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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

My last serious relationship was with an old high school friend. It lasted a very brief four months.

In the beginning I was so excited to have found my long lost friend that anything was possible. I thought this could actually work. On the occasions when we discussed our relationship, she always said, "It's not like we're boyfriend and girlfriend." She always said I could see who I wanted to. It confused the hell out of me. Here we are going out almost every other day and having sex like rabbits, but yet we're not boyfriend and girlfriend.

After about 2 months, she started falling for me, but I didn't feel the same way. I was more or less enjoying the sex. I continued to see her because I was afraid to break it off, I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I knew my feelings for her weren't going to change, but she was investing all her time and energy in me.

She would tell me what she loved about me and how perfect things were since we’d found each other. I didn't know how to tell her that I was just super horny and I hadn't had any in a long time. I couldn't say, "I do not love you the way you love me." It would kill me to break her heart like that.

I felt powerless to stop it all. The truth finally came out by itself. One night we were talking about our relationship and the subject of sex came up. I was so tired from working late that I answered one of her questions without realizing what I had said. She responded with, "Wait a minute, so you're telling me that you're with me just for the sex?" And like an idiot without hesitation I blurt out the words, "Yeah, I guess." Boom! It's all over, just like that. She was so disgusted with me that she literally gasped.

The next day, the more I tried to apologize the worse it got. All my efforts to prevent hurting her and I hurt her anyway.

Now I think the same scenario will happen in all relationships. Do I need therapy? What am I doing wrong? Nathaniel

Dear Nathaniel,

No, you do not need therapy, but you do need to be more honest about your intentions, instead of wasting someone's time.  However, you are only partially to blame for this.

You said you didn’t want to hurt her by telling her you didn’t feel the same way she did. So you’re saying it’s okay to string someone along rather than tell them the truth? How did you think it was going to end? That one day her feelings would just change and you’d be off the hook?

Whenever one person does not feel the same as the other person in a relationship, there is no easy way to deliver the news without the other person being hurt. If you really cared about her, you would have told her yourself, rather than letting the truth come out, as it always does. If you had been a man and handled it that way, there’s a possibility you would still be in contact with her today.

What hurt her the most was the fact that you hid the truth about your true intentions rather than the intentions themselves.

Having said that, she too needs to look at the way she handles relationships. By telling you you’re not “boyfriend and girlfriend”, she gives the impression that she’s not looking for a serious commitment. If this were true, she shouldn’t have been so surprised that you were in it just for the sex, because that’s generally what no commitment means. Why was she investing all her time and energy into someone that she supposedly did not see as a boyfriend?

She was either playing games with you or she was in denial, because her actions betray her words.

Very few women are willing to see someone almost everyday without some type of commitment. Maybe she thought she needed to play it cool and pretend she wasn’t looking for anything serious. She can’t say one thing and mean another. That’s why you were so confused. She needs to look at her part in this and decide how she is going to handle the commitment issue in future relationships.

.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

How can I find out if my partner is cheating if I am in a long distance relationship? What signs can I look for without looking like a fool?

She has male friends and she isn't going to give them up. She insists there is nothing going on. However her behavior is strange because she goes to Walmart in the middle of the night after getting me out of the way.

She says one thing and does another.  Anthony

Hi Anthony,

The only way to really know if someone is cheating is to hire a private investigator. However, if you have such distrust for your partner that you need to take such a drastic action, then it’s probably time to go.

My rule on suspicion is that if you think someone is cheating, they probably are. Unless you’re paranoid, if they start to exhibit what you call “strange behavior”, there’s probably something going on. I’ve found that whenever things don’t add up, 95% of the time, there’s someone else.

Do you remember that song by C&C Music Factory called, “Things That Make You Go Hmm”? Besides reading the lyrics, I suggest that anytime someone you’re in a relationship with does something that makes you go “hmm” that you pay attention to that gut feeling.

You need to find someone to date closer to home who doesn’t say one thing and do another. If you want to keep Miss Walmart around, treat this as a casual relationship.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I dated a girl for about 4 months and then she came to me saying she is going to marry another guy whom she had known for 2 months in a long distance relationship. They planned to meet and live together but then they split up. 

