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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I met a guy at a party and gave him my number. It took him a week to call me.  Does that mean he’s not really interested? Dorothy

Hi Dorothy,

It could actually go either way. 

Guys have been taught by "experts" that they should wait as long as possible (minimum 3 days) to call someone they've just me.  They're told that they will stand out from all the other guys who usually call within a day or two and the woman will be more intrigued.

Well, I don’t agree. I think there are other ways to stand out. When a guy waits that long, it sends out a big smoke signal that he’s interested but he’s playing games. Fine, let the games begin.

Here’s how you handle this situation. You met John at a party and he finally calls/texts after a week. This is how the conversation should go:

John: Hi, it’s John.
You: …(pause) John?
John: Yeah! We met at Chris’s party last Friday.
You: Oh, you’re the veterinarian!
John: No, I’m the lawyer.
You:…(pause) Oh, I remember now. Hi. How are you!

This way, you let him think you weren’t sitting around wondering why he was taking so long to call. See how it can backfire on him if you handle it this way?

There is of course always the possibility that he was undecided about whether to call and finally decided to try it.  The other possibility is that he is casually seeing someone else and wrestled with the idea of whether he should call or not.

Some people may say maybe he was busy.  I don't buy it.  If a guy is really interested, he won't be able to stop himself from reaching out sooner rather than later.  Everyone has time to send a quick text at the very least.

Any way you look at it, when a guy waits too long to call, it’s rarely a good sign. If he was intrigued with you, he’d want to speak to you and see you as soon as possible. Proceed with caution.

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Written by: Lucia

I recently interviewed an up and coming 20 year old actor named “Chris”. At the time he had been in L.A. for about 3 months and had already bedded over 10 women, ranging in ages from 23-30.  Most of these women had sex with him the night/week they met. Here is a partial transcript of our session:

Lucia: What do you think of girls that are willing to have sex with you right away?

Chris: I don’t understand why they’re willing to have sex with me the night we meet. I think it’s weird. When you go home with a girl, you know she’s not “the one”. You don’t wanna be with a girl that’s gonna do that. You know right off that’s not the girl you wanna be with. Guys love challenges and when a girl doesn’t give it up right away, a guy is gonna keep trying.

Lucia: How do you decide whether you’re going to see them again?

Chris: You’re not thinking about whether you’re gonna see them again. I give them my number, but I don’t take theirs. I figure, if they wanna see me again, they’ll call.

Lucia: What makes you want to see a girl again?

Chris: If she’s really good looking, has a good body and is really good in bed, I’ll wanna see her again.

Lucia: How long do these “relationships” usually last?

Chris: They’re usually over in a week or two. There’s no challenge.

Lucia: Do you ever go out or is it just about sex?

Chris: I don’t usually take these girls out, I don’t really want to. If I don’t see it going anywhere, I’m not gonna take them out. Some of them would have had potential to be more than booty calls if they hadn’t slept with me right away.

Lucia: What has your experience been with actresses?

Chris: I think a lot of the actresses here are crazy, chemically imbalanced.

Lucia: Tell me about one of your experiences.

Chris: I met T. at a grocery store and invited her to come with me and my friends to a party we were going to. She joined us and I ended up going home with her that night. I was at her apt. every day for a week, then we had a fight and she started screaming at me. I broke it off but she keeps calling.

Lucia: Have any of these relationships lasted longer than a week or two?

Chris: I dated K. for about a month. She’s a go-go dancer I met at a club and we hooked up the day after we met. We would just go out for drinks and have lots of sex. Eventually I got sick of her. I knew I wasn’t in love.

Lucia: Is there anyone you’re interested in at the moment?

Chris: There’s a girl I knew back east when I was a teenager. I haven’t seen or spoken to her in 2 ½ years but I’ve thought about her everyday.

Lucia: Why are you attracted to her?

Chris: I’m intimidated by her. I’m very self conscious around her. She has morals, she’s gorgeous, smart and doesn’t take sh*t from anyone. You don’t want a girl that you keep treating like crap but she keeps coming back. That’s not a strong girl.

Lucia: Did you have sex with her on the first night?

