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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I’ve been dating this guy for about 1½ months. What is the best way to break up with him without hurting him too much?  I know he'll be hurt no matter what but should I just be simple and say "I can't date you anymore".  Problem is, he goes to the same small events as I do.  I don't mind seeing him there and don't want him to stop going because of me. 

There are no bad feelings on my part but he's falling for me and won't take it well.  He's very immature, which is the main reason we can't even stay friends. 

Part of me would like to explain why I want to stop seeing him but I don't want get into a complaint fest and I’m not sure if he's open to hearing anything.  Is it better to lie and say I'm dating someone else? 

I keep getting different comments from both men and women on this subject.  The men said “Don't say that you met someone else but be more honest.  The women said either tell him what's wrong or just say something simple.  Marnie

Dear Marnie,

I’ll have to side with some of the women on this one. Being honest and telling him he’s immature is not going to suddenly make him mature. He is who he is, and you’re not a match.

There is no way to break up with someone without hurting them, if they have feelings for you. However you’re not responsible for his feelings; he can choose to react however he wants to.

I would say something like:  You're a great guy but I have to be honest.  This isn't working for me.  I don't feel a connection so I'm going to move on.  There are no hard feelings on my part.

Don't get sucked into a conversation about what's wrong.  Just say you've made up your mind and wish him well.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 months. We met a year ago as we were living in the same flat. 3 months later we started seeing each other and soon afterward began living together in my room.

Things are great between us. He is so caring, thoughtful and does a lot of nice things for me, but he does not love me. This shows only when it comes to making love. He never wants to kiss, but goes straight for sex. If he does kiss me, it's probably mainly because I have told him that it bothers me.

Just recently, he wanted to make love again without kissing, and that was the last time, as I exploded and we are now on a break. We had a discussion about it, and he said it is mainly because he has not fallen in love with me. He said he was not ready for a relationship from the start, and that our relationship has progressed too fast.

I agree with him, as we never dated, or have been away too long from each other. The break has proved to be successful, as we both miss each other. He always tells me I am his best, he can't live without me etc.

If my boyfriend did not have all the good qualities he does, if he did not do all the nice things for me, I would say our relationship was only sexual, as we are unable to move to the next stage, which would be the deeper, emotional feeling stage.

I do not want to bring up the issue again, but I fear that I am unable to fall in love with a man who does not kiss me. I believe he will not fall in love with me if I do not take some kind of action. As we have to live together for another year, I am considering leaving him then if things do not improve. What are your thoughts? Arietta

Hi Arietta,

Wow, you’re willing to wait a whole year?  You’re very patient.

I’m sorry but I don’t believe the reason he’s not kissing you is because he’s not in love with you. That actually sounds like something a woman might say. Maybe he’s not into kissing or maybe there is some other reason?

You need to ask yourself how important this issue is to you, compared to all the nice things you say he does for you. Is it worth being with him but not kissing during sex or is this a deal breaker?

You have two choices – either accept this or move on, but do not simply tolerate it, or you will drive yourself crazy.

If you decide you want to move on, you can continue to see your guy if you like, but start to date other guys. Who knows, you may soon meet someone you like, who would be more than happy to kiss you before, during and after sex and your problem will be solved.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

Would it be wrong to tell a guy I had one date with that I like him and find him attractive? Julie

Dear Julie,

Yes, it would be very wrong! You are hoping that by telling him you like him, he will like you in return. Sorry, it doesn’t work that way.

You need the 3 C’s: Confidence, control and challenge.

By revealing your feelings so soon, you are killing mystery and challenge. Guys need to feel as if they have won a prize. This is one of the resons why they are into sports and video games. They will not think you have high value if you are such an easy conquest.

You also show that you have no self-control, because you feel the need to show your “hand” right away. If you can’t control yourself at this stage of the game, he sub-consciously wonders how you will be able to control yourself with him in the future when things start getting more serious.

Not having self-control also shows a lack of confidence. Both sexes find a confident partner very attractive.

