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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I recently moved in with a guy I was dating. I went to grab some of his laundry out of his basket and found a pair of women’s panties. He swears he didn't know they were there and is really angry at me for not believing him.

Also, I can't tell if he is over his ex, with whom he has a child. He talks about her and gets mad if I say anything negative about her. I feel sick about this and I don't know what to believe. Is he telling the truth? Toni

Dear Toni,

One of the biggest mistakes people make in dating is getting into a relationship with someone who isn't over their ex.  This rarely works out.

What’s important here is not the panties, but his reaction to you finding them. He got defensive.

This tells me something’s probably going on. Think about it. If he found something that made it seem like you were up to something but you weren’t, would you get angry? If you were innocent, you’d probably be surprised and say you didn’t know anything, in a calm, normal tone of voice.

However, if you had something to hide, you’d get defensive (i.e. angry) to try to make the other person feel guilty and thus stop asking questions.

I once found a strand of long, dark hair in the bed of a guy I was dating. Since I’m a blonde, I knew it wasn’t mine. I got the same response as you. He didn’t know whom it belonged to or how it got there and how dare I not believe him. I later found out he was seeing someone else, and what do you know, she had long, dark hair.

At the moment you have what we call “circumstantial evidence”. It looks like something could be/have been going on but it’s not absolutely certain. The panties and his reaction are warning signs, an orange flag. Keep your eyes open for more “flags” and if something similar happens again, you need to think about moving out.

An intimate relationship is supposed to be a safe haven. It should be a place where you know someone has your back, not where you need to watch your back.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

Why is it that in every aspect of my life I'm level headed, except when it comes to men...I hold onto ones that I should let go of. How do I stop doing this?  Nancy

Dear Nancy,

Don’t be so hard on yourself. No one is level headed when it comes to love. This is because logic and emotions operate on two different levels.

Logically, you may know something to be true (you need to let go of someone) but emotionally you don’t believe it. This may be what Einstein was referring to when he said, “Imagination is more important than knowledge”.

The way to not have men in your life that aren’t right for you is to have a list of what you expect before you will be with a guy: job, car, emotionally available, etc. Otherwise, you may end up being with someone simply because they were nice to you in the beginning and you chose to overlook what was missing.

Don’t play hard to get, be hard to get. When you finally decide to take life seriously and play big, you will no longer be interested in people who play small.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I’m writing in response to your article about “Why Guys Don’t Call”.

Guys don't call because it is almost a weird turn off to a girl if you do call exactly as you say you will. A lot of ladies interpret a guy who seems to be able to call regularly and always on time as a loser who probably has nothing better to do than to call THEM, the ONLY woman in his life. Women love it when a man doesn’t call, they start thinking "Oh no maybe he is with another woman. What is stopping him from calling me? etc.."

Then the competitive edge and insecurity kicks in and she starts thinking "What can I do to get him?" or “Why does someone or something else have his attention and not me....” then the whole obsession begins! Adam

Hi Adam,

Unfortunately, I have to agree with you for the most part, but I would like to make one observation. You used the words “girl, ladies and women”. These three terms are not interchangeable. A “girl” will see a guy that’s reliable as a “loser” but a “woman” will not put up with a man who isn’t reliable.

Men have to decide whether they are looking for a girl or are ready for a woman. If you call when you say you will and the female is turned off, then you know you are dealing with a girl. If you don’t call when you say you will and the female calls you on it, then you know you are dealing with a woman. The choice is yours.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I'm sleeping with this guy who I originally got involved with because I knew he was not the type to commit to one girl. I just wanted sex with no strings attached.

Now we're hanging out, cuddling and spending the night together. He's the one initiating all of this and I'm starting to like him. I think he feels the same way, but it's so hard to read through the game and I know the game because I've done it too.

Should I break it off before I end up having feelings for him and getting hurt? Or, should I keep doing what we're doing and see if his actions are really sincere? Lost in L.A.

Dear Lost,

Women are supposed to bond with the men they have sex with. Nature made it this way in order to ensure the woman would stay with the man long enough to procreate. In this era of booty calls, friends with benefits and sex with no strings attached, women are learning the hard way that it’s not always possible to keep casual sex, well, casual.

Dr. Pat Allen, in her book “Getting to I Do”, says that casual sex in a normal woman triggers a bonding that verges on physical addiction. She continues, “This is due to a sexually stimulated hormone called oxytocin…which triggers orgasm. Soon the sound of his voice, the look on his face, the touch of his hands…become intensely associated with the addictive pleasure that oxytocin brings, and keeps “her” bonded to “him”. In other words, oxytocin (not to be confused with the drug oxycotin) makes you feel good about the person who causes the hormone to be released. I guess this would account for some women’s bad choice of partners.

You ask if you should break it off before you end up having feelings for him. I hate to tell you, but you already have feelings for him. There are two ways of dealing with this situation – directly or indirectly.

If you choose the former, then you need to find out how he feels about you. I would ask him when you are “hanging out and cuddling”. If he says he wants to keep things as they are, then you need to decide if you can live with that. Sure he may not be telling the truth or he may change his mind, but how much time, energy and emotion do you want to waste to find out?

If you choose the latter, then he should not sleep over anymore. Sleeping over can ruin a perfectly good booty call. This privilege should only be reserved for boyfriends. Also, you need to start dating (though not necessarily sleeping with) other guys and make sure he knows it. If he does have feelings for you, he won’t want you to date others and will step up to the plate.

You can lie to him about what type of relationship you want, but please don’t lie to yourself. Most guys will say they don’t want to commit to one girl, until they find that one girl they do want to commit to. Once you’re on the booty call list, it’s not easy to get off (so to speak).

Is it possible for some women to keep things casual when it comes to sex? Absolutely, but they are generally the exception that proves the rule. Make sure you know which category you're in before you decide to go against nature.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I want a boyfriend. Is that bad? I don't need one but I want one. I want a guy who treats me well and respects me; someone who I have a lot in common with. I tend to date jerks. Any ideas on where I can find a guy like that?  Melissa I.

Dear Melissa,

Join the club. All women ultimately want someone who treats them with respect and with whom they have a lot in common. Yet, for the most part, we all go through a phase where we date jerks, bad boys and players. This seems inevitable. It’s like a fire we have to walk through in order to get to the other side.

What is the other side? Appreciating someone who is there for us, is actually nice to us, calls when he says he will and shows up for a date.

Why are you dating jerks?

The bottom line is, because you want to. It’s like asking:  Why do I keep eating chocolate cake when I want to lose weight? When you finally get to the point where you have enough self respect and self love, you will stop dating jerks, stop eating chocolate cake, stop getting drunk, etc. Hopefully you’ll get to that point sooner rather than later.