Chris: We’ve never had sex.

My conclusion:  When women have sex on the first night, they can see what they’re getting but they can't see what they’re losing.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

Two weeks ago I broke up with someone who I was with for two months. I think I made every mistake a person can make - letting it move too fast, seeing him almost every day, telling him I love him.

When he would say "In my country, women are this way" or "A Romanian woman would never do that", I would tend to slip on what I would put up with. I would never have accepted his behavior from an American man.

The first month was great, and of course the second month everything disintegrated.

We go to the same very small grad school. How do I deal now with seeing him? I broke it off with him because he was chatting with women online in front of me. How do I restore my dignity? I’ve learned to stick to my standards regardless of where a person is from. Elisabeth

Dear Elisabeth,

Realizing that you must stick to your standards is a lesson that everyone must eventually learn. Do you know why the people we are into never seem to be into us and vice versa? Because we behave differently (change our standards) with someone we really like. I know it’s hard to avoid doing this, but if you can, it will be well worth it.

When we like someone a lot, we tend to not enforce our boundaries and will let them get away with things we normally wouldn’t allow with someone we weren’t that into. That was why you moved too fast, saw him every day and, ugh, told him you loved him.

The best way to handle the situation is to be polite and friendly (but not too friendly) when you run into him. If he should stop to chat, don’t bring up the past and if he brings it up say, “That’s ancient history” and change the subject.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I'm in a situation where I need to know if I should I stay or go with this friendship/relationship.

5 weeks ago he called and asked me to take out a loan for $1000. I could not believe it. I told him no.

He blew up my phone because I did not do what he asked.

I'm 40 years old and I don't have any outstanding debt. I'm a single mom, homeowner with two girls ages 19 and 16. I paid off three credit cards and my Honda. He knows now that I have good credit and extra money. He filed for chapter 13 last year.

He cursed me out for not following his plan when it came to my money. His plan? This is MY money to do whatever. Is this the kinda guy a woman should keep a friendship/relationship with? A.K.S.

Dear A.K.S.

Your letter is a bit scary (okay, it’s very scary) because you have been alive for 4 decades, have 2 teenagers and still need to ask whether it’s okay to keep this “kinda” guy around. Sure, as a booty call.

I want everyone reading this to listen up!

Never, ever lend someone you’re dating more than a few hundred dollars at a time. I’m willing to allow this small amount of money because I understand things happen, however, don’t let the amount build up. If they get an attitude about it, that’s a big, red flag.

He is obviously fiscally irresponsible, so how could you trust him to ever pay you back? And then he curses you out because you’re not his puppy dog doing whatever he wants? Someone using profanity towards you is always a red flag, but in this situation, I think it’s a black flag!

I suggest you cut off all communication with this loser immediately and permanently. Nothing good can come out of having him in your life, not to mention the fact that you will be setting a very bad example for your daughters.

I’ve made a lot of mistakes with dating and relationships, but I never made the mistake of lending a guy too much money (and $1000 is usually too much, unless you’re a millionaire).

My fear of not having enough money has always been greater than my fear of not having a guy. May I suggest you adopt my attitude and you will never be ripped off.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I've been with my guy friend for 12 months now. At first he wasn't ready to go the next level, but now he is. I'm shocked and still think I'm dreaming. What brings a couple closer? Ms. Sha.

Dear Ms. Sha,

Several factors are involved in bringing two people closer together.

Once it’s been established that there is a mutual physical attraction, a mental and emotional connection also needs to build. This comes over time through doing fun activities together. You get to see how the person handles themselves in a variety of situations, both good and bad. You will either gain more respect for them and thus grow to love them (you can’t have love without respect, otherwise, it’s just lust) or you will decide they’re not for you.

To build a mental connection you need to have occasional long talks about yourselves, your lives, your hopes and dreams, your ideals, your fears, etc.

For an emotional connection to exist, there has to be a high level of trust, so that the other person can open up and discuss their feelings, without fear of being judged or having those feelings used against them.

Two people rarely arrive at the same place (mentally and emotionally) simultaneously, so my best advice would be to not try to rush things, because that rarely works.