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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

This guy at my gym flirts with me whenever he sees me. He’s always very complimentary, telling me how beautiful I am and once he even said, “I want a woman who looks just like you”. My first thought was: Why not me?

Despite all this flirtation, we’ve never gone out. He mentioned it casually once and I said yes, but he never followed through. I thought I would take matters into my own hands and ask him to meet up with me and my friends at a night club. He said he would, but didn’t come. What should I do? Alex

Hi Alex,

French author and journalist Max O’Rell said, "Flirtation is attention without intention."  This guy definitely sounds interested, but is unwilling to take things to the next level. This usually means a guy is afraid of being rejected or already attached – married, engaged or girlfriend.

Since you’ve clearly shown interest by saying yes when he asked you out and then inviting him out yourself, it’s probably the latter reason.

Maybe he’s a flirt and says the same thing to many women, or maybe he’s sincerely interested but isn’t willing or able to go out with you.

I know it’s frustrating, but there’s actually nothing more you can do at this point. Even though his words say one thing, his actions show he’s unwilling to act on them.

The foundation of any strong relationship is friendship. Continue to engage in playful conversations with him and let him see you’re a cool girl. At some point in the future, if and when he becomes available, you’re sure to be at the top of his list.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I'm writing because I need an excellent strategist to help me.  I am in love with a very difficult man. He is impossible to talk to. My goal is to marry this wonderful man and have children with him.

I’ve been working in a night club for years and this man is a customer. We got together in November of 2017. The intensity of feelings caught us both by surprise. Within days we were crazy about each other. I thought I had finally found true love. Skeptical as I am, I never thought this would be possible.

Then he left the country – he lives on another continent. We never spoke on the phone. He sent me a text once stating that he missed me.

He came back in April of 2018 and again he said he missed me and that he wants me in his life. He said that all the people he knows always take energy from him and I was the only one who gave him energy. We had phone sex that night. Three days later he left without having gotten together.

I tried to call him but he didn’t respond. I sent texts. Sometimes he responded, sometimes he didn’t.

The next time he was in town we met and made love. The next morning he was gone.

Two months later he came back and met me immediately upon his arrival. The next day he missed our lunch date and didn’t bother to call. That night he called at 2am to say he was with a friend of the family all day.

Two weeks later he came back and sent me a text saying he missed me a lot and couldn’t wait to see me. This was his longest text ever. I said I felt the same. He didn’t contact me for days. We ran into each other at a night club but he started dancing with another girl. The next day he left.

I wrote this “novel” to explain how short our communication always was, but how intense our meetings always were. I need to know how to get him.

Do I have a chance with this man?? I am willing to do what it takes – play games, move continents, change jobs, anything. I have never loved anyone like this before. I would like to know what to do. Sophia

Hi Sophia,

Wow. What a soap opera. I felt like I was reading a romance novel, but without the romance.

I want you to read the first paragraph of your email to me. You’re in love with a difficult man who is impossible to talk to? Does that sound like a great life partner?

You hardly know this guy. You’ve had a few interactions; he barely keeps in touch when he’s not in town and you’ve had sex a few times, which always clouds everything.

I think you’re in love with the feeling of being in love. Yes, it’s a great feeling. However, in order for it to work the feeling has to be mutual.

I’m sorry, but I think there’s very little you can do. It’s hard enough to keep a long distance relationship going if the person is in another city, but this guy is not only on another continent, he has clearly shown that he has a very low interest level.

Enjoy the time you do spend with him and rejoice in the fact that you’re able to feel such intense feelings, however, keep in mind he doesn’t feel the same.  Things may change in the future, but for now, that's the situation.

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Written by: Lucia

I have been dating this guy for 7 months. He is a great guy and we have fun together but I don't know where I stand in the relationship.

He was in a long relationship with his ex about 5 months before he met me and I could tell there was still some ex issues that he needed to get over. We seem to have gotten past that.

My issue is him not calling me enough. He works all week in another town, so the weekends are the only time I have to spend with him. I have accepted that I would only get two days with him a week, (and that is a maybe depending on if he has to work that weekend or if his job is in a town even further than usual. He works in a construction company).

When he is gone, he doesn't call or text and it bothers me that I don’t even cross his mind while he is away. He would go a whole week, sometimes more without calling me. We have discussed this numerous times, and I even broke up with him once over it. It makes me feel like I don’t mean that much to him. When we are together, everything is great. Then he leaves and nothing. I don’t expect a call everyday or need him to stay on the phone with me for hours. I’m even okay, with the occasional text just to say hello. Just call me!

I feel that I mean something to him, because when I broke up with him, he broke his neck to come over and make it up to me. He explained to me that he is not a phone person and that he doesn’t even call his mother that often. He said that I mean so much to him and I have the most respect of any woman other than his mother. He tells me that he cares a lot about me, and honestly I feel like he does. For the first time in a relationship, I trust that he does not date other girls. I never felt that he was cheating or seeing anyone else. He just doesn’t call me! That’s our only problem and it bothers me so much.

