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- Written by: Lucia
Hi Lucia,
How should I deal with a woman who is always late? We met online and immediately hit it off. However, she was 30 minutes late for our first date, and continues to be between 15-20 minutes late for our dates. We've been dating for a month. J.A.
Hi J.A.,
As someone who appreciates punctuality, I feel for you.
When someone is late the first time, I usually say, “Thanks for being on time” in a lighthearted tone. That way you let them know being punctual is important, without making a big deal out of it.
If someone is continually late, then either plan to be ready 30 minutes later than they said they would arrive or tell them to arrive 30 minutes earlier. If you are meeting them somewhere, you always have the option of leaving after 15 minutes. Actions speak louder than words, and it just may be the wakeup call they need.
If none of those options seem appealing to you, then you may have to bring it up to her and see if she improves. If she's not willing to be more punctual, then you will have to ask yourself if you're willing to date someone who is always late.
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- Written by: Lucia
Hi Lucia,
I met a woman online and when we first met in person, the love bug struck me hard-core, but I kept my cool. She said she did not want to get into a long-term relationship and was only looking to date, hangout etc. I can deal with that because I too date other women.
She also said that she was not looking forward to more dates from men she meets online because they were not cute or interesting. I just listened and did not say much because I did not want to turn into her therapist. I noticed she recently updated her online profile.
My game plan is to have all the other guys pestering her for dates, texting her incessantly, calling nonstop, trying to get her to commit to a relationship to fall by the wayside. The only time I call her is to make a date. I do not chase her via phone call or texting. If she does not hear from me for a couple of days, she will reach out.
On every date, I compliment on how gorgeous she looks, shoes, or accessories.
What I have noticed is she does not ask me about myself.
Another thing that really bothers me is we have yet to kiss. There have been moments where we should have, but I missed the opportunity. I am used to women throwing themselves at me, not working too hard for much attention. However, with her I just have a hunch any physical connection will not be reciprocated.
I think I am in the friend zone.
What should I do? George
Hi George,
Yes, it does sound as if you’re in the friend zone. When a woman is interested, she doesn’t usually announce that’s she just looking to keep things casual. Also, if she’s getting burned out with online dating, why did she update her profile? If anything, she would have deactivated it.
Finally, the fact she doesn’t ask you about yourself is another sign of disinterest; otherwise, she’d want to know all about you.
I think she may have sensed on the first date that you were already as you said, “struck by the love-bug”. You may think you kept your cool, but all it takes is one look and most women can tell that you’re sprung!
Is it possible to get out of the friend zone?
Yes, but you have to be smart about it. First of all, since she has no problem talking to you about the other guys she’s dating, you should also talk about the women you’re dating, but be subtle about it, otherwise it will look like you’re bragging or trying to be manipulative.
Secondly, stop kissing her butt by constantly telling her how beautiful she looks, etc. A word of warning to all guys: Rarely if ever compliment a woman’s shoes. Most men don’t notice them and if they do, it’s usually because they’re gay. You don’t want to give off the wrong impression.
Instead, engage in playful flirting. If she’s wearing a sexy dress, say something like, “Wow. You look so sexy. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to behave myself!”
Finally, you need to go in for that kiss. Stop being a wimp and just go for it. Women want a take-charge kind of guy and if you don’t start stepping up and being that guy, you will remain in the dreaded friend zone.
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- Written by: Administrator
Why do men stay with women that need to be "saved"? Are they being chivalrous or stupid?
Years ago, I remember when Anna Nicole Smith's ex-boyfriend, Larry Birkhead was asked why he continued to stay in a relationship with her despite her drug use. He said he thought he could "save her". He had "knight in shining armor syndrome".
In her book, "Why We Love" author Helen Fisher states, "Millions of years of protecting and providing for women has bred into the male brain this tendency to choose women they feel they need to save. What separates man from animal is his ability to think and reason. Just because it may be natural for men to be chivalrous, it doesn't mean they can't place a limit on just how far they will go."
Should they open a door, pull out a chair, take a woman's hand when crossing the street or give her their jacket if she's cold? Absolutely. Should they try to save a woman whose life is a mess?
They do so at their own peril.
Men try to save damsels in distress because it makes them feel powerful, in control and manly. Sometimes they are afraid of women and think they won't be rejected if they fix a woman's problems. They hide their inadequacies behind what looks like strength. They know they don't have their act together, so instead of working on themselves they'd rather work on someone else.
Such relationships are doomed to fail.
If these men really were strong, they would not be trying to save someone that appears to be a victim. They don't realize that aside from a few circumstances beyond one's control (acts of God, accidents, disease, etc.) one's position in life is based on who they are on the inside, not someone or something "out there". There is an axiom that says: There are no victims, only volunteers.
Knights believe that if the woman gets better, she'll become the perfect girlfriend. The only problem is that if she does become healthy, she will not want to be with someone who is so flawed that he tolerated being with a "broken-winged bird". Healthy people do not want to be with unhealthy people.
On the other hand, if she doesn't get better, the man will never have the perfect girlfriend because he won't get his needs met. In addition, his fears of an intimate relationship will not be repaired by staying with an inadequate woman.
