously unhealthy attachment.”

You need to determine which one it is. Some people would recommend setting boundaries, but I don’t believe in trying to change people, especially men. They change when they’re ready to change. In this case, you either accept the situation, or find yourself a man who’s ready to make you, not his mother, his priority.