Men

Details: Written by: Lucia

Women say they want a nice guy, yet usually end up dating bad boys. Here’s why:

Not real: Nice guys are too nice. No one can always be that nice unless they’re a saint. They are busy being nice instead of being real and women instinctually don’t trust that. Bad boys “keep it real”. Nice guys don’t want to upset the apple cart.

Respect: No one respects a doormat. Nice guys don’t set boundaries or make any real demands. A bad boy doesn’t let a woman walk all over him or control him. Women can’t respect a man they can control. No respect = No attraction.

Predictable: Most people lead boring, predictable lives, so they’re attracted to people who are exciting and a bit unpredictable. Bad boys are always a challenge. Nice guys are never a challenge. Predictable + No excitement + No challenge = I prefer a bad boy.

Mother Nature: Women are designed to nurture. However, instead of doing this with children, they often end up doing it with bad boys. They think their love will save them. Nice guys rarely need to be saved.

Fixer-Upper: Nice guys don’t usually need to be fixed. Bad boys usually do, so they become a project. Women think if they can “create” the perfect man, he will never leave them. Also, if they’re busy fixing someone else, they don’t have to look at what needs to be fixed in their own lives.

Sperm wars: Women are designed to procreate with the strongest possible genes. Bad boys are sending an unconscious message that they have great genes, so they’re not afraid of losing the woman by misbehaving. Nice guys are sending a message that they don’t think their genes are good enough, so they won’t misbehave.

Fear of intimacy: If a woman is afraid of intimacy, she subconsciously knows she can avoid it with a bad boy, since she can never get close enough to him to have to go there. A nice guy will eventually want a commitment, and that’s scary.

Low self-esteem: We don’t feel comfortable with people who treat us better than we treat ourselves. If you don’t think much of yourself, the bad boy is simply reinforcing your negative belief. A nice guy is treating you in a way you’re not familiar with.

Sex: Women feel a nice guy won’t be good in bed. They sometimes like to be manhandled and think a nice guy won’t be able to take control and get the job done. A bad boy comes across as being able to get the job done, even though that may not always be the case.

Hot: Have you ever seen a bad boy who wasn’t hot? I’m sure there are a few, but they wouldn’t be able to get away with half the stuff they did if they didn’t look so good. Meanwhile, when a woman describes someone as a nice guy, she means, “He’s not hot”.

Charm: Nice guys don’t always know what to say, and are sometimes at a loss for words. Bad boys can be very charming and know exactly what women want to hear. However, they eventually switch over to being selfish. By the time they reveal their true colors, the woman has fallen for them and has a hard time letting go.

Protection: Historically, men have protected women – physically and otherwise. Bad boys give the illusion of being able to protect women, while with nice guys, women aren’t so sure.

Life is about balance. Most men fall into either the bad boy or the nice guy category. The ideal man is neither, but walks that fine line between the two. Until men learn how to do this, more often than not, women will choose the bad boy, until they realize that his bad qualities outweigh his good ones.

Details: Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I was recently involved with a lady who stated she wasn’t looking for a commitment. She apparently came out of a bad relationship and didn’t want anything heavy.

I deceived myself into believing I was ok with this concept and we went on a few dates

During this process she would have moments of declaring her “ like” for me and also moments where she reminded me of her non-committal state of mind.

I developed feelings and started backing away (mostly because I realized it wouldn’t be reciprocated and because I initiated a significant portion of our contact). She would reach out during this period and I made sure to refrain from initiating contact.

About a month ago, she reached out stating she really wanted to speak to me and I gave her my availability. She didn’t contact me at the agreed time and sent a text apologizing. She requested another time to reach out and I gave her one. It’s been radio silence since then.

I really need to know what next? Is this the ultimate “bread crumbing”?

I have refused to reach out as she was the one who wasn’t looking for a serious commitment and needed to talk to me. Am I wrong here? Victor

Hi Victor,

Not only did she breadcrumb you, but now she also ghosted you.

Your first mistake was getting involved with someone who had just come out of a bad relationship. When someone is in that state of mind, it’s best to leave them alone until they are somewhat back to normal. Your second mistake was deceiving yourself into believing that you would be OK with casual dating.

This was doomed to fail from the start.

Do not contact her, otherwise you'll look thirsty, since she's the one who said she wanted to talk to you, and then disappeared.

Wait until you hear from her, and if you’re still interested in dating her, remember to keep it casual, unless she says she wants something more.

Details: Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I'm going into week 7 of no contact and nothing. Every day I think I’m getting better but then start to think it’s another day of her re-affirming to herself that she made the right decision, since I’m not chasing her.

We only dated for 4 months but she told me she loved me first, introduced me to all her friends, played with my daughters as I played with her sons.