Now the girl wants to see me again but I recently started dating another girl a month ago (we don’t have a commitment yet).

I don't know what to think and do about the ex. Do I delete her completely from my life? Art

Hi Art,

What you do with the ex depends on what type of relationship you’re interested in at this point in your life.

If you are looking for someone to marry and be the mother of your children, you can certainly be friends with the ex, but do not for a moment consider her for a serious relationship. The only reason she’s back is because it didn’t work out with the other guy. You’re not her first choice. If she’s capable of wandering off in the first few months of dating, she’ll be even more capable of doing it when you’ve been together for years. Is that the type of woman you want to be married to?

Also, what type of woman agrees to marry a guy she hasn’t even met? She’s either immature, desperate or mentally ill.

If however you’re in casual dating mode and you don’t want to completely let go of your ex yet, you can date both girls or just keep the ex as a friend and date the current girl.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I am 24 years old and I have gone through three rough relationships - the last one being the worst. I dated a single mother who cheated on me with her baby's dad. After this happened, it was over.

It has been two years and I have not gone out with any women since. I basically gave up. I often think that I need a therapy. I see someone but I just think negatively and don’t ask for number or a date. What can I do to get my confidence back? 

Alone in Burbank

Hi Alone,

You’re too young to be so down on love.

You had 3 relationships by the time you were 22. I say that’s 3 too many. Your late teens and early twenties should be about having fun and keeping it light. You want to find out who you are and what you like.

Scientists at the NIH campus at Bethesda, Md. found out that the part of the brain that weighs risks, makes judgments and controls impulsive behavior isn’t fully mature until age 25. This means you shouldn’t even be thinking about a serious relationship until your next birthday.

Since your last break up was so devastating that you haven’t dated in 2 years, I would say some therapy would definitely help. You will eventually get your confidence back. Use the experience from your previous liaisons to make better choices in the future.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

What do you suggest for how to talk to women? I was once involved with what is called "The Pick Up Artist" community, but a lot of it felt too fake for me.

They talked about always asking women for their opinion on something that you may not actually care about, and not letting them know you're attracted to them since it gives women too much power over the men. They say that's especially true with attractive women, since they probably get told they're beautiful hundreds of times a day.

Seeing as how you're an attractive woman, what are your thoughts on all this? Is it best to go up to a woman and just say "Hi. I wanted to let you know you're extremely attractive. What's your name?" Or something else? Jackie

Hi Jackie,

When a guy approaches a woman, most of the time she will assume he’s interested, no matter what he says or doesn’t say. The fact that he’s speaking to her lets her know he’s probably attracted to her. There’s no way to avoid “giving her the power” at that point.

Approaching women is about being in the moment.

There is no “pick up line” which will work every time, with every woman. You have to observe the situation and comment appropriately.

If you’re waiting in line to order at a café and the woman in front of you orders a club sandwich, you can say, “Do you know if the club sandwiches here are good?”

I remember one time a guy was walking by who looked like Alex Rodriguez. I smiled at him and he smiled back. I told him he looked like Arod and the conversation continued from there.

You’re right about not commenting on how a woman looks when you first meet her, but not for the reason you gave. Attractive women are used to getting compliments, in fact, they expect them.

If you tell a woman you’ve just met that she’s beautiful, the dialogue cloud above her head is thinking, “Tell me something I don’t know.” She already knows she’s hot. How do you think she got that way? Do you think she just rolled out of bed like that? Since most guys behave that way, you’ll fall into the category of "basic" and won’t stand out from everyone else.

Instead, you want to tease her, be light and funny. You can say something like: I know you probably don’t get a lot of attention, so I wanted to come over and say hi. Most of the time, it’s not so much what you say, as how you say it. If she’s attracted to you, unless you say something really stupid, she’ll respond positively.

Finally, watch your body language.

Everyone wants someone who exudes confidence. Smile, stand up straight, make direct eye contact and don’t fidget or move around too much.