Details

Written by: Lucia

Hello Lucia,

I’m a 20 year old male who’s in a great sexual relationship with a very sexy and gorgeous 39 year old woman. We're not boyfriend/girlfriend but just hanging out. Do you think this will hurt me later on when I move past her, if we don’t create a real, full relationship? I don’t want to have a hard time adjusting down the road with someone closer to my age. Will dating an older woman mess me up? Joe

Dear Joe,

I hate to tell you, but you will not be a typical young adult once this relationship is over. You’ve now gotten a taste of what it’s like to date a mature woman who is experienced and uninhibited. It’s like eating spaghetti at a fine, Italian restaurant and then trying to get used to eating spaghetti from a can.  Not quite the same.

You’re also now used to dealing with a mature woman, where there is little to no drama and the conversations are deeper than with someone your age. Most girls in their 20s either don’t have the confidence and/or experience to be up to par sexually with a more mature woman. To quote from the book, “Older Women, Younger Men”, Tom, age 25 said of his 46 year old lover, “After being with Claudia for five years, I was ruined. I couldn’t stand talking to a young woman all night. They were all so empty compared to Claudia.”

However, having said this, that is no reason to feel you have to have a “full relationship” with this woman if you don’t want to. Infact, I wouldn’t even recommend it. It is what it is – a great sexual relationship. Enjoy it while it lasts, the future will take care of itself.

Who knows, you may find you prefer older women after all, and won’t be interested in girls your own age.

Details

Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

Lately me and my girlfriend of 3 yrs. have been having problems. We can’t talk about issues because she won’t talk. She doesn’t support me in my hobbies or choices anymore. She spends more time with her friends than me and takes my romance for granted.

I love her a lot and don’t want to leave her despite the obvious reasons. I just want her to talk to me about herself and her problems. Her not being able to is hurting her and myself. How can I get her to talk to me about "us"? Jorge

Dear Jorge,

I know you think the “obvious reasons” you’re having problems is because she won’t talk and spends more time with her friends than with you, but those are only symptoms of a bigger issue, and that is that her interest level in you had dropped!  I would need to speak with you in order to figure out where her interest might be, but things are not looking good.

You’re incorrect about “Her not being able to (talk) is only hurting her and myself”. You are the only person it’s hurting. It sounds like she’s already mentally and emotionally moved on but is still physically in the picture.

I know this isn’t the news you wanted to hear and you don’t want to leave her, although it seems she’s already left you.

My suggestion is that you stop nagging her to talk to you. Just reading about how you keep trying to talk to her made me not want to talk to you, so I can imagine how she feels. You can’t make someone do something they don’t want to do, but you can certainly inspire them to do it. This means that you should follow her lead – see your friends more, don’t talk about the relationship and stop being romantic.

If she has a change of heart, she will begin to ask you the same questions you’ve been asking her and you can then address the issues that lead to this whole mess. If she doesn’t, then let her go. She's obviously not interested enough to continue the relationship.

Details

Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I have a relationship with a woman player, but I’m kinda falling for her because she is my type. She always says we’re just friends and we’re just getting some from each other. I feel that she likes me, but I don't know how to move things to the next level.

How can I control her? How can I make her fall in love with me? How can I make her head spin? Noah

Dear Noah,

You want to know how to control her? To quote Frederick Douglass, one of the foremost leaders of the abolitionist movement, “No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellow man without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck.”

In other words, if you seek to enslave, you will be enslaved. It’s already happening. You’re spending time writing to me and sitting around wondering how to make her head spin.

Sure, you can always do it by giving her the best sex she’s ever had and then playing “Now you’ll hear from me and now you won’t.” However, that won’t make her fall in love with a capital L. That will make her obsessed with you because of her ego.

It sounds as if you're insecure because you're not in a relationship with her, and you're trying to gain security with a title.

If you truly want to make a person fall in love with you, you naturally have to have chemistry to begin with. This can’t be faked. It’s either there or it isn’t. Afterwards, you have to have a foundation of friendship and respect. Only then, will there be a possibility of true love happening.

Finally, if you really love someone, you don't try to control them. 

Details

Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I met a woman online a while ago who lives in London, and I live in New York. We developed a friendship which turned into more. I finally met her in person in London several weeks ago.

All I can say is: fireworks! We felt very comfortable with each other. It was as if we have been together for 10 years. On top of that, our physical connection is incredible. Long story short we are in love with one another.

She has her life in London which is complicated and I have mine here which is no less complicated. I am planning on seeing her again for a month very soon. Very romantic yet very intricate...would love for it to work out but I know it will not be easy.  What is your opinion? Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I feel you. Meeting someone new, feeling fireworks and an incredible physical connection is like heaven on earth.

Long distance relationships are difficult to begin with, but when the person lives in another country, it’s even more complicated. An amazing first connection doesn’t always translate into a great relationship. Right now you have each other on a pedestal and think the other person can do no wrong. You think you’re in love, but love requires appreciation, and you don’t know each other well enough at the moment to really appreciate each other.

Let time be your guide. Being together for an entire month will give you a better indication as to who she is and what she is really about. If things are still great after that visit, one of you will have to eventually move to be with the other. Good luck.

Details

Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I’m 26 and have been dating a 24 year old woman for a year. It’s been a difficult on-again off -again relationship. We just went through another bad break-up and once again I find myself swearing that I will never be with her again.

What is it that I can do to make sure that I do not end up back with this person ever again? How do I let her go completely? She always manages to wiggle her way back in my life. JT

Dear JT,

If there were someone at your door that you did not want to let in, you simply wouldn’t open the door. The same holds true for your life. Don’t open the door and she won’t be able to get in. Ah, yes, that is the logical answer. Unfortunately, we’re dealing with emotions, not logic, and emotions don’t have an I.Q.

You say she manages to wiggle (is that both literally and figuratively?) her way back in. I say that she couldn’t get back in unless you let her. You’re assuming she has power over you, but she only has as much power as you give her. If you decided that you no longer wanted to be in an on again-off again romance, she wouldn’t be in your life. If you decided that you were a great catch and only wanted to be with someone as wonderful as you, she wouldn’t be in your life.

Why are you holding on to someone that you’re obviously not happy with? What is missing in your life that she is currently providing (and I don’t mean sex)? What good feelings do you associate with her, simply because you felt that way about her in the past?

Only time will allow you to let her go completely. In the meantime, focus on what’s wrong with the relationship and think about those things the next time you’re about to get sucked in again.