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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I’ve been dating a married woman for 3 years. I’m also married.. The problem we are having is that she does not put too much effort into our relationship. The sex is great and we get along, but when we get into argument, she is verbally abusive. She tries to shut me down, doesn’t listen or look for solutions. It seems she’s trying to gain the control and power she doesn’t have at home because her husband calls all the shots and treat her badly.

I’ve tried my best to give this woman the emotional support and affection she has missed in the past but it has gotten to the point where she is just using me for sex when it’s convenient for her.

She recently sent me an email that ended with, “I'm sorry for everything that I've done in the past that wasn't up to your expectations...and for ruining your life. That was never my intention - I guess I should have just left you alone. You know how to reach me should you ever want to talk or need someone to vent to. You will be my sunshine always and forever. I love you.”

Do you think she wants a break or to end it? Should I let her go? Bunny

Hi Bunny,

Should you let her go? Hell, yeah! You never should have let her come in the first place, literally and figuratively. You fear that she’s just using you, but I have a newsflash for you: when one or both of the parties in a relationship are married, they are using each other, since it has no future until they are both single.

I do not condone affairs, but if you’re going to have one, why pick someone who’s going to be verbally abusive? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of wanting to be with someone who makes you feel good, since you’re already dissatisfied in your marriage?

Anytime someone says something along the lines of, “Sorry for ruining your life” or “Have a nice life”, they are being manipulative and trying to get a reaction. She’s not going anywhere, however I suggest you go back to your marriage and give your wife emotional support and affection, instead of someone else’s.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

Just over a year ago, my sweetie and I broke up.  We had been together for 5 ½ years and she was most definitely the love of my life and in my belief (and those of more than one psychic and intuitive), my soul mate or as some would say, one of them.

The breakup wasn’t my choice and frankly, it was devastating to me.  To this day, I’m still very much in love with her and would marry her tomorrow.  I find her to be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever known and when I see her, I see God.  That may sound hokey, but it was actually a deeply spiritual relationship and that was an area we both shared very much.

The reason for the demise of the relationship was because I hit a rough spot in my life and found out I actually wasn’t as grown-up as I thought I was. That is not good for a woman who is elegant, classy and sophisticated and needs a mature, responsible man in her life, soul mate or not.

I’ve spent the last year “in the desert” and I’ve grown up.  How can I convince her of this so that we can start to rekindle what we had?  Mick

Hi Mick,

Your email got my attention when I read, “when I see her, I see God.” I wonder how many other men feel that way about their women but didn’t have a way to describe it?

Congratulations for working on yourself. Better late than never! The only way you can convince your ex that you’ve changed is over time through your actions, not words. “Don’t talk about it, be about it”.

I don’t know if you’re still in contact with her or not. Either way, since the break up was over a year ago, reach out and invite her out to dinner. Tell her that you’ve worked on yourself, addressing the specific issues that led to the break up. Don’t try too hard to sell it. This should be a casual conversation before the dessert arrives.

See how she responds and tell her you’d like to start rebuilding a friendship. Do not try to jump right back into dating. She will probably be cautious, wondering if you really have grown up. Let things unfold slowly and naturally, and you should be okay.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I'm 37 and dating a lady that is 39. Over two weeks we went on 4 or 5 dates and we also hung out at each other’s houses for hours. We both agreed we wanted to take things slowly but we got intimate about 4 weeks into it. After that we decided to be exclusive and not meet or see anyone else.

Three weeks later she says we need to slow down and get to know me better. We had some long conversations and decided that we are just dating again. She says she likes me and she’s not dating anyone else. She used to tell me she misses me and call me babe but doesn't anymore. She also mentioned she is going through a rough time personally (I know what those things are) and she just isn't ready for a boyfriend.

I am totally into her and its hard to go backwards. I don't know if I should just call it off or believe her and go back to dating. Chris

Hi Chris,

Everyone wants to be with a “high value person” but by having the time to hang out with her for hours within the first 2 weeks, you showed her that you don’t have a life or that your interest level is so high, you’re willing to give her a lot of your time without knowing her very well. You killed mystery and challenge.

I’ve always said that if someone is willing to rush in, they’re just as likely to rush out. That’s what this woman is doing. Things moved too fast and she needs to take a step back. It’s also possible that you did/said something that turned her off or lowered her interest. Or, maybe she’s met someone else who she wants to date.

The best thing to do is to accept the situation as it is and actually go slowly this time. That means you see each other 1-2 times a week at the most for the next several months and you do not talk or text every day.

You’re being given a second chance here. Don’t blow it. Show her you have a life and aren’t needy, and she may soon decide she wants to be exclusive with you once again.

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Written by: Lucia

Hi Lucia,

I met a really attractive, intelligent woman at an art gallery. We had been talking for about a half hour, really seemed to develop a great rapport and had a tentative coffee date.

Then, things suddenly went downhill when I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She said, "Excuse me? Why are you talking about my figure?"

I went into damage control mode and tried to clarify my comments but I only exacerbated things as she rolled her eyes and shook her head. She told me I was being "inappropriate" and with a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

It seemed like a harmless comment to me but maybe I don't understand women. Should I send her an apology or should I interpret the slap as a definitive way of saying she wants no further contact? Kevin

Hi Kevin,

Beautiful, intelligent women rarely want to be objectified. By commenting on her figure within half an hour of meeting her, that’s exactly what you were doing.  You also gave the impression you were only looking for a sexual relationship.

Unless you are simply looking for a lover, the rule of thumb is not to mention a woman’s body or to bring up sex until she has given you verbal or non-verbal cues that she’d be open to that. This usually takes a few dates.

On the other hand, I think she was out of line to slap you. Your comment was a faux pas, but it didn’t warrant such a strong response.

You can certainly try to apologize, however her actions tell me she’s no longer interested in pursuing anything with you.

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Written by: Lucia

Dear Lucia,

I am a very successful 42 year old man in the business world and I am considered by most to be very attractive. I have dated many beautiful women whom I later found out seemed to have no chemistry for me.

Do you think women accept dates with men they are not attracted to on a physical level?  If so, don't you think it is a woman's responsibility to address this or is it always up to the guy to just "figure it out".

I think sexual chemistry is an important component for long term relationships. Maybe not dating, but it has to be there. If women want to have male, platonic friends, they should seek out gay men. They are perfect for this reason. Chris

Dear Chris,

While men generally don’t go on a date unless they are physically attracted to a woman, women do.

There are many reasons for this: the man is financially well off; he can help their career; they want to go out to expensive restaurants, concerts etc; they think he’s interesting and hope that a physical attraction will develop.

In the first three reasons, the man is obviously being used. The woman knows it, so there’s nothing for them to address.

How can a man protect himself against being the victim of one of these scenarios?

If you are wealthy, downplay it in the beginning. Your first instinct may be to show how well off you are, but that’s how you attract gold diggers. If a woman is truly interested in you, she generally doesn’t care how much money you have or don’t have.

If you want to guard against being used for career help, don’t give it until you are in a relationship.

For the third scenario, make the first date at a coffee shop or a bar/lounge for drinks. If the woman balks at this, she’s not into you.

During all first dates, pay attention to whether and how often the woman touches you. Even something simple such as touching your arm or shoulder is a good sign. If a woman is not physically attracted to you, she will not want to touch you at all.

At the end of the date, give her a kiss on the lips. If she turns her head to give you her cheek, that’s another indication of disinterest.