The last time I saw him, he was supposed to visit me one weekend and never showed up or called. When he eventually called, I didn’t answer, which I always do. I ignored him for 5 days. It drove him crazy and he blew up my phone all day. He left work and drove down in the middle of the week. He came over to my house, picked me up and took me out to dinner

He left the next day and I haven’t heard from him since. Should I break up with him? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Jane

Dear Jane,

When I first read your email, I was confused. I thought, “If he’s her boyfriend and is willing to see her almost every weekend, why won’t he keep in touch during the week?” Then I realized I’d forgotten one of my golden rules: When something doesn’t add up or make sense, 9 times out of 10, it’s because there is someone else involved.

Sorry to have to break it to you, but I believe this guy is leading a double life. He is either living with someone or married. That’s why he doesn’t want to keep in touch when he’s out of town. He’s minimizing the risk of being caught. He then tells the other woman that he has to work out of town on the weekends and comes to see you. On the weekends when he has to be home, he tells you he can’t see you that weekend.

When you didn’t answer the phone, the only reason he drove down during the week was because he doesn’t want to lose his “side dish”. I think you know what you have to do.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia

Three weeks ago I ran into a guy I had met a year earlier through mutual friends. I had just turned 36 and was depressed. We talked and then did the wild thing. The sex was fantastic.

We’ve met at the bar 3 more times and always end up at his house. The last time even he commented that it was mind blowing. Now I’ve talked to friends who all say he’s great guy. I wish I’d held out. Is it possible to change a hook up to a potential relationship?  Linda

Hi Linda,

If I had a penny for every time I’ve heard this question, well, I’d have a lot of pennies…

The bottom line is that with some guys it will be possible, but with others, it won’t be. That is one of the negatives of hooking up. If you start to have feelings for the other person and they’ve locked you into the booty call category, there won’t be much hope of getting out.

Men do not necessarily want a committed relationship as a result of mind blowing sex - they are wired differently than women. In her book The Female Brain, neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine cites: Males have double the brain space and processing power devoted to sex as women…Just as women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion while men have a small country road, men have O’Hare Airport as a hub for processing thoughts about sex whereas women have the airfield nearby that lands small and private planes.”

This means men are driven to have sex whether it means something or not. On the other hand, when women have sex, they generally want it to mean something, whether they know that the first time they have sex with a new guy or they come to realize it later, as was the case with you.

What should you do?

First of all, ask yourself, do you really want a relationship with him or is it just because the sex is great? Unfortunately, great sex doesn’t always add up to a great relationship and vice versa. Is he a good long term prospect or are your emotions clouding the issue?

Secondly, do you have enough shared interests, values and great communication that a long term commitment would even be possible? He may be a great guy, but not a great guy for you.

If you’re still interested in trying to turn this into something more, you need to stay away from him for a while – I’d say 2-3 weeks. This will give him a chance to miss you and wonder where you are. Sherry Argov, author of “Why Men Love Bitches”, claims that mystery is to men what romance is to women.

If he calls you, tell him you’re busy. When you do finally meet up, you’re going to have to be honest and say something like: I love having sex with you but I’d also like to explore the possibility of spending time together outside the bedroom. What do you think?  If he says he doesn’t want a relationship right now, what he’s really saying is that he doesn’t want a relationship with YOU. At that point you need to decide if you’re willing to invest your time in something that may not become something more meaningful down the road or not.

In the future, when you’re tempted to hook up, remember that if women were meant to have sex like men, they would be greater consumers of porn.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I have a steady boyfriend of 6 months that wants to marry me. I am 47 and he is 50 or 51. I think I love him and we seem very compatible. I told him I need a couple months to think about it.

I am secretly in love with a male friend of mine. We have never been more than friends but care for each other a lot, even though he is married. His relationship with her is always on the rocks and I would never do anything to cause a divorce. I never even told him I am in love with him. Debbie

Hi Debbie,

Well, you didn’t ask a question, so I’m going to assume you’re wondering whether you should marry the steady you’ve been dating for a mere six months, whose age you’re not quite sure of, who you think you love but will need a couple of months to consider his proposal because you’re secretly in love with a married male friend.

Hmm, let me think…….

Gee, I guess my answer would be….HELL NO!

If you are not ecstatic about this guy wanting you to be his wife, then you have no desire to fill that position. Two days, two weeks or two months isn’t going to change your mind, unless of course you’re waiting to see what happens with your “friend”. Are you going to base your decision on whether he’s still married at that time? If he is, your current steady would only become your husband by default. Is that fair to him? Would you want to be someone’s second choice as a wife? Besides, how do you know your friend could ever see you as more than that?

You have 3 choices here: 1. End the relationship with your steady and hang around waiting for your friend’s marriage to end, no matter how many years that may take, if ever. 2. End the relationship with your steady and find someone who makes you forget about your friend. 3. Hang in there with this one, see what happens and forget you have feelings for someone that is unavailable.