It's a no-win situation.
Why else do men choose damsels in distress? According to Dr. Laura in her book, "Ten Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives" other reasons for "stupid chivalry" are: guilt for past transgressions and lifestyles, feelings of real or imagined inadequacies, fear of the pain of abandonment, loneliness, ego aggrandizement, fears about women's (aka Mom's) approval and acceptance and a fragmented sense of masculinity. If you're currently trying to be a knight in shining armor, what's your reason?
Larry Birkhead's life became chaotic as a result of trying to save a woman whose life was chaotic. Just because a man doesn't acknowledge that a woman is responsible for her circumstances, it doesn't mean those same circumstances won't come back to bite him in the butt.
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- Written by: Administrator
The answer to the question, "Why do women date jerks?" is actually a lot more complicated than one might think.
We're going to have to blame Mother Nature for this seemingly illogical behavior.
If you ask women what type of guy they're looking for, they'll usually say they want someone honest, faithful, ambitious, intelligent, etc. However, what women say they want and what they are usually attracted to is not usually the same thing. Women are attracted to a man's personality above all else, and will use this as a measuring stick of his genetic superiority or lack thereof.
In his book "Sperm Wars", Robin Baker says that humans are biologically driven to ensure their genetic survival. Males want to ensure that their genes inseminate; females want to ensure that they are impregnated by the best possible genes available.
A dominant male personality (jerks fall into this category) is generally preferred over a male that is submissive (otherwise known as a "beta male"). The former is sending an unconscious message that he has great genes and is not afraid of losing the woman by misbehaving. The latter is sending a message that he doesn't think his genes are good enough, so he'll put up with just about anything.
We also need to consider the "Triune Brain Theory".
In 1973, Dr. Paul MacLean, senior research scientist at the National Institute of Mental Health, proposed that the brain is made up of three subdivisions corresponding to three evolutionary eras.
The first, most primal part of the brain is the reptilian. It is responsible for mating and territorial behavior, pecking order, defense, aggression and the emotions of anger and fear.
The second part of the brain to develop was the limbic brain. Love, sadness, jealousy and hope originate here. It controls heartbeat, temperature, blood pressure and the flow of neurotransmitters, all of which are affected by the presence of someone we're attracted to. Sexual stimuli passes directly to it. It is impulsive and instinctual.
It is not receptive to reason and analysis.
The newest part of our brain, the neo-cortex, permits higher functions of logic, thought, language, planning, reasoning and critical judgment.
In "The Emotional Brain", Joseph LeDoux points out that the first two, older brains have a greater influence on the neo-cortex than vice-versa, "making it possible for emotional arousal to dominate and control thinking. Although thoughts can easily trigger emotions we are not very effective at turning emotions off."
This means that the lower limbic system, which rules emotions, hijacks the higher mental functions. It says, "You've found The One". The neo-cortex responds with, "Yes, but he seems to drink too much, I've caught him lying and he doesn't have a job." The limbic says, "I can live with that. He's so handsome and it feels so wonderful when I'm with him."
You can see how even though a woman may say she wants a nice guy, that is not necessarily who she is attracted to. A great example of this is food. Do we make our choices based on what's good for us or on what looks and tastes good? This is what is happening when a woman chooses someone who makes her feel good, but is not good for her.
The solution?
Men need to find a happy medium between being a jerk and a "nice guy". They can be strong and take charge but they also need to know when to be more sensitive and yielding.
Women? They need to date a few jerks to see that the emotional high they get from being with them isn't worth the pain and sadness that ultimately ensues. Only then will they be able to turn the tables on the limbic brain and make a logical choice.
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- Written by: Administrator
Hi Lucia,
I was dating a woman for 1½ years. She kept breaking up with me and finally left me while I was in the hospital. She complained at times maybe I did not give enough compliments, like I was not mushy enough. Then she acted like she wanted money, when she makes more than me.
I kept going after her to get her back, but this time she blocked me from her phone and threatened legal action so I stayed away. I almost still want her back but almost not if she has a new guy.
I recently started to date a woman from work but she lives in another city. She's always busy working 6-7 days a week as well as OT.
How can I get the first woman back and /or how can I get the new one to stay and have a loving relationship? William
Hi William,
The issue is not with the either of the women. The issue is with you! Luckily, that’s something you have total control over, if you’re willing to do something about it.
A woman can’t be attracted to a man she doesn’t respect and a woman can’t respect a man who runs after her every time she breaks up with him. At the most, you could have “gone after her” the first time, to see if things could be worked out. However, continuing to do that every time she left turned you into a doormat, and women are not attracted to doormats, unless they’re the kind you wipe your feet on.
As for the second woman, she’s already in a happy relationship – with her work. Anyone who’s putting that much time into their work usually loves it, and doesn’t want to make time for a partner.
The running theme I see is that you’re attracted to women who are not available, which tells me you’re not available. A person who is serious about being in a relationship doesn’t continue to chase after someone who keeps leaving or have a desire to pursue someone who is a workaholic.
I would suggest some counseling to find out why you’re afraid of intimacy.