As you can see, by not following the three “C’s”, you will quickly eliminate any attraction on his part. Show you care, but don’t say it yet!

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

Online dating sucks!  All the guys I've met show up dressed down, wearing baseball caps. A couple of them have been late. The last date I went on had bad breath.

It seems like the dates I had in high school and college were more put together than the ones I have been going out with.

They are always asking me where I want to go on the date. Shouldn't the guy be putting a plan together? Also, they are always giving me their phone number and telling me to call them. Call me old fashioned, but I think that's a turnoff.

They text and e-mail more than they even call on the phone anymore.

Are these deal breakers? Should I stop meeting guys online?  Am I losing it? Jessica

Hi Jessica,

No, you’re not losing it.  Many, many women have the same complaints.

Welcome to the "wonderful" world of modern dating. All the things you mentioned are certainly annoying, but they’re not deal breakers.

Here’s the solution: In your profile, be specific about the type of man you’re looking for by addressing the issues you mentioned in your email.

Here’s an example, which you are welcome to use:

"I admire a man who likes to impress his date by being on time and well dressed with fresh breath. I appreciate a man who likes to take charge and decide where we will go for our first date. I adore a man who believes in pursuing a woman the old fashioned way – by calling her and keeping text and email messages to a minimum."

By stating what you are looking for in a positive manner and using words such as admire, appreciate and adore, you come across as classy and confident.

Any man reading this will understand that you know what you want, and if they can’t live up to it, will probably move on to the next profile.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I had been seeing a guy for about a month. My attraction toward him was pretty strong early on. He seemed to be the perfect man on every level. He is smart, educated, owns his own businesses, is a world traveler and cooks. He was polite, attentive and a gentleman.

The first 3-4 weeks were awesome. One thing that stood out about him was that he was very good about keeping in touch with me.

After each date I would get a text message within hours or would get random ones in the morning wishing me a great day. I would see him about 2x a week, until he had to go out of the country for business. While he was out of the country, he constantly kept in touch with me through texts, saying he couldn’t wait to see me and would be coming home early.

He got back on a Wednesday and left me both a phone and a text message. Everything seemed back to normal. On Friday night I got a call that I couldn't take. He left a message saying he missed me and has a lot of work to do but he would get a hold of me over the weekend. And that he didn't do. By Monday I was really worried so I called and left a message.

It had been 3 days of silence and all I got was a text response 3 hours later saying that he was still working. He finally called and left a message the next day. He did not say anything about getting together, which was unusual for him.

The day after, when he had already been back for a week, I called him back and we chatted like old friends. Again, he did not mention going out.

So I said: You have your priorities straight. You are a businessman and I admire that. I would never ask you to give up work or feel bad about not spending enough time with me. I certainly don't want you to feel that you have to call me if you don't want to. But I realize that with your schedule, this is going to happen all the time. I know myself and I know that I need more attention than this. I know that in the long run this sort of behavior will bother me a great deal. I prefer to get out in the beginning before I get too involved or emotionally attached to you.

He didn't really try to convince me otherwise. He said he didn’t want to make promises he couldn’t deliver. He apologized about working too hard and not communicating with me but at that point it was too late. I knew what I needed to be happy in a relationship and I knew he couldn't give that to me.

Do you think I did the right thing? Adriana

Hi Adriana,

The answer to your question is yes and no.

It’s wrong to ask for more time because that is the equivalent of begging. A guy should be dying to see you, especially when he’s just gotten back from an international trip. The fact that he didn’t, means that he was not as “into you” as you were into him. This doesn’t mean the relationship could not eventually have progressed to that stage.

I believe it was simply too soon for him and he chose other people/things before you.

This is why I suggest dating several men at the same time – that way you don’t get too hung up on any one guy too soon. His actions wouldn’t have bothered you as much if you were busy dating others.

Having said that, at the end of the day, you have to do what you feel is best for you. While I would not have had a problem with his ambiguity and would simply have seen it as a cautionary flag, your personality is such that you felt you needed to end it.

So, while I don’t recommend doing what you did, your decision was right for you and therefore you did the right thing.