I now realize the mistakes I made in our “relationship” but never got to explain my side to her and just agreed with the breakup (which was via text). I remember you said when someone breaks up through texts that's really bad, because it shows they were angry.

I realize now I disrespected her by going on vacation with my ex and daughters. However I know if I had offered to not go, she would have insisted I go...now I’m stuck in this painful limbo.

I feel like I should reach out, not to beg or plead but to say my peace. Rich

Hi Rich,

This would be the absolute worst time to break no contact. You're in that golden time of 45-60 days, when your ex is most likely to reach out.

Secondly, you don't know what's on her mind. You're assuming that you not contacting her is making her steadfast in her decision to break up with you. How do you know she's not questioning her decision, and possibly thinking she made a mistake?

I don't believe you disrespected her by going on vacation with your family. It's not like you went away with just your ex. You were only dating her for 4 months. She's not your fiance or your wife. Besides, you said that if you had offered not to go, she would have insisted you go. So you were in a no-win situation.

I don't like the fact that she broke up with you via text, after 4 months of dating. I find her to be disrespectful, not you. She should have at least called or met you in person. I believe she was trying to get a reaction out of you, but it backfired, because luckily you listened to me and went straight into no contact.

If she had wanted you to say your peace, she wouldn't have broken up with you via text. She made a rash decision, and now she needs to deal with the consequences of her actions.

Stay in no contact.

Details: Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I went out with a coworker a couple of times, but then a new person started working in a different department and she started dating him. After one year they got married.

About 2 months ago I found out from two different coworkers that she had been asking about me, like if I was single and how I was doing. Last month she got divorced after four years of marriage. Around that time she pretended to bump into me at the store and we talked for about an hour.

She asked me if I had her number. I told her I didn't and she gave it to me. She seemed like she was excited to see me. I called her a week later, with the excuse to ask her if she had gotten the promotion. We talked for a few minutes, and when I was about to ask her out she cut me off and stated that she was getting ready to go do some things.

A mutual friend told me that I should wait and give her time to recover. I have bumped into her a few times. It's only been a hello because at the time either she is talking to someone or I am. Also her ex works in IT two doors down.

Should I wait for her when she is ready, do no contact or take action and ask her out? - Luis

Hi Luis,

You're certainly in a unique position. First let me point out the mistakes you already made and another one you're about to make.

Giving her an hour of your precious time was too much. It wasn't even on a date, but in a store! You've already signaled to her through your actions that you are still VERY interested, even after all these years. That comes across as beta. Remember, she chose this other guy over you.

Then, you called her with a flimsy excuse, and she didn't even let you ask her out. It wasn't a surprise that she suddenly had to end the conversation.

Now you want to start dating her, even though her divorce just went through AND her ex works two doors down. I see disaster written all over this. You'll be putting yourself in the rebound position. Even if she does agree to go out with you, she's still recovering from her failed marriage and you would be nothing more than a rebound. Also, she may be being friendly with you in order to make her ex jealous. He works in IT. He could mess things up for you if he really wanted to.

You obviously can't do no contact since you'll be seeing her in the office. Also, you only went on two dates years ago, so no contact is irrelevant here. It's also too soon to start dating her, as you'll be the rebound.

I would suggest you sit tight and let her make any moves. That way you'll know for sure that she's somewhat interested. However, keep things casual for at least 6 months to a year, in order to be sure she's absolutely moved on and you're no longer the rebound.

Details: Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia

I was dating a girl over a period of 5 months and went on 7 dates in total. However, it got to the 7th date and I brought up the conversation about exclusivity and she said she's not ready yet. The next day I called her up and basically said we shouldn't see each other anymore if we are in different places.

Five weeks later she texts me out of the blue "Hey, I was thinking about you earlier and thought I would see how you are x". I did respond a couple of hours later and I have kept the conversation platonic and light hearted. I replied to her last messages with closed responses so she has nothing to reply to which she has now read and now nothing has come back.

I watched one of your recent videos where you have suggested going back to no contact and then not replying to her if she does reach out unless she wants another a chance or to talk, do you recommend I stick to this? Lewis

Hi Lewis,

You should not be in no contact. She didn't break up with you. She simply wasn't ready to be exclusive yet and I agree with her. 7 dates over a 5 month period is usually not enough time for someone to decide if they want exclusivity. You should wait until you've had at least 10 dates with someone before even considering being exclusive.

Why was it only an average of 1 date per month? Was she the one who wasn't available? If so, then that should have told you her interest was low, so there was no point in asking to be exclusive. If you were the one who wasn't available, then she probably felt she wasn't a priority, and therefore didn't want to be exclusive until you showed her that she wasn't just an option.

The fact that she reached out means she's probably interested in seeing you again. Instead of giving her closed responses, you need to ask her out. You ended things with her, so it's up to you to bring this